Thistledown: A Book of Scotch Humour, Character, Folk-lore, Story & Anecdote

by Robert Ford

But that our Burial may be ken’d.”

These, though the choicest specimens of their kind, form not more than a tithe of the humorous and curious epitaphs which are readily accessible to the writer. But—though we have not laughed once irreverently—perhaps, my reader, we have laughed long enough over the “cauld clay biggin’s” of gloomy Death, where rests in awful solemnity much that is sainted and sacred to us both. No more, then.

INDEX

• A.
• A’ a’e oo, [16]
• Aberdeenshire woman’s affliction, [38]
• A dangerous case o’ typhus, [83]
• A day in the desk, [160]
• A fearfu’ sermon, [95]
• A fisher of men, [98]
• Ainslie, Hew, quoted, [27]
• Airlie, Earl of, [62], [238]
• Alexander, Dr. William Lindsay, [138]
• Also, but not likewise, [292]
• Anderson, Dr. William, [57], [80], [84]
• And the Lord said unto Moses, [60]
• Another glass and then, [62]
• An awfu’ fricht, [175]
• A pig in the bed, [213]
• Arbroath epitaph, [448]
• Are yer aits muckle bookit? [214]
• As it is in the original, [94]
• A week before the sun went doon, [209]
• A well-corrected mistake, [155]
• Auld, Dr., [378]
• Auld lang syne, [15]
• dune up in tartan, [245]
• Awfu’ wark; they’re just killin’ ane anither ower there, [35]
• Aytoun, Professor, [267], [269]
• B.
• Ballantyne, Mrs., [260]
• Balquhidder epitaph, [448]
• Balnamoon and the brock, [49]
• Banffshire epitaph, [444]
• Bannockburn, Story of the battle of, [201]
• Baptismal customs, [346]
• Baptisms, Stories about, [86], [107], [108]
• Barbour, Sheriff, [297]
• Bargaig, Lord, [295]
• Barebones’ first day in the desk, [158]
• Barrie, J. M., [30]
• quoted, [51]
• Barty, Rev. Mr., of Ruthven, [136]
• Beadle on Disestablishment, [130]
• drawing an inference, [132]
• Begg, Rev. Dr., [47]
• Betty’s courtship and marriage, [336]
• Bishop Irving of Argyll, [81]
• Bishop though he be, [107]
• Blackie, Professor, [29]
• Blacklock, Dr. Thomas, [90]
• Bleakie, Sir Robert, of Blair Athol, [205]
• Bluidy Bell’s epitaph, [447]
• Bonar, Rev. Dr. A. A., [360]
• Bonnie House o’ Airlie, The, [239]
• Boston, Rev. Mr., and Daft Jock Amos, [379]
• Boswell, Sir Alexander, [287]
• Bothwell epitaph, [444]
• Boyd, Hugh, quoted, [226]
• Boyd, Rev. Zachary, [273]
• Braxfield, Lord, [285], [286]
• Breadalbane, Marquis, [107]
• Lady, [107]
• Brewster, Sir David, [352]
• Brougham, Lord, [288]
• Brown, Rev. John of Haddington, [120]
• Brown, Dr. John, [105]
• Bruce and Strang, [296]
• Buchanan, Robert, [183]
• Burial customs, [349]
• Burke and Hare Trial, [304]
• Burns’ letter to William Nicol, [21]
• Burns quoted, [21], [27], [146], [169], [356], [363]
• Burns’ Poems, Cockney Edition, [210]
• Epigrams by, [249], [250], [251]
• Anecdotes of, [251], [252], [253], [254]
• and Scott, Meeting of, [255]
• Burns of Castle Wemyss, [83]
• C.
