Twenty years a fakir

by S. James Weldon

There are thousands of firms throughout the country which transact their business exclusively through agents. Many of them make a specialty of fakirs’ goods, and are always on the lookout for something new. They get all the novelties, as fast as they come out, and bring them before the public by advertising.

I afterwards watched the want columns of all the newspapers, and wrote to different firms for their catalogues. I did not patronize every firm, but by thus getting in touch with them I was able to keep posted on everything new in the market, and thereby make a selection of the best.

Of this course I had some idea, having been posted by the professor; but as yet had not had time to put it in practice. However, I did not intend to remain idle in the interim. Time was money, and I could not afford to squander either. I looked over the city in a hurry, and began to feel almost ashamed. Here was a whole day almost gone, and I had done nothing. I might hear from the doctor as early as the following day, but that was not tonight. What was I to do with myself? Perhaps the hours were not so nearly lost as I imagined, but I certainly felt uneasy. Not being able to find work, work found me.

It so happened that the good women of the Baptist church had a fair going on in the town hall, the proceeds to go for new furniture for the parsonage, their young minister having been lately married. This was the last night, and they had a number of articles on hand which it was proposed to auction off. Among them was a large cake, beautifully frosted and decorated, which they had believed would bring them good money.

Unfortunately, at the last moment, word came that the auctioneer could not be present.

Here was a pretty kettle of fish. It is not every one who can play the auctioneer, and the crowd had been counting on having as much amusement as profit out of this closing sale.

I heard the members anxiously whispering among themselves, with many ahs and plenty of ohs, and to listen to them one would suppose that the whole church outfit was on the verge of ruin. Though my native modesty would have kept me out of the ring, I could not stand the sight of their tribulation, and came to the front with a smile, offering my services in as bland and genteel a manner as I was capable of assuming.

I was a stranger to them all, except so far as I had made a few friends that evening through some liberal patronage at a few of the various stands, but after looking me over they must have decided there was something in my appearance quite in my favor. They promptly accepted my services, and I took a place on the stand without hesitation. A man who had lately cleaned out such an old stock of goods as I had done would hardly have much fear of tackling a prize cake at a church festival.

Pushing up my cuffs I began:

“Ladies and gentlemen: It is hardly necessary to remark that I am a stranger within your gates, and a very strange stranger at that. I want to tell you that you have a very fine little city—the greatest one, in fact, I ever saw—especially for a man who is about down to bed-rock. When I landed here this morning I was expecting remittances. I had just ten cents in my pocket, and was hungry as a bear. Yes, sirs and madames, I was just awfully hungry. I do believe if I had found a map of the world at that moment I could have eaten the Sandwich Islands.