“I should deduce that it had been raining recently,” put in Gordon with great seriousness.
“As a matter of fact,” said Reeves, turning the umbrella this way and that, “an umbrella’s a very difficult thing to get any clues out of.”
“I’m glad of that,” said Carmichael, “because——”
“—only this one,” continued Reeves, ignoring him, “happens to be rather interesting. Anybody could see that it’s pretty new, yet the ferrule at the end of it is nearly worn through, which shows it’s been used a lot. Inference; that it’s used by somebody who doesn’t keep his umbrella for days like this, but uses it as a walking-stick. Therefore it belongs to old Brotherhood; he’s the only man I know in this club who always carries one.”
“You see,” said Carmichael, “that’s the sort of thing that happens in real life. As I was just going to say, I brought in that umbrella myself. I took it by mistake from a complete stranger in the Tube.”
Mordaunt Reeves laughed a little sourly. “Well,” he said, “the principle holds, anyhow. Everything tells a story, if you are careful not to theorize beyond your data.”
“I’m afraid,” said Gordon, “I must be one of Nature’s Watsons. I prefer to leave things where they lie, and let people tell me the story.”
“There you are wrong,” protested Reeves. “People can never tell you a story without putting their own colour upon it—that is the difficulty of getting evidence in real life. There, I grant you, the detective stories are unreal: they always represent witnesses as giving the facts with complete accuracy, and in language of the author’s own choosing. Somebody bursts into the room, and says, ‘The body of a well-dressed man in middle-life has been found four yards away from the north end of the shrubbery. There are marks of violence about the person of the deceased’—just like a reporter’s account of an inquest. But in real life he would say, ‘Good God! A man’s shot himself on the lawn’—leaping at once, you see, from observation to inference.”
“Journalism,” explained Carmichael, “makes havoc of all our detective stories. What is journalism? It is the effort to make all the facts of life correspond, whether they will or no, to about two hundred ready-made phrases. Head-lines are especially destructive—you will have noticed for yourselves how the modern head-line aspires to be a series of nouns, with no other parts of speech in attendance. I mean, the phrase, ‘She went into the garden to cut a cabbage-leaf to make an apple pie’ becomes ‘Apple-pie fraud cabbage-leaf hunt,’ and ‘What; no soap! So he died’ becomes ‘Soap-shortage fatality sequel.’ Under this treatment, all the nuances of atmosphere and of motive disappear; we figure the truth by trying to make it fit into a formula.”
“I agree with you about inference,” said Marryatt, disregarding Carmichael’s last remark—one always did disregard Carmichael’s last remark. “But think how much of one’s knowledge of other people is really inference. What do we really know about one another down here? Fellow-passengers on the stream of life, that’s all we are. Take old Brotherhood, whom you were mentioning just now. We know that he has some sort of business in London, but we’ve no idea what. We know that he comes down here every night in the week from Monday onwards, and then from Saturday to Monday he disappears—how do you know what he does with himself during the week-ends? Or take young Davenant down at the Hatcheries; he turns up there every Saturday evening, and does his two rounds on the Sunday, and then on Monday he’s off again into the Ewigkeit. What do we really know about him?”