“They had never witnessed such a scene. Margaret, sweet soul, cried and trembled as she heard me, and Uncle Rolf grew quite pale.
“‘That child,’ he cried, ‘Edmund’s child!’ and his voice was full of horror; but Raby rose slowly from his couch, and without a word led me from the room.
“I do not know whether I yielded to that firm touch, or whether his strength compelled me; but, still silent, he took me up to my room and left me there.
“Oh, the awfulness of that mute reproach, the sternness of that pale face; it recalled me to myself sooner than any word would have done. Almost before the door closed my passion had spent itself, and then the agony of shame and despair that followed! I had forfeited his good opinion forever. He would never love me again! If I could die—oh, impious prayer that I prayed—if I could only die! But I would never see his face again. I would go where they could never find me, where I would never grieve them more.
“Fern, it was a strange feature that marked those passionate fits of mine; but I never yielded to them afterward without the same desire seizing me to go away and see them no more; and but for the watchful care that surrounded me at those times I should often have escaped.
“It came upon me now, this horror of restraint, and overmastered me. To my fancy I seemed to feel the walls falling in upon me in judgment for my sin. I was suffocated, and yet restless. Oh, to be away, I thought, to be away from those reproachful faces; and I rushed downstairs, through the house and down the yew-tree walk; but the garden-door into the lane was locked, and at that slight obstacle I shivered and lay down on the grass and crushed my face against the ground, and felt like some youthful Cain, branded with unextinguishable shame.
“I had lost Raby’s love. I had forfeited his respect. There lay the unbearable sting. Never should I forget that pale, stern face and the unspoken reproach in those dark eyes.
“‘Oh, I can not bear it,’ I cried; ‘I can not, can not, bear it.’
“‘My child,’ said Raby’s grave voice close to me, ‘if you are sorry, and your grief tells me you are, you must ask pardon of our Father in heaven.”
“‘Then—may a merciful God forgive me for my blasphemy—I cried, ‘not His, but yours, Raby. I can not live without your love;’ and then I was almost choked with my sobs.