• Caird, Principal, [145]
• Cameron, W. C., [272]
• Canna ye boo, ye brute? [113]
• Campbell, Thomas, [275]
• Campbell and Leyden, [276]
• Cameronian’s cat, The, [283]
• Carle, and the King come, [264]
• Carlyle family described, [334]
• Cia mar a tha thu an duidh?, [236]
• Chalmers, Dr., [158], [335]
• Chevy Chase in the Psalms, [151]
• Clank, clankin’ through heaven, [38]
• Clan pride, [238]
• Classon, Dr., [346]
• Clerk, John, of Eldin, [291], [292], [294]
• Coals of fire on his enemy’s head, [40]
• Coat, sir! whaur got I the coat? [307]
• Cockburn, Lord, [23], [28], [285], [290], [299], [302]
• Cockburn, Mrs., [258]
• Colquhoun, Sir James, [288], [294]
• “Come awa, Mr. Horner, an’ help us to hang thae damned scoondrels,” [286]
• Congregation needing a rest, [100]
• Consolation, [38]
• Conveeviality that plays the plisky, [180]
• Cranston, Mr., [353]
• Craig, Willie, and the Earl of Mansfield, [322]
• Cringletie, Lord, [293]
• Crockett, S. R., [30]
• Crossmichael, Minister of, [60]
• Curing the Coo, [47]
• Curator Bonus, [295]
• “Crummy’s” epitaph, [442]
• Cullen epitaph, [444]
• Cruden ” [442]
• Crail ” [384]
• D.
• Daft Jock Amos, [379-380]
• Daft Jock Gordon, [371]
• Daft Rab Hamilton, [377-379]
• Daft Willie Law, [369]
• Daft Will Speir, [381-384]
• Daoine Shi, [362]
• Davie’s no a son, Davie’s the cuddie, [103]
• Dead flea in John’s sowl, [64]
• Deans’, Jeanie, plea to the Queen, [19]
• “Deevil choke ye,” [67]
• Deil’s Reply to Robert Burns, The, [277]
• Deskford epitaph, [433]
• Devil, definition of the word, [60]
• Dews of Hermon, [293]
• Dick’s edition of Burns, [210]
• Dinna snore sae loud, Bailie Broon, [75]
• Dinna bury me like a beast, [400]
• Doin’ brawly in Perth, [178]
• Dod, sir, that psalm’ll no sing ava, [162]
• Donald and his great relations, [207]
• Don’t call me a soldier, [298]
• Doon wi’ the ither shillin’ or up she comes, [137]
• Dow, Rev. Dr., of Errol, [78]
• “Dowie in the Hint o’ Hairst,” [27]
• Dram be hang’d: it’s no a bit o’ use, [185]
• “Drinkin’ Drams,” [192]
• Dry enough, [78]
• Dumfries epitaph, [443]
• Duff, Rev. Dr., of Kilspindie, [78]
• Dundas, Mr. Henry, [206], [296]
• Dundee Parish Church beadle and the session, [129]
• Dundee epitaph, [445]
• Dunkeld epitaph, [446]
• Dunlop, Rev. Walter, [56], [67-69]
• E.
• Earl of Eglinton and Will Speir, [383]
• Earl of Mansfield, [322]
• Eatin’ amang the brutes, [77]
• E’enin’s orts mak’ gude mornin’ fodder, [15]
• Elgin epitaph, [448]
• Eldin, Lord, [293]
• Eldon, Lord, [293]
• Epitaphs, [440]
• Erskine, Mr., of Alva, [295]
• Erskine, Sir Henry, [294]
• Erskine, Rev. Ralph, and the blacksmith, [119]
• Eskgrove, Lord, [287-289]
• Every ane has his ain draff-pock, [76]
• Everybody has his ain bubblyjock, [372]
• “Evil Eye,” [348]
• F.
