Those observers of character, countenance, and dispositions, greatly err; who, from acidity, or even harshness of visage, temper, conversation, and actions, infer in women an insensibility to amorous passions. Indeed these appearances very often arise from extreme sensibility, crossed in its pursuits, repining at the want of attainment, or, perhaps, regreting unfortunate success. Mary of England, the votary of the sourest bigotry, was still more the devotee of boundless love for her husband. There has often been observed to be a considerable analogy between mankind and irrational animals. We know there are cats who will scratch, and bite, and tear others with all the dissonance of squalling treble, yet softly and gently purr upon their mates. Miss Sourkrout was a very susceptible young damsel; and if she still remained in a state of celibacy, it was not for want of good will to the opposite condition.—She had often shot the rays of love from her azure-coloured orbs, but they had not reached the destined marks. Perhaps, indeed, this might be owing to their oblique direction; for it often happened, that when she intended to direct the artillery of her charms to the front, its force was spent beyond the right or the left wing.
Miss Sourkrout had no sooner beheld the manly and graceful Hamilton, than she was captivated. She immediately betook herself to ogling, an art in which if she was not perfect, it was not for want of practice. Planting her batteries opposite to him, she forgot that the movements of her gunnery were more curvilineal than suited her purpose, and horizontally instead of perpendicularly carried best at an angle of forty-five.—She was enraged at the apparent insensibility of the major, whom she deemed impenetrable to all her glances; but in fact none of them had reached him.—Those from her right eye caused much agitation in the heart of a superannuated beau, that sat near the fire at the upper end of the room; whereas the left reaching an attorney’s clerk, who sat by the door at the bottom, he conceived himself challenged to execute a capias, alias, et pluries.—This learned gentleman, not ignorant of the goods, tenements, and hereditaments of Miss Sourkrout, formed a resolution, which he communicated immediately to a friend (the waiter by whom he had been introduced), to leave his master, get possession of Miss and her property, and, perhaps, might have obtained a verdict in his favour, but for a nisi prius, which proved the young lady’s affections to be the property of another defendant.
Miss Sourkrout, after having in vain endeavoured to make Hamilton sensible of her sentiments, made some enquiries, in consequence of which, she learned his name, and also his approaching marriage with his partner, whom, in her own mind, she presently denounced for the severest vengeance. She did not doubt, that so very accomplished a gentleman must have been entrapped, before he could involve himself in marriage with a girl of so very inferior a fortune. She concluded, that such a project must arise from the forwardness of the young lady, and the lover’s unacquaintance with an object worthy of his addresses. She, during the country dances, made overtures to conversation which the major, having no suspicion of her intention or design, returning with the usual complacency of a gentleman, impressed Miss Sourkrout with an idea, that her regards were perceived by the object, and that the discovery was agreeable. As the ball broke up, watching Hamilton’s motions, she whispered him on the stairs, that he should hear from her in the morning. Accordingly as they were ready to set out for the vicarage, a letter was brought to Hamilton, subscribed Juliet, declaring he was the Romeo had won her affections at a dance, and hoping that the former Rosalind would, in his affections, give way to another mistress. Hamilton, who had not been unused to such billets, smiled and put the letter in his pocket, neither knowing nor desiring to know who might be the author. The lady, finding that her hero was departed without paying any attention to so tender an intimation, fell into a furious passion, terminating in a fit that soon summoned her mother. The old lady learning the cause of this commotion, sympathized readily in her daughter’s resentment, and even prompted its effusions, when she considered that the successful rival of Grizzelina was the daughter of that abominated woman, who had triumphed over herself. The mother and daughter, not knowing that the nuptials were so very near, agitated various schemes for preventing their accomplishment.
Meanwhile the auspicious day arrived, which was to unite this gallant soldier to his lovely mistress. They were married in the parish church; old Maxwell, at the express desire of the bridegroom and bride, made one of the guests at the wedding-dinner. The day was spent in the most happy cheerfulness, rising to a festive conviviality in some of the guests, especially the veteran halberdier, which, on any other occasion, the vicar would probably have reproved; but his heart now so overflowed, that he readily forgave the effect arising from the overflowings of his cellar.
