The love demonstrations of children in the first stage of the emotion's development are generally spontaneous, profuse, and unrestrained. There is an absence of shyness, of any sense of shame, of the feeling of self-consciousness. The children have as yet no notion of the meaning of sex. Their naïvete in this regard has not been destroyed by the social suggestion that such actions are wrong and vulgar. They are natively happy and free in their ignorance. The individual differences among children are as great in their experiencing and manifesting this emotion as they are in any other phase of life, so not infrequently we find children under eight years of age who are shy, repressive and self-conscious in regard to their love actions. The same children are shy and repressive in other things. It is more of a general disposition than a specific attitude toward this one emotion.
The giving of gifts and the sharing of choice possessions is very common. The emotion in its earliest form introduces the element of self-sacrifice for the loved one that is inseparable from the emotion in all of its normal stages of development. It likewise introduces the intense selfishness that comes from the desire to monopolize the allegiance of the one loved. An only child, who as a rule is very selfish and will not share any of his possessions with others, readily gives up a liberal part to the lover. During the earlier years of this stage the gift is appreciated for its inherent value; it is good to eat, or pretty to look at, or has some other real value. This inherent value continues to be an element of appreciation in lovers's gifts throughout life. It is given by the lover as an expression of his love, and so received and prized by the sweetheart. Everything else being equal, the greater the real value the more satisfactory is the love expression to both. In the 6th and 7th years there appears unmistakable evidence of acquired value in the presents. They become of value because the lover gave them and, on account of their associations, are preserved as keepsakes. As early as the 6th and 7th years presents are taken from their places of safe keeping or where they are on exhibition as ornaments, and kissed and fondled as expressions of love for the absent giver. This is interesting as evidence of love-fetichism appearing in early childhood.
The emotion otherwise affects the moods and disposition of children. Refractory children, whose parents manage them with difficulty, become docile and amiable under the influence of the sweetheart or lover. Boys who, at other times, are cowards will fight with vigor and courage when their love is concerned. Children that have a sociable disposition sometimes become exclusive and abandon all other playmates for the chosen one, and cannot be induced to play with any one else. Ideas of marriage are often present, but they are vague and are present through social suggestion. The general attitude is represented by the testimony of one woman who stated that she had no definite idea of marriage at the time of her earliest childish love affair, but that she had a vague feeling that she and her little lover would always be together, and this feeling was a source of pleasure. Certainly children under eight have little foresight; they are chiefly absorbed in the present whose engrossing emotions give no premonition that they will ever change.
Beauty begins to be a factor in the choice of a sweetheart among the children in this first stage. The most beautiful, charming, and attractive little girls are the ones who are favored. This element becomes much more conspicuous in the later stages. Jealousy is present from the first. It is more pronounced in the cases of love between children and adults of the opposite sex on account of the child's being less able to monopolize the attention of the adult and on account of the precocity of the child concerned in such cases. A fuller discussion of jealousy belongs in another section of this study.
Typical Cases.
Case 1. Boy 3, girl 5. Love is mutual. When in a large company of children they will always separate themselves from the others and play together. Never tire of telling each other of their love. Delight in kissing and embracing, and do not care who sees them.
Case 2. B. 5, g. 4. Began at ages given and still continues, two years having gone. Are often seen hand-in-hand; are very jealous of each other. Boy more backward than girl. Will not play with other children when they can be together.
Case 3. B. 3, g. 3½. Have been deeply in love since their third week in kindergarten. Rose not so jealous as Russel. She always watches for his coming, and runs to meet him the moment he enters the room. They sit together at the table and in the circle, and cry if separated. They are very free and unrestrained in showing their love by kissing, hugging, and by many little attentions.
Case 4. B. 3, g. 3. My little nephew of three and a little neighbor girl of the same age had a most affectionate love for each other, and were not at all shy about it. They would kiss each other when they met, and seemed to think it all right. The little boy used to tell me that they would marry when grown. This continued about two and a half years; then the girl's parents moved away, much to the grief of both children. The little boy would often climb up and take the girl's photograph from the mantle and kiss it.