• Fa’s feel are ye? [391]
• Fa’ fuppit the loonie? [13]
• Fairservice, Andrew, [20]
• Fairgrieve, Robert, beadle of Ancrum, [124]
• Family worship: the time o’ year o’t, [37]
• Far abune the mune, [185]
• Fashed wi’ a set o’ deein’ men, [115]
• Fat ’ill tak’ it aff, [14]
• Fechtin’ wi’ cawnil licht, [37]
• Fifer more Fifish than his fellows, [370]
• Finlay, William, quoted, [419]
• Fleeman, the Laird of Udny’s fool, [386]
• resists temptation, [390]
• in Edinburgh, [390]
• in Perth, [395]
• shak’-a-fa’s the soldiers, [383]
• confounds the guilty ploughman, [397]
• Flype yer stockin’, [15]
• Flype her, Peety ye couldna, [48]
• Following a good example, [120]
• Forfar cobbler, A canny, [43]
• Forfar epitaph, [450]
• Forfarshire beadle, [147]
• Fou! Fou! Fou! [79]
• Foxes’ tails, Story about the, [166]
• Fraser, Dr. Alexander, [332]
• Freits, [343-347]
• Freedom and whisky, [170]
• Fun at the Soutar’s, [49]
• G.
• Gairtney epitaph, [441]
• Gallopin’ consumption, [374]
• Galt, John, [30]
• Gey weel sattled doon by this time, [201]
• Ghost o’ Mause, [351]
• Ghosts, stories of, [349-355]
• Giff-gaff, [43]
• Gilfillan, Rev. George, [80], [85], [86], [276]
• Gillan, Dr., of Inchinnan, [80]
• Gillies, Lord, [309]
• Gin the tail breaks, you’ll see what’s the maitter, [232]
• Glasgow Cathedral, Account of, [20]
• Glasgow epitaphs, [450], [451]
• Gordon, Duchess of, [29]
• Gordon, Pryse, [443]
• Gouk’s, Tam, epitaph, [444], [296]
• Gow, Neil, [177]
• Gowdie, Isobel, [356]
• Gown made to fit any party, [296]
• Gowpen o’ glaur, A, [15]
• Grace of God, [74]
• Grave joke, [40]
• Grat, an’ swat, an’ spat like the very mischief, [125]
• Green as leeks at the Shotts, [66]
• Guthrie, Dr., [81], [317]
• H.
• Hackstoun of Rathillet, [121]
• Haddington epitaphs, [442], [443]
• Hallowe’en, [363-366]
• Hamilton, Daft Rab, [377-379]
• Hay, Sir John, [306]
• Hammon’s no hanged yet, [75]
• Harewood’s, Lord, dinner party, [204]
• Harry at it again, [295]
• “Hawkie’s” account of himself, [405]
• autobiography, [403]
• first public appearance, [405]
• wanderings, [406-408]
• debt to the British Government, [410]
• lodgings, [415]
• profession—a collector of taxes, [411]
• opinion of Perth, [413]
• retorts to the police, [414]
• retort to Bishop Murdoch, [416]
• politics, [417]
• health, [419]
• “fir jacket,” [419]
• street oratory, [419]
• Hermand, Lord, [288-290]
• Highlandman’s prayer, [225]
• Highland sermon, [226]
• letter, [229]
• lesson in music, [230]
• apology, [242]
• Hill, Captain, Epitaph on, [449]
• Hirsle yont, [15]
• History of Jonah, [274]
• Hoddam epitaph, [451]
• Hogg, James, [24], [260]
• Hogg quoted, [24], [361]
• Hoo the streets o’ Jerusalem were keepit clean, [128]
• Horncliffe epitaph, [452]
• Hotch-potch, Story of, [212]
• How long a man may live without brains, [368]
• I.
• I couldna but win, [302]
• I dinna think ower muckle o’ him for’t either, [315]
• Ill, vile, evil, devil, [60]
• Imlah, John, [418]
• I’m the lad that lowses the graavats, [173]
• Inglis, James, quoted, [95], [333], [334]
• Insisting in prayer, [66]
• Intill’t, what’s intill’t? [212]
• Inveraray proclamation, [225]
• Irving, Edward, [69]
• Is’t a general risin’? [69]
• It’s dowie in the hint o’ hairst, [27]
• It’ll no do chaps: we’ll need to try’t a wee thocht laicher, [162]
• It’ll tak’ it a’ to ser’ the fouk at the funeral, [327]
• It’s a solemn thing marriage, [112]
• I wad hang ye a’ at the same price, [203]
• I wadna lippen him wi’ a bull stirk, [304]
• J.