Maxwell, in his cups, descanted on the soldier’s character, and especially the superior success of military men among the ladies. On that topic he sang as well as he could, the famous song of Dumbarton’s drums, dwelling with peculiar emphasis on the verse—
“A soldier alone can delight me O,
His manly looks do invite me O, &c.”
As several young neighbours were present, a dance was proposed, and towards the close, Maxwell, who at the beginning had refreshed himself with a nap, proposed to the company to dance a hornpipe: the Dusty Miller was attempted, but the music was so little to the performer’s mind, that he begged the noble commander, as he styled him, to shew them what Scotch musicianers could do. Hamilton good-humouredly took his own violin, on which he was a very masterly player, and desired his veteran friend to name his tune; Maxwell accordingly called for—If you kiss my wife.—Hamilton executed it in so animating a style as quite inspired the sergeant to feats of agility, that Ireland himself could hardly surpass. Supper soon after terminated the ball; the party broke up; Hamilton retired to the happiness of virtuous love in the arms of his Eliza.
CHAPTER IV.
For two months our young couple had enjoyed each other with ardent and increasing affection, though not without attempts to interrupt their happiness.—These sprang from Mrs. and Miss Sourkrout whose inventions, not being so fertile as their dispositions were malignant, had confined their exertions to anonymous letters, too frivolous in contrivance, and absurd in execution to produce any effect. From some circumstances Mr. and Mrs. Hamilton were able to trace them to the rightful authors; but without deigning to resent malice so very inefficient.—About this time a letter arrived from the laird of Etterick, in which he announced his intention of visiting his brother.—His expectations from the co-heiresses had, it seems, though he had tried both, proved as fallacious as his hopes from any of his former undertakings. He was now meditating to try his fortune among the English ladies, who, he hoped, would be more sensible to his merits than the misses of his own country. In a few weeks he arrived at Brotherton; and was greatly pleased with his reception at the vicarage. He soon contracted a very high admiration for the worthy clergyman, not so much on account of his abilities, learning, virtue, and piety, as for his skill in rearing cattle; and declared, that he had gained so much knowledge of green crops, during the time he passed in Yorkshire, as would much more than indemnify the expences of his excursion. Though he spent much of his time with Mr. Wentbridge, when superintending his husbandry, and still more with the hind, yet the evenings were passed in the parlour, and he frequently heard mention made of the machinations of Miss Sourkrout. As the state of her finances did not happen to be brought on the carpet, her name excited little attention. But as the season advanced the evenings grew long and fine, the laird, tiring of domestic society, found out a neighbouring public house, wherein he was introduced to an amicable company, consisting of the parish clerk, the barber, the exciseman, the lawyer, and some others, who, though the chief subject of their conversation was the state of public affairs, would sometimes descend to more private considerations. In one of these conferences the attorney, who had that day returned from Doncaster, informed the company that he had the honour of spending the evening in the house of an alderman, that there he had met with a young lady of a capital fortune, who had treated him with great complacency. “I do believe,” said he, with a self-approving nod, “that if I had not been married I might——hem.” The laird, aroused by this intelligence, inquired what the amount of the lady’s property was, and how it was disposed of, learned from the communicative lawyer the account he had heard from the alderman’s lady, that there was twelve thousand pounds burdened, indeed, with a dowager. The next day the laird, though not much addicted to balls or assemblies, proposed to his brother and sister-in-law to go to the first meeting of that sort which should be held at Doncaster, “wishing,” he said, “to have a view of the Yorkshire lasses.”—They readily agreed to his proposal, and about a week after repaired to the festive scene. Thinking an auxiliary might be useful, in carrying on his enterprize, he had bethought himself of applying to the attorney, and opened his mind so much to the satisfaction of that learned gentleman, that he declared he should want no assistance in his power. The lawyer, early in the day appointed for the ball, rode to Doncaster, and making a visit to the alderman’s lady, informed her, by way of news, that there was to be a Scotch gentleman of four thousand a year in the assembly room that evening, the elder brother of parson Wentbridge’s son-in-law; that he had heard much of Miss Sourkrout, and had been making many enquiries about her temper and dispositions. Mrs. Alderman regarding a dowager mayoress as a very high lady, and having attained the pinnacle of dignity at which she herself aspired, was desirous of gratifying the mother and daughter, and hastily conveyed to them this intelligence.