Good Form and Christian Etiquette

by S. M. I. Henry

Woman has been made weaker than man by the sinful habits of life to which social custom condemned and held her during the Dark Ages. This subjugation was her part of the entailed curse. But from this, with all its disabilities, she is to become free in Christ; and our daughters trained in Christian homes should at least be able to walk anywhere that a young woman ought to go without leaning on some man for support.

How much more graceful are the movements of men and women as they walk together, keeping step, but far enough apart so that each is perfectly free, than when locked together by the arms, especially in daylight, on a smooth path.

As age comes on, it is a beautiful thing to see a son or daughter supporting the steps of father, mother, or grandparents; but it is a pathetic scene, the beauty of which depends entirely upon its necessity. As a show of any special regard which two people may have for each other, it is ridiculous.

VI.

Good form requires that in passing through a door or gate the younger shall always stand aside for the elder, and that care shall be taken to open and keep the door, especially if it swings both ways, so that it shall not hit any one in coming to.

I was once forcibly reminded of this article of the “good-form” code by seeing a vigorous young college student rush through a door without any regard to an elderly woman whom he met in the passage, and whom he almost knocked off her feet in the encounter, leaving the outside door to swing back against her slender hand as she caught it to prevent its hitting her in the face. He seemed utterly oblivious to the fact that he had met any one, and by this unconscious rudeness he published abroad the fact that he had been reared in utter disregard of ordinary courtesy. This young man is trying to do what is right; he wishes to do a good work in the world, but he is destined to feel the handicap of bad breeding, for which he is not responsible. He will be responsible, however, for continuance in bad form; for bad breeding may be made temporary in its effects by an earnest purpose to replace it by true culture. I knew a young man whose birth and surroundings in boyhood were as unpromising as could be imagined. His father was a very low, ignorant, drunken fellow, unclean and disgusting in all his habits, even when sober. His mother could neither read nor write, although she was possessed of intelligence and many true, womanly instincts, such as made it possible for the hovel in which they lived to bear some semblance to a home. This boy, who was the eldest of a large family, was bright enough to attract the attention of a “district visitor,” was clothed, and taken to the Sunday-school, and from thence went on through a career of self-denial, self-training, and culture, always seeking the best things, holding every advantage gained from point to point, finishing his preparatory work as one of the most polished and consecrated young men of a large college circle, paying his way by skilled labor in a machine-shop for a few hours each week, while he was being equipped for a large field of usefulness. He became especially distinguished for the elegance of his deportment toward all with whom he chanced to be brought into association. It was often said, “He never forgets himself,” “He always does the admirable thing,” “You can depend on him to do the elegant always,” and the beauty of it all was that this was a part of his Christian life. He was always wanted, but the social world that coveted him knew that he could not be had for anything that was inconsistent with Christ.

Teach your boys and girls this principle of deference to their elders, by example, as well as precept. Bring them up to practise it, with every other expression of cultivated manners, among themselves as brothers and sisters. The elder ones should, of course, never demand deference; that would be the worst of all bad forms. No true lady or gentleman will ever notice any disregard of personal rights. To demand this recognition, or to manifest resentment at its omission, is to forfeit one’s claim to it; but let each be ready to recognize the right of seniority, and that it is at least graceful for the younger ones to yield place and position to their elder brothers, sisters, and friends.

A well-bred girl or woman will open and hold the door for an old, elderly, or feeble man; will enter after him, and close the door herself, although he, if he has been trained in the habits of the “old school” of gentlemen, might insist on rendering to her the courtesy due her sex, and wait for her to pass, even if she should be young enough to be his granddaughter; but it will be a gracious act for her to unobtrusively hold the humbler place which properly belongs to her, and wait until he passes in, unless, as might sometimes happen, she would be in danger of attracting undue attention by making longer effort to thwart his courteous designs, as well as possibly cause delay to others. In such a case she should quietly thank him, and pass on as quickly as she can without haste, so as to get out of the way.

Among men and women of the same generation it is expected that a man will be always ready to perform all those little chivalric courtesies for women everywhere which he would like other men to tender to his own mother, sister, wife, or special friend, and no more. For a boy or man to treat any other woman of the same age better than he treats his own mother, sister, or wife, reveals the bad, disloyal heart which will taint the very best social “good form” with corruption. To demand from others for one’s personal friends better treatment than he himself gives, is to at once publish that he is guilty of the most contemptible form of selfishness.

“I let no man abuse my folks but myself,” was the frank confession of a young man who was always ready to fight any one who would treat his “folks” with anything like the neglect and disrespect that was his constant habit.