He then goes on to show that the education of a child consists in teaching him table manners, the avoidance of unclean food, gluttony and impoliteness. He advises parents to dress their children simply and not in costly clothing. To quote once more:
“After teaching him these things it is wise to send him to school where he shall learn the Koran and the pious traditions, and the tales of the righteous and their lives, in order that a love of the pious may be imprinted in his heart; and he should be kept from reading erotic poetry and prevented from mixing with those people of education who think that this sort of reading is profitable and elevating, because, on the contrary, it produces in the hearts of children the seeds of corruption. Whenever the boy shows a good character or an act which is praiseworthy, he must be honoured for it and rewarded, so that he will be happy; and this should especially be done in the presence of others. If, on the contrary, he should act otherwise once and again, it is necessary to take no notice of it, nor to lay bare his fault, as though you imagine no one would dare to do such a thing, especially if the boy himself conceals it, and has determined to hide it; for exposing would only make him more bold in the future. If he should repeat the fault, he can be punished in secret.”
Such is the strange ethical teaching—a mingling of good and bad advice—on the part of one who has always been considered as the pillar of orthodoxy and one of the great authorities on Moslem morals.
The ethics of marriage holds a large place in Moslem literature, and also in the works of Al-Ghazali. Marriage is enjoined upon every Moslem, and celibacy is discouraged. “Marriage,” said Mohammed the Prophet, “is my custom, and he who dislikes it does not belong to my people.” And in another tradition: “Marriage is one-half of true religion.” Even the members of the ascetic orders in Islam are generally married. The vow of celibacy was therefore not known among the mystics. Marriage is defined by Moslem jurists as “a contract by which the husband obtains possession of the wife and is allowed to enjoy her, if there be no legal impediment preventing the same.” “Marriage,” says Al-Ghazali himself, “is a kind of slavery, for the wife becomes the slave of her husband and it is her duty to obey him absolutely in everything he requires of her, except in what is contrary to the laws of Islam.”
In the selection of a wife, Al-Ghazali advises his disciples to look for the following qualifications: (1) piety, (2) good character, (3) beauty, (4) a moderate dowry, (5) ability to bear children, (6) that she be a virgin, (7) of a good family, (8) that she be not of near relation. The duties of the husband to the wife and the duties of the wife to her husband are given in detail by Al-Ghazali in his Ihya and in some of his other works. The husband, according to this teaching, ought to maintain a golden mean in dealing with his wife in twelve points, that is, he means that there should be no excess of kindness or excess of harshness in any of these particulars: (1) the marriage feast; (2) behaviour; (3) playfulness or caressing; (4) maintaining his dignity; (5) jealousy; (6) pecuniary allowance; (7) teaching; (8) granting every wife her rights (in the Moslem sense); (9) chastisement; (10) the rules of cohabitation; (11) childbirth; (12) divorce. In one place he says if the wife be disobedient and obstinate, the husband has the right to punish her and force her to obey him, but he must proceed gradually, exhort, admonish, threaten, abstain from intercourse with her for three days, beat her so as to let her feel the pain, but be careful not to wound her in the face, make her blood flow abundantly or break a bone! The teaching of Al-Ghazali on divorce and slavery is so thoroughly Moslem that much of it is untranslatable. Suffice it to say that he agrees with other doctors of Moslem law in excusing onanism and other sins under certain circumstances, and even indicates that it may become a duty if practiced in order to escape from greater sins.[68]
In spite of his Islamic conception of the sexual relation, Al-Ghazali certainly inspires our respect by what he says on the kindly treatment of the wife and the evil of divorce. Only one would like to know whether he himself had more than one wife and whether she was a worthy helpmeet to her husband and he to her. His biographers are silent.
“A man should remain on good terms with his wife. This does not mean that he should never cause her pain, but that he should bear any annoyance she causes him, whether by her unreasonableness or ingratitude, patiently. Woman is created weak, and requiring concealment; she should therefore be borne with patiently, and kept secluded. The Prophet said, ‘He who bears the ill-humour of his wife patiently will earn as much merit as Job did by the patient endurance of his trials.’ On his deathbed also he was heard to say, ‘Continue in prayer and treat your wives well, for they are your prisoners.’
“Wise men have said, ‘Consult women, and act the contrary to what they advise.’ In truth there is something perverse in women, and if they are allowed even a little license, they get out of control altogether, and it is difficult to reduce them to order again. In dealing with them one should endeavour to use a mixture of severity and tenderness, with a greater proportion of the latter. The Prophet said, ‘Woman was formed of a crooked rib; if you try to bend her, you will break her; if you leave her alone, she will grow more and more crooked; therefore treat her tenderly.’[69]
“The greatest care should be taken to avoid divorce, for, though divorce is permitted, yet God disapproves of it, because the very utterance of the word ‘divorce’ causes a woman pain, and how can it be right to pain any one? When divorce is absolutely necessary, the formula for it should not be repeated thrice all at once, but on three different occasions. A woman should be divorced kindly, not through anger and contempt, and not without a reason. After divorce a man should give his former wife a present, and not tell others that she has been divorced for such and such a fault. Of a certain man who was instituting divorce proceedings against his wife it is related that people asked him, ‘Why are you divorcing her?’ He answered, ‘I do not reveal my wife’s secrets.’ When he had actually divorced her, he was asked again, and said, ‘She is a stranger to me now; I have nothing to do with her private affairs.’”