Geo. Baird.
T. S. Jones.
DECLARATION, &c.
As the best service I can now do to religion, which I have injured by the unhappy conduct which has brought me to my present unfortunate situation,—to my Christian acquaintances, whom I particularly esteem, and by whose company and conversation I have been both improved and comforted;—and to my country, for which I have had more than ordinary attachment, I shall give a general, but concise history of the most material part of my life; and disclose fully the unfortunate circumstances that have been the cause of terminating my life in such a melancholy manner, in the middle of my days.
Having but four days before I am absorbed in eternity, I hope that what follows will be received as the truth.—In the view of such an awful prospect, it cannot be supposed I can have any interest whatever to conceal it.
No sooner is the soul separated from the body, than she is disconnected with the pursuits of mortals, and enters an hitherto unknown scene,—and her powers of perception and communication are then enlarged, in proportion to the sublimity and grandure of the objects exhibited to her view. With astonishment and prying curiosity, she travels over the vast expanse of the heavenly Jerusalem, collecting from the most ancient and intelligent of its inhabitants, every information they can communicate of the mysteries of providence and redemption, while she seems, as her knowledge increases, to rise in her accents of praise.
I was influenced by religion when very young. A reflective discovery of the goodness of God, in his interposition when in very imminent dangers, and of my ingratitude (I exceeded my companions in youthful follies, but could never bear swearing), first led me to cry for mercy. My convictions were exceedingly strong; so that I would in the space of two hours be three or four times at prayer, drowned in penitential tears. I have always found, that my penitential joy was in proportion to my contrition for sin. For a long space of time, I was not a day (if I remember right) without assurance of a saving interest in Christ; and, at times, my feelings and views were more like an heavenly, than an earthly inhabitant. On such occasions, I had inexpressible discoveries of the infinitude and holiness of God, and of my own vileness. I wondered, admired, adored, lamented, and rejoiced at one and the same time.
No sooner did my convictions take place, than I was, as it were, compelled to allot some particular hours every day to reading the Scriptures, meditation, self-examination, and prayer. These hours I found to be the life of my soul. I learned, from experience, that faith must be the gift of God. That I could as soon take up my personal residence in the sun, as truly believe in Christ, or fix my heart on him in the exercise of faith. This unbelief and treachery of heart drew tears of sorrow from my eyes.
Though my pleasure in religion was great, my grief from Satanical suggestions and a depraved nature was also so. I was strongly tempted to despair and suicide; but He who keepeth Israel preserved me amidst these storms.
Religion did no sooner operate on my mind, than I hated the ways of sin, and the company of the profane; and sought, according to my then knowledge, the company of the wise and good. Though my pleasure was particularly in devotional exercises, and in such company; yet I spent a great part of my time, in boyish pursuits and pleasures, with my school-companions; but in these, my devotional frame of mind never left me,—and how soon I came home, I retired by myself, and wept over my vanity of conduct.