• J—a—jay—fal-de-riddle—cob, [154]
• Janet Davidson and the seventh commandment, [118]
• Jeffrey, Lord, [30], [298]
• Jessie, my woman, aye dance, [105]
• Jock and his parritch, [35]
• “Johnny Gibb,” [30]
• Johnson, Dr., [199], [329]
• Johnnie Bell o’ Brakenbrow, [441]
• John Knox never askit for a stove in his kirk, [88]
• Jonah and the “whawl,” [64]
• Jummlin’ the joodgement, and confoondin’ the sense, [125]
• Just a hint to the Englishers, [202]
• Just an unco fykieness i’ the mind, [335]
• K.
• Kennedy, David, [151], [196]
• Killin’ ane anither ower there, [36]
• Kilmun bellman, [241]
• Kilspindie story, [103]
• “Kinnoull Hill,” [155]
• Kittlin’ in the paup o’ his hass, [162]
• Knox, John, [204]
• L.
• Lady Greensleeves, [351]
• Lang time afore it mak’s up for Flodden, [201]
• Law, Rev. Mr., [74]
• Lawson, Dr., of Selkirk, [72-73]
• “Land o’ the Leal,” English ideas of, [210]
• Leighton, Robert, [212]
• Left to my ain oath, [302]
• Leyden and Campbell, [276]
• Liberals or Conservatives, [54]
• Line upon line, [158]
• Loch Ranza epitaph, [450]
• Logiepert epitaph, [444]
• Lord, Tam, I wad gie a pound for half an oor o’ thae witnesses, [302]
• London journalists, [29]
• Lord Elgin’s burial, [369]
• Lord’s Prayer intill Auld Scottis, [18]
• ye just mak’ a dishclout o’t, [71]
• “Lord Preserve Us!” [291]
• Love defined, [335]
• Lundie’s, Laird of, epitaph, [443]
• Lykewake, [349]
• M.
• Macdonald, Dr. George, [30]
• Macgregor, Dr., of the Tron, [105]
• Mackie, M.P., Mr. John, [207]
• Macklin, Charles, [29]
• Macknight, Dr., [78]
• Macleod, Rev. Donald, [138]
• Macleod, Dr. Norman, [57], [81-83], [91]
• quoted, [240]
• Macnab, Laird of, [429-439]
• Maiden Lilliard’s epitaph, [451]
• Maistly a native, [47]
• Man, yon was an ill-faured trick; ye’ll surely tak’ a look o’ the gudes noo? [216]
• Mansfield, Earl of, [322]
• “Mansie Wauch,” [30]
• Marriage anecdotes, [112-115]
• customs and superstitions, [347-348]
• Martin, Sir Theodore, [267], [269]
• Massacre of the Phairshon, [269]
• Matthison’s, William, epitaph, [452]
• Maybe they’ll say the Teevil was a Hielandman, [237]
• M’Cubbin, Rev. Dr., of Douglas, [77]
• M’Dougall, Rev. Mr., [99]
• M’Dougall, Rev. Mr., of Paisley, [164]
• M’Farlane, Dr., [74]
• Metaphysics defined, [37]
• M’Laughlan, Alexander, a Blairgowrie beadle, [128]
• M’Kenzie, Old Henry, [173]
• M’Leans before the Flood, [238]
• M’Laggan, Alexander, [336]
• M’Taggart quoted, [358]
• Meadowbank, Lord, [291], [292]
• Milking “Matthew Henry,” [318]
• Men of Peace, [362]
• Meigle epitaph, [452]
• Melrose epitaph, [450]
• Melville, Lord, [296]
• Mitchell, Rev. Mr., [142]
• Moncrieff, Rev. Sir Henry, [157]
• Moncrieff, Sir Harry, [291]
• Morrison, Rev. Walter, [70]
• Montrose epitaph, [453]
• Muckle He made o’ that, He was hangit, [286]
• My cuit’s yeukie, [15], [376]
• M’Pherson’s, Andrew, epitaph, [443]
• N.