Case 5. B. 3, g. 3. My nephew of three manifested an ardent passion for a small girl of about the same age. He followed her about with dog-like persistence. Being an only child he was very selfish, never sharing anything with other children. But Bessie became the recipient of all his playthings. His hoard of treasures was laid at her feet. Nothing was good enough for her, nor could he be dressed fine enough when she was around. On one occasion, a large boy picked Bessie up to fondle her, whereupon her jealous lover seized a hatchet and attacked his rival. He imperiously demanded a dollar from me one day in order that he might buy Bessie and have her ‘all for his own.’ He is now six, and loves her as much as ever.
Case 6. I know of two young people who have been lovers since babyhood. As they grew up their love for each other assumed different aspects. During the first seven years of their lives their love was open and frank, showing no restriction of the regard they felt. Caresses and embraces were indulged in as freely and unrestrictedly as might have been between two little girls. But when school life began and they became exposed to the twits and teasings of their playmates there developed a shy timidity and reserve when in the presence of others. Though they have been separated for long periods at different times their love has continued.
Case 7. Both about five years old when they first showed signs of love that I observed. May have begun earlier. Lasted four years. Broken up by girl's parents moving away. Love was mutual without any signs of jealousy that I could see. Exchanged gifts, such as candy, nuts, flowers, etc. Their actions at first very free either when alone or in the presence of others. Later they became somewhat shy in the presence of others, but free when alone. Upon the girl's moving away the boy showed very deep feeling of sorrow. Do not know about the girl.
Case 8. My little brother at the age of four was very much in love with a little girl two years of age. He used to lead the little girl around, caress her tenderly, and talk lovingly to her. He always divided with her the playthings he most appreciated. He often said he expected to marry her. While the little girl did not object to his demonstrations, she seemed to care more for a young man thirty-three years of age, and called him her sweetheart. The little boy became jealous, and finally gave her up. After they entered school together the little girl became very fond of my brother, and always managed to sit or stand next to him in the class if possible, but he had lost all interest in her, and never cared for her again.
Case 9. B. 6, g. 5. They had been lovers for about two years. They did not get to be together often since they lived in different towns. Their families were relatives and exchanged visits. Upon one occasion when of the age indicated above they met at the home of Jeaness's grandfather. Edgar came late. Jeaness was seated upon a hassock in the parlor where there were several guests. Upon Edgar's entering the door, she saw him and, as her little face beamed with evident delight, she arose and met him in the middle of the room. They were immediately in each others arms. Edgar's mother, seeing the vigor with which he was hugging Jeaness, said to him with concern: “Why, Edgar, you will hurt Jeaness.” Jeaness, who evidently was better able to judge, archly turned her head and with a smile that meant much, said: “No, he won't.”
Case 10. B. 2, g. 2. One afternoon last summer two of my little cousins, Florence twenty-three months old and Harold two years old, were spending the day at my home. They had never met until that day. Florence is an only child and is inclined to have her own way, and isn't willing to give up to other children. Harold has rather a sunny disposition. They had not been with each other more than an hour before they were sitting on the porch and Florence had her arms around Harold. She was very willing to give up to him and share all she had. They played together the remainder of the day, and were very affectionate. Ever since then they have been very devoted to each other, and it is very beautiful to watch them in all their little ways of indicating their love for each other.
Case 11. I attended a wedding last June which was the outcome of a striking illustration of this love. I will tell the story as the bride's mother told it to me. “This does not seem like a marriage to me but just one more step in a friendship which began when Minnie and Theo were babies. Before either could walk they would sit on the floor and play with each other—never having any trouble over playthings, but sharing everything alike. Theo would break bits of cake and put in Minnie's mouth, and then both would laugh as though it were a great joke. If they were separated both would cry. As they grew up the friendship grew stronger, and Theo always called Minnie his 'little wife.' At school they were always lovers, and when we moved here it was understood that when Minnie was twenty-one Theo should come for her. During their entire lives I do not know of a single quarrel between them.”
