Spectandam se sine arbitro praebeat viro:
And therefore I know not what philosopher he was, that would have women come but thrice abroad all their time, [6284]“to be baptised, married, and buried;” but he was too strait-laced. Let them have their liberty in good sort, and go in good sort, modo non annos viginti aetatis suae domi relinquant, as a good fellow said, so that they look not twenty years younger abroad than they do at home, they be not spruce, neat, angels abroad, beasts, dowdies, sluts at home; but seek by all means to please and give content to their husbands: to be quiet above all things, obedient, silent and patient; if they be incensed, angry, chid a little, their wives must not [6285]cample again, but take it in good part. An honest woman, I cannot now tell where she dwelt, but by report an honest woman she was, hearing one of her gossips by chance complain of her husband's impatience, told her an excellent remedy for it, and gave her withal a glass of water, which when he brawled she should hold still in her mouth, and that toties quoties, as often as he chid; she did so two or three times with good success, and at length seeing her neighbour, gave her great thanks for it, and would needs know the ingredients, [6286]she told her in brief what it was, “fair water,” and no more: for it was not the water, but her silence which performed the cure. Let every froward woman imitate this example, and be quiet within doors, and (as [6287]M. Aurelius prescribes) a necessary caution it is to be observed of all good matrons that love their credits, to come little abroad, but follow their work at home, look to their household affairs and private business, oeconomiae incumbentes, be sober, thrifty, wary, circumspect, modest, and compose themselves to live to their husbands' means, as a good housewife should do,
[6288]Quae studiis gavisa coli, partita labores
Fallet opus cantu, formae assimulata coronae
Cura puellaris, circum fusosque rotasque
Cum volvet, &c.
[6289]Quisquis custodit uxorem vectibus et seris,
Etsi sibi sapiens, stultus est, et nihil sapit.
These cautions concern him; and if by those or his own discretion otherwise he cannot moderate himself, his friends must not be wanting by their wisdom, if it be possible, to give the party grieved satisfaction, to prevent and remove the occasions, objects, if it may be to secure him. If it be one alone, or many, to consider whom he suspects or at what times, in what places he is most incensed, in what companies. [6290]Nevisanus makes a question whether a young physician ought to be admitted in cases of sickness, into a new-married man's house, to administer a julep, a syrup, or some such physic. The Persians of old would not suffer a young physician to come amongst women. [6291]Apollonides Cous made Artaxerxes cuckold, and was after buried alive for it. A goaler in Aristaenetus had a fine young gentleman to his prisoner; [6292]in commiseration of his youth and person he let him loose, to enjoy the liberty of the prison, but he unkindly made him a cornuto. Menelaus gave good welcome to Paris a stranger, his whole house and family were at his command, but he ungently stole away his best beloved wife. The like measure was offered to Agis king of Lacedaemon, by [6293] Alcibiades an exile, for his good entertainment, he was too familiar with Timea his wife, begetting a child of her, called Leotichides: and bragging moreover when he came home to Athens, that he had a son should be king of the Lacedaemonians. If such objects were removed, no doubt but the parties might easily be satisfied, or that they could use them gently and entreat them well, not to revile them, scoff at, hate them, as in such cases commonly they do, 'tis a human infirmity, a miserable vexation, and they should not add grief to grief, nor aggravate their misery, but seek to please, and by all means give them content, by good counsel, removing such offensive objects, or by mediation of some discreet friends. In old Rome there was a temple erected by the matrons to that [6294]Viriplaca Dea, another to Venus verticorda, quae maritos uxoribus reddebat benevolos, whither (if any difference happened between man and wife) they did instantly resort: there they did offer sacrifice, a white hart, Plutarch records, sine felle, without the gall, (some say the like of Juno's temple) and make their prayers for conjugal peace; before some [6295] indifferent arbitrators and friends, the matter was heard between man and wife, and commonly composed. In our times we want no sacred churches, or good men to end such controversies, if use were made, of them. Some say that precious stone called [6296]beryllus, others a diamond, hath excellent virtue, contra hostium injurias, et conjugatos invicem conciliare, to reconcile men and wives, to maintain unity and love; you may try this when you will, and as you see cause. If none of all these means and cautions will take place, I know not what remedy to prescribe, or whither such persons may go for ease, except they can get into the same [6297]Turkey paradise, “Where they shall have as many fair wives as they will themselves, with clear eyes, and such as look on none but their own husbands,” no fear, no danger of being cuckolds; or else I would have them observe that strict rule of [6298]Alphonsus, to marry a deaf and dumb man to a blind woman. If this will not help, let them, to prevent the worst, consult with an [6299]astrologer, and see whether the significators in her horoscope agree with his, that they be not in signis et partibus odiose intuentibus aut imperantibus, sed mutuo et amice antisciis et obedientibus, otherwise (as they hold) there will be intolerable enmities between them: or else get them sigillum veneris, a characteristical seal stamped in the day and hour of Venus, when she is fortunate, with such and such set words and charms, which Villanovanus and Leo Suavius prescribe, ex sigillis magicis Salomonis, Hermetis, Raguelis, &c., with many such, which Alexis, Albertus, and some of our natural magicians put upon us: ut mulier cum aliquo adulterare non possit, incide de capillis ejus, &c., and he shall surely be gracious in all women's eyes, and never suspect or disagree with his own wife so long as he wears it. If this course be not approved, and other remedies may not be had, they must in the last place sue for a divorce; but that is somewhat difficult to effect, and not all out so fit. For as Felisacus in his tract de justa uxore urgeth, if that law of Constantine the Great, or that of Theodosius and Valentinian, concerning divorce, were in use in our times, innumeras propemodum viduas haberemus, et coelibes viros, we should have almost no married couples left. Try therefore those former remedies; or as Tertullian reports of Democritus, that put out his eyes, [6300]because he could not look upon a woman without lust, and was much troubled to see that which he might not enjoy; let him make himself blind, and so he shall avoid that care and molestation of watching his wife. One other sovereign remedy I could repeat, an especial antidote against jealousy, an excellent cure, but I am not now disposed to tell it, not that like a covetous empiric I conceal it for any gain, but some other reasons, I am not willing to publish it: if you be very desirous to know it, when I meet you next I will peradventure tell you what it is in your ear. This is the best counsel I can give; which he that hath need of, as occasion serves, may apply unto himself. In the mean time,—dii talem terris avertite pestem, [6301]as the proverb is, from heresy, jealousy and frenzy, good Lord deliver us.