“‘I feel comparatively safe myself,’ he went on, ‘because I’m not and never have been a real king. I draw the salary and hold the title and wear tailor-made uniforms without doing the work. I have no real authority. Why, I can’t dictate to anybody except the court stenographer—when she’s not too busy scrutinizing her nose. Shall I tell you who’s the real boss of Buckingham Palace? (Whisper) The wife. I can’t even spend my own money as I choose. Freedom of the ‘shes’ and all that sort of thing. Also, there’s an Hereditary Keeper of the Royal Purse, and whenever I want any coin I have to apply to him. You’ve heard of the ‘king’s touch’? Well, that’s it. George is the ruler of England, all right, but his first name is Lloyd, not King.’
“‘And is there any genuine autocrat left on earth?’ I asked King George. ‘Anybody to carry on the traditions of the old absolute monarchs?’
“‘Just one,’ he replied, ‘and he’s not called a king. His title is President. His name is—’
“‘George! George!’ a shrill voice interrupted his Majesty. ‘Did you get that pound of sugar I sent you for?’
“‘I told you I wasn’t an absolute monarch,’ George said, as he motioned me to depart while the departing was good. But I wonder whom he meant when he said there was only one world autocrat left?”
As I took my leave I could not even hazard a guess.
XIV
OLD KING COLE GIVES VIEWS ON PROHIBITION
The city editor’s assignment read: “Interview Old King Cole if sober (I mean the king, not you) and get his photo and pictures of the pipe, the bowl and the three fiddlers, if possible, for a nice layout. Stir him up on prohibition.”
I found His Majesty at his home at the corner of Rye and Bourbon Avenues, planet of Jupiter, next door to Bacchus and across the street from Gambrinus. I entered his presence not without trepidation, for I had never interviewed a real king before, although I am personally acquainted with several apartment house janitors and the policeman on our beat. But I needn’t have feared, for he received me with the utmost urbanity. Dressed in a purple robe, he was sitting in a chair of state and looked every foot a king. I just had time to note his typical poker face, suffused with a royal flush, when he gave me greeting.