• Naturals, [367]
• Necessity and Cringletie, [293]
• Niagara Falls, Scotch idea of, [41]
• “Noctes Ambrosianæ,” [266]
• Nine-and-twenty knives that came back from Babylon, [380]
• No relation at all; but just an acquaintance like yersel’, [207]
• No soldier, [298]
• Nothing extraordinary, [50]
• O.
• Oats, definition of, [199]
• Oh, for a man! [154]
• One way of rising at the Bar, [295]
• O’Rell, Max, on Cockney versus Scotch humour, [33]
• Oliphant, Rev. James, [59]
• Omens, [343], [344]
• Oswald of Dunnikier, [369]
• Our Ain Folk, [95]
• Outram, George, quoted, [192], [265]
• “Owre the water to Charlie,” [306]
• P.
• Patent machine for sowing turnips, [330]
• Pairtly they do, and pairtly they mind their ain business, [215]
• Paisley bodies, [41]
• Paul, Dr., [61]
• Perthshire worthies, [323-325]
• Perthshire farmers, [319-320]
• Perthshire blacksmith and the dram, [176]
• Pearlin’ Jean, [350]
• Pennant quoted, [354]
• Peterhead epitaph, [442]
• Picken, Ebenezer, of Paisley, [277]
• Plenty o’ milk for a’ the parritch, [35]
• Poacher’s prayer, A, [25]
• Pockfu’ o’ goats’ horns at the Broomielaw, Like a, [77]
• Proclamation, Old, [23]
• Prodigal son, when he came to himself, [63]
• Professor of Signs, [218]
• Proverbs, [15]
• Pitcairn quoted, [356]
• Pearson, Alison, [363]
• Plant it wi’ factors, Laird, [388]
• Prentice, John, beadle of Carnwath, [135]
• Prince Consort, Story of, [211]
• Punch an offender, [29], [210]
• Purdie, Tom, Story of, [259]
• Put on the goun, sir, [140]
• Q.
• Quadruped here, quadruped there, ye should hae clippit the brute’s wings, [312]
• R.
• Ramsay, Allan, [267]
• Ramsay, Dean, [34], [57], [71], [369]
• Ranting tantin’, tearin’ wind, [65]
• Rax a rung, and reeshil his rumple, [13]
• Readin’, the paltry fallow, [90]
• Repeating tunes, [152], [153]
• Rhyming Edinburgh shopkeepers, [46]
• Rin, Bookie, rin, [274]
• Ritchie, Rev. Dr., of Potterrow, [181]
• Robertson, Bailie, of Edinburgh, [312]
• Robertson, Rev. James, of Kilmarnock, [76]
• Rodger, Alexander, [224], [264]
• Rogers, Rev. Dr. Charles, [34], [72], [296], [306]
• Ross, Rev. John, Blairgowrie, [66]
• Russel of the Scotsman, [98]
• Rutherford, Lord, [296], [329]
• S.
