A slouenly Charme for sore eies.
The Deuill pull out both thine eies,
And etish spel this word backward and you shall see what a slouenly charme this is etish. in the holes likewise.
A Miller that had his eeles stolne by night, made mone to the priest of the parish, who indeede was the principall of the theeues that stole the eeles, Sir Iohn willed him to be quiet, for said he I will to curse the theeues, and their adherents with bell, booke, and candle, that they shall haue small ioy of their fish, and therefore the next sonday Sir Iohn gotte him vp to the pulpit with his surplis on his back, and his Gole about his neck, and pronounced these words following, in the audience of the people.
All ye that haue stolne the myllers Eeles
Laudate Dominum in coelis:
And all they that haue consented therunto
Benedicamus Domino.
By this little you may plainely perceaue the foppery of the Church of Rome, who hould such toyes as authenticall, and also there knauery to make the people beleeue, lies for truth, and falshod for honestie, Bearing them in hand, as in this, so in all the rest, with blindenes, and ignorance but hereof ynoughe.
And now to conclude, lett vs backe againe with one pretty knack, which is held to be meruilous and wonderfull. And that is to make a horse tell you how much money you haue in your purse: and I reade of a pretty story of an asse at Memphis in Egypt, that could do rare feates, among other Iuggling knackes, there and then vsed: there was one that tooke paynes with an asse, that he had taught him, all these quallities following, and for game he caused a stage to be made, and an assembly of people to meete, which being downe in the manner of a play, he came in with his asse, and sayde: The Sultan hath great neede of asses, to helpe to carry stones, and other stuffe towards his great building which he hath in hande: the asse immediately fell downe to the ground, and by all signes shewed himself to be sick, and at length to giue vp the ghost, so as the Iuggler begged of the assembly money towards his asse, and hauing gotten all that he could, he saide, now my masters you shall see mine asse is yet aliue, and doth but counterfeit, because he would haue some money to buy him prouender, knowing that I was poore and in some neede of reliefe: heere vpon he would needes lay a wager that his asse was aliue, who to euery mans seeing was starke dead: and when one had laid mony with him therevpon, he commaunded the asse to arise, but hee lay still as though he were dead: then did he beate him with a Cudgell, but that would not serue the turne, vntill he had addressed his speech to the Asse, saying as before in open audience, the Sultane hath commaunded that all the people shall ride out to morrow, and see the triumph, and that the faire Ladies will ride vpon the fairest Asses, and will giue notable prouender to them, and euery Asse shall drinke of the sweete water of Nylus: and then, loe the Asse did presently start vp, and aduance himself exceedingly. Loe quoth his master, now I haue wonne: but in troth the Maior hath borrowed my Asse for the vse of the old il-fauoured witch his wife: and therevpon immediately he hung downe his eares and halted downe right, as though he had bene starke lame: then said his Master, I perceaue you loue young pretty wenches: at which the asse looked vp as it were with a ioyfull cheere, and then his master bad him choose out one that should ride vpon him, and he ran to a very hansome woman, and touched her with his head.
Such a one is at this day to be seene in London, his master will say, sirra, heere be diuers Gentlemen, that haue lost diuers things, and they heare say that thou canst tell them tydings of them where they are: if thou canst, prethee shew thy cunning and tell them: then hurles he downe a handkercher or a gloue that he had taken from the parties before, and bids him giue it the right owner, which the horse presently doth: and many other pretty feates this horse doth, and some of those trickes as the Asse before mencioned did, which not one among a thousand perceaues how they are done, nor how he is brought to learne the same: and note that all the feates that this horse doth, is altogether in numbering: as for ensample, His master will aske him how many people there are in the roome: the horse will pawe with his foote so many times as there are people: and marke the eye of the horse is alwaies vpon his master, and as his master moues, so goes he or stands still, as he is brought to it at the first: as for ensample, his master will throw you three dice, and will bid his horse tell how many you or he haue throwne, then the horse pawes with his foote whiles the master stands stone still: then when his master sees hee hath pawed so many as the first dice shewes it selfe, then he lifts vp his shoulders and stirres a little: then he bids him tell what is on the second die, and then of the third die, which the horse will doe accordingly, still pawing with his foote vntill his master sees he hath pawed ynough, and then stirres: which the horse marking, will stay and leaue pawing. And note, that the horse will paw an hundred times together, vntill he sees his master stirre: and note also that nothing can be done, but his master must first know, and then his master knowing, the horse is ruled by him by signes. This if you marke at any time you shall plainely perceaue.