"But to come nearer to my present Purpose; my Design of placing you at Court, is to serve as a Spy for me upon the Squabbaws; for my Enemies, who have tried in vain all other Means to overturn me, may perhaps at last attempt it that Way; and the Avarice of these Squabbaws, which has hitherto been my Support, may one Time or other (if I am not very vigilant) prove my Ruine. For if my Enemies should bribe them, to be privately introduced to confer with the Emperor, there is an End of my Reign; for I am not insensible, that his Imperial Majesty has no Personal Affection for me, and it is his own Ease and Indolence that hinders him from looking out for some other Servant to supply my Place; for Alterations cannot be made without some little Trouble.
"Be therefore vigilant for my Interest, as you value your own: Be always quick in your Intelligence, watch every Step and Motion of the Squabbaws, and acquaint me with every thing that passes in their most secret Transactions. Let me know who are their Advisers, their Favourites, their Companions; but above all, be quick in informing me, if any Person should be admitted to confer with the Emperor; and if possible, hear what is the Subject of their Discourse. Your grotesque Form may recommend you to the Squabbaws; for Animals sometimes become Favourites amongst us, only for the Oddness of their Figure. They will say or do any thing before you, because they will never imagine you capable of making any Remarks; for the Cacklogallinians have such a Notion, that no Creatures are endued with Reason like themselves.
"But it will be necessary to instruct you in the Manner of making your Address, when you enter the Court. You must remember then to pay your Compliments to the Squabbaws, before you do to the Emperor; and of these the Vultuaquilians claim the Precedence to those of our own Nation, particularly the bulkiest. It is the Praftice here to do so, for the Emperor, as to what regards himself, is no great Lover of Ceremony. The Form of addressing these Squabbaws has something in it very singular; but the servile Manners of the Cacklogallinians to those in any Power has made it necessary to be comply'd with, and is the Cause that they now expect it. You must make a low Obeisance to the Ground, at which time they will turn their Backsides upon you, and spreading all the Feathers of their Tails, give you an Opportunity of saluting them behind. You will see the Cacklogallinians of Figure and Rank pressing in, endeavouring who shall be first in kissing the Posteriors of these Squabbaws; and those upon whom they are graciously pleased to turn their Backsides, and spread their Tails, return highly satisfied, as if some extraordinary Honour had been conferr'd upon them; nay, I my self am obliged to do it in as obsequious a Manner as any other, every time I approach them."
When he had spoke these Words, a Servant came in to give him Notice, that the Coach was ready. He ordered me to put on my Mantle, and attend him: I did so, and he was pleased to do me the Honour to carry me with him in his Coach. In the Way, he discoursed me upon several Subjects. Among other things, it came into his Head to enquire of me, whether, in the Parts of the World from whence I came, there were any such things as Poets. I gave him to understand, that we had several who had been famous in my own Country. He desired to know what kind of Persons they were: I answered him, they were the faithful Registers of the glorious Actions of great Men, whose Praises they sung, in order to stir up others, by their Examples, to the Practice of Vertue, and Love of their Country; and that as it required a great Genius, and fine Understanding, to be a good Poet, they were, for that Reason, highly caressed by the Great, and their Works so well paid for, that it was as rare to see a Poet poor, as a Minister of State grow rich by his Employment. This I said, as well out of Regard to Truth, as for the Honour of my Country. He appeared pretty much surpriz'd at this Account of our Poets, and told me theirs were of a different Character, and met with a different Fate; for they were but little regarded by any great Birds, except the Vain and the Silly, who wanted a little Flattery, for which they paid some small Gratuity, while they wou'd not accept of them as Companions; for it was not fashionable for those of Figure to converse with any thing inferior to them in Wealth or Quality, which was reputed to have Sense: On the contrary, when they receiv'd such for Companions, it was upon the Account of their being either Buffoons or Pandars; and this he was pleased to say was the Fashion.
He also confess'd to me, that he himself never had any great Regard for that Sort of Persons, which he own'd he sometimes had Reason to repent; for he found that by their Verses and Discourses, they influenced the Publick very much, by whom they were look'd upon with more Esteem, than by the Courtiers; and that his Enemies had made a proper Advantage of his Contempt of them; for they had taken the most ingenious amongst them into their Party, and exasperated them against him; so that their Compositions had kept up a Spirit against him, and he had the Mortification of seeing the People always receive with Pleasure any thing that exposed and satyriz'd his Conduct. That indeed in his own Defence, he had imploy'd some others to chant his Praise; but they were such wretched Poetasters, and did it so awkardly, that their Performances prov'd more bitter Invectives than the Satyrs of the others; for whenever there happen'd the least Flaw in his Administration, he was sure to receive congratulatory Verses immediately upon it; and that was the Time they chose to proclaim the Happiness the Subject enjoy'd by his wise Management: And they carried this Matter to such a ridiculous Height, that there was not a Vice or a Folly, that either he or any of his Family were remarkable for, but they were prais'd for the contrary Vertues and Accomplishments.
