“No, he kept on asking me where my pictures were, and I kept on telling him they weren’t anywhere, they were everywhere; they were in his own heart if he only looked deep enough. They were just moods of nature. He couldn’t see it. I believe he bought an eight by ten canvas at Rosenheimer’s Department Store: Moses Smiting the Rock.”
“There you are. He was getting more for his money. He wanted action, interest. Daresay he had the gush of water coloured to look like beer. But I’ll tell you what I’ll do—I’ll give you five hundred for that thing you call Morning Mist in the Valley.”
“Sorry,” said Travers, with a look of miserable hesitation; “I don’t want to sell that. It’s the best thing I’ve done. I want to leave it to the nation.”
“All right. You know best. Good-night.”
I knew I had offered more than the market value of the picture; I knew that Travers had not sold a canvas for months; I knew that he often ate only one meal a day, and that if he chose, he could paint commercial pictures; so I could not but admire the little man who, in the face of scorn, neglect, starvation even, clung to his ideals and refused to prostitute his art. But this knowledge did not tend to restore my self-esteem, and it was in a mood of singular self-criticism I entered my room.
As I switched on the light the first thing I saw was my reflection in a large mirror. Long and grimly I gazed, hands in pockets, legs widespread, head drooping. I have often thought of that moment. It seemed as if the reflection I saw was other than myself, was, indeed, almost a stranger to me.
“Ha!” I cried, grimacing at the man in the mirror; “you’re getting found out, are you? Tell me, now, beneath your wrappings of selfishness and sham is there anything honest and essential? Is there a real You, such as might stand naked in the wind-swept spaces of eternity? Or are you, down to your very soul’s depths a player of parts?”
Then my mood changed, and I savagely paced the room.
“Oh, the fools! The hypocrites! Can’t they see that I am cleverer than they? Can’t they see that I could write their futile sonnets, their fatuous odes? But if I did, wouldn’t I starve? Am I to be blamed if I refuse? It’s all right to starve if one’s doing immortal work; but not six men in the world to-day are doing that. We’re ephemera. Our stuff serves the moment. Then take the cash, and let the credit go.”
I took off my boots, and threw them viciously into a corner.