• Sabbath observance, Stories of, [314-317]
• Santa Claus, [46]
• Sandy and the shower bath, [45]
• “Sawney, now the King’s come,” [264]
• Savin’ the bawbees, [44]
• Scotland described by an enthusiast, [198]
• Scotland described by a critic, [199]
• Scott, Rev. John, [59]
• Scott, Adam, in Upper Dalgleish, [24]
• Scots Magazine, quoted, [23]
• Scott, Anecdotes of, [254-264], [331], [335], [370], [371]
• Scott, Margaret, [444]
• Scott, Marion, [445]
• Scott quoted, [19]
• Scunnered at them baith, [114]
• Scorin’ abune the breath, [360]
• Scottish Gallovidian Encyclopedia, [358]
• Seybo synd’t doon the syvor, [13]
• Shakespeare maist clever enough to be a Scotchman, [197]
• Sharpe, Andrew, [448]
• Sharpe, Charles, Kirkpatrick, quoted, [350]
• Sheep’s head that will sing, [203]
• Shepherd, The Ettrick, [232]
• Shirra, Rev. Robert, Kirkcaldy, [58]
• Shi ich, or men of peace, [362]
• “Shon M’Nab,” [224]
• Sittin’ up wi’ the corpse, [349]
• Skelton, Lord, [297]
• Skinner, Rev. John, [56], [71]
• Skirving, Adam, quoted, [270]
• Skye, epitaph from, [452]
• Singing before the Queen, [52]
• Small, Robert, [444]
• Snaw finds the sinners oot, [133]
• Snee-snaw-snow, [156]
• Snuff! snuff! snuff! [78]
• Snuff in the Sermon, [88]
• Soldier’s prayer, [36]
• Somerville, Dr., [353]
• So, John, [447]
• Soond! no soond! a’ soond! [132]
• Spak’ o’ lowpin’ ower a linn, [15]
• Spoon is on the loom, The, [13]
• Statistical Account quoted, [162], [349]
• Stick to the forms of the Church, [80]
• Stuart: a curse on the name, [306]
• St. Andrews epitaph, [449]
• Stobo’s, Robert, epitaph, [444]
• Strang and Bruce, [297]
• Sydney Smith and Scotch “wut,” [32]
• T.
• Tak’ a snuff, John, [88]
• Tamlane, The young, [363]
• “Tammas Bodkin,” [30]
• “Tandem,” [143]
• Taylor, the schoolmaster of Currie, [14]
• Teetotal story, [187]
• Thae fowk o’ Todhills—they havena broken grund yet, [147]
• The best redd wig, [73]
• The Peer of Aberdeen, [299]
• The Lord’s no deaf, [102]
• The man’s crackit, [70]
• The sweep’s dead, [55]
• There they go—three-a-penny, [84]
• There’s a chance for ye yet, [61]
• They’re seein’ noo, [53]
• The Harangue, [288]
• That man Broom, [288]
• Thom, Rev. Mr., of Govan, [56], [75], [76]
• Thomson, the author of “The Seasons,” [352]
• Thrummy Cap, [351]
• Trollope, Anthony, [83]
• Tranent epitaph, [452]
• To many I a wonder am, [157]
• Toom barrel aye sounds loudest, A, [77]
• “Tullochgorum”: story of the author, [71]
• Tyre’s, Thomas, epitaph, [446]
• V.
• Valet of the shadow of death, [81]
• Very good for hogs, [200]
• W.
• Waddell, Dr. Hately, quoted, [17]
• Waggishness in the Inn of Glamis, [51]
• Wee Macgregor o’ the Tron, [106]
• We’ll pit ye in the Gorbals first, [39]
• What the devil he was roaring at, [227]
• Whaur in a’ the world did I get thae (hic) young deucks? [185]
• Whaur John Clerk lives, [294]
• “White Horse,” The, [92]
• Wheesht a minute, sir, I think I hear a cairt, [103]
• When the Lord repeats, we’ll repeat, [153]
• Wightman, Dr., of Kirkmahoe, [113], [371]
• Whistlin’ in Fife, [325]
• Wilberforce, Dr., [107]
• Wilson, Professor, [30], [266]
• With the author’s compliments, [267]
• Witches, [355-361]
• Witch of Fife, [360]
• Willie Wastle, [27]
• Woolie Ghost, [353]
• Y.
• Yatterin’ creaturs, wha wad ken what they said, [36]
• Ye Banks and Brays of Bonnie Doon, [210]
• Ye Chronicle of Saint Andrew, [188]
• Ye’re far ower lood, [89]
• Ye see what ye’ve dune noo wi’ yer d—d—dawmed burial, [325]
• Ye wad be nane the waur o’ a hanging, [286]
• Young, Rev. Dr., of Perth, [66]
• Yule, Rev. Mr., [96]