By this Time we arriv'd at the Gates of the Palace; for the Coach being drawn by Six Ostriches, we were but a little Time upon the Way; and mounting the great Stair-case, without being any way molested by the People's Curiosity (for the Moment my Lord appear'd every Fowl of what Quality soever, clapp'd his Beak to the Ground, and did not alter that Posture till he was past) he bid me stay in the Anti-chamber till sent for, and went himself into the Presence. He had not been there five Minutes, before I heard that Door open, and a Jay with a strait-body'd Coat, which button'd on his Breast, and thro' which his Wings and Legs pass'd, came hopping into the Room where I was, surrounded by the Courtiers, who view'd me with Surprize, but were so well bred as to whisper their Sentiments of me. This impertinent Jay peck'd 'em by the Legs, or pull'd 'em by the Crown-feathers, without Distinction: Nay, I saw some Cacklogallinians of the great Order, whose Heads he could not reach, stoop to him, and beg he would do them the Honour to pull their Crowns. Every one shew'd him Respect, and made way for him to come up to me; he view'd me some time, and then peck'd me by the Finger; for he did not reach higher than my Hand, when it hung down. I returned the Compliment with a Wherret of my Fist, which knock'd him over, and had cost me my Life, durst any have struck in the Palace. There was a terrible Uproar, and I was apprehensive, that I should pay dear for my Resentment; but the Emperor to whom my Lord was then giving an Account of me, being inform'd, that the Impertinence of the Jay had caus'd the Disturbance, he order'd him to be carried to the Guard, that he should be lock'd up for three Days, and take two Purges and a Vomit (for Criminals not guilty of Capital Crimes, are punish'd by a Number of Vomits or Purges, which are more or less, according to the Vileness of the Fact) I was called into the Presence-chamber, where I made my Compliment as instructed, and then address'd my self to the Ladies, giving the Precedence always to the bulkiest, according to my Instructions. The first Squabbaw whom I address'd my self to, was about Seven Foot round; her Crop hung within Six Inches of the Floor, which I have since learn'd is a particular Beauty; the Effluvia of her Body were extreamly strong, and oblig'd his Imperial Majesty, when she spread her Tail to me, to smell to an Aromatick Leaf.
This Prince, tho' of a very advanced Age, has been represented, both by the Reports of his Ministers, and others, as a Person of great Incontinency, in which I think he was injured; for tho' he pass'd most of his private Hours only in the Company of the Vultuaquilian Squabbaws (so call'd from the Province where they were born) he did it, partly because of his long Accquaintance with them, and partly to hinder the too frequent Visits of the first Minister, who scarce ever came into his Presence, but to importune him, for new Grants and Promotions for Himself and Family; and as to the Cacklogallinian Squabbaws, he sometimes admitted them to please their Husbands and Relations, who flatter themselves with an imaginary Honour, to have their Wives and Daughters near him. I have good Grounds for what I advance; for I was Five Years in his Court, and frequently convers'd with his Squabbaws. This won't I hope, be thought a piece of Vanity in me, when the Reader reflects, that I was look'd upon as a Monkey is with our Ladies.
The Emperor was highly delighted with the Present his Minister made him, and order'd all possible Care to be taken of me. My Lord told him I might be as useful to his Majesty as my Make was curious, for he found me very intelligent, learning the Languages with great Facility, and that it was possible I might be serviceable in extending his Dominions, by bringing that Part of the World, which my Species inhabited, in Subjection to his Imperial Majesty.
Have they, said the Emperor, any Gold among them? I took the Liberty of assuring his Majesty, that we were the richest Nation in the Universe; that by our Trade, which never was so flourishing as at this Time, we brought in immense Quantities of that valuable Metal, and that we suffer'd none to be exported. It may then, replied his Majesty, be worth our while, one Day to think of this.
The Emperor order'd me to be conducted to an Apartment, and Leave was given to all the Vultuaquilian first, and Cacklogallinian Quality, to see me the next Day. I had every thing I could wish provided for me, and a Month after I had been at Court, I had the Liberty of the Palace, and the Emperor would often call me into his Closet (as he found I was not ignorant in Arithmetick) to help him weigh and count his Wedges of Gold, and set down the Number, Weight and Value of each Piece; for this was a Diversion in which he amused himself.