Case 12. One bright morning I noticed a little boy sitting in front of me who had not been there before. He turned around occasionally to look at me, and presently smiled. Of course I returned the smile, thinking that he was the sweetest little fellow that I had ever seen. This was the beginning of a love that lasted for several years. He was six, and I was the same age. On the next day he brought me a pretty picture, and after that paid so much attention to me that he was soon acknowledged to be my lover. Neither of us was the least bit shy over it. He did not care to play with the other boys and I did not care to play with the girls. We were not contented unless we were together. He freely confessed his love to me and confided all of his joys and sorrows in me. For three years and more he seemed to care as much for me as I did for him. When he came to our home to play with my brothers he usually forgot them and played with me. At dinner mamma always seated us side-by-side. We planned our marriage; his father who was a minister was to perform the ceremony. We discussed wedding dresses, bridesmaids and breakfasts with great seriousness. One day,—the fatal one to my childish happiness, a new girl came to school. I could not help noticing how often his eyes turned from me to her, and feared a rival from the first. He wanted her to play with us, and although I far rather would have preferred being alone with him, I hid my feelings and asked her. I tried to treat her kindly because I knew that it would please him. One day he asked me with great hesitation if I objected to his having two sweethearts. I smothered my jealous feelings and replied that I did not if he would marry me. He told me that he would, that he loved me,—in a way that was a compensation for my sacrifice. For some time the other girl and I got along very well as sister sweethearts; but I soon saw that she was receiving all of the caresses, and I concluded that I would not have it so. We had an interview. He said that he still loved me, but he gave me plainly to understand that he would be pleased to have me withdraw. Of course I did so, but was determined never to let either of them know that I cared. After a time they grew tired of each other, and he came to ask my forgiveness and make up, but by that time I had an older and as I thought better sweetheart; so he was left to repent his rash action while sweetheart number two captured some one else more suited to her taste.
Characteristics of the Second Stage.
The second stage in the development of the emotion of sex-love extends in time from the eighth year to about the twelfth year in girls and to the fourteenth year in boys. It is characterized by the appearance of shyness, of modesty, especially in girls, of self-consciousness and consequent efforts toward self-repression; by the inhibition of the spontaneous, impulsive love-demonstrations so freely indulged in during the previous stage. The boys are more secretive than the girls, but the tendency to conceal the love is present in both. This is the reason why fewer returns came for the years eight to twelve than for the years before and after this period. The children were to a degree successful in hiding their love and so passed unobserved. To the observer who does not depend upon the more demonstrative signs but who sees the less obvious but equally indicative ones, the emotion is easily detected. There is a conspicuous absence of pairing. The lover and sweetheart are not often seen alone together. On the other hand, they are much confused and embarrassed when circumstances do bring them into each other's presence. Mutual confessions are seldom made,—at least, not directly, face to face. Some confess to friends, but this is usually done very reluctantly. Some confess through notes delivered by friends, or passed in some secret way; some reveal it by defending the sweetheart when she is being “talked about,” in many of which cases boys fight most spiritedly for the honor of the one they love. Some never confess,—neither to friends nor to lover. Some boys deny that they are in love and speak slightingly about their sweetheart, but afterwards confess. Then there are the revelations through gifts that are nearly always delivered in some secret manner, in many instances of which the giver leaves no clue that would reveal his identity; in other instances cards or notes are left, but it is rare to find lovers in this stage giving gifts face to face. Another indication that will not escape the close observer and which the confessions especially reveal, is that of the boy lover off at a distance, “feasting his eyes” upon every movement of his “girl” who may know absolutely nothing about his devotion. He may be seen following her about the playground or along the street, always, however, at a safe distance. Although modesty shows itself as a characteristic trait of the girl even at this early age, she is on the whole more aggressive in these early love affairs than the boy and less guarded about revealing her secret. However, the impulse to conceal the emotion,—to inhibit its direct manifestations—is fundamental to this stage of the emotion's development in both sexes and is, as we shall see later, of the deepest significance.
As in every other field of investigation, so here, we find that not all of the facts conform to our classification. Thus occasionally couples between eight and twelve or fourteen years of age are found who enjoy each other's company and so pair off and freely express their feelings as they do in the previous stage and also in the one that follows. The boys of these couples are generally those of effeminate tendencies who have been accustomed to play with girls instead of with boys. They are never very highly respected by the other boys, and later, at adolescence, are tolerated by the girls rather than respected and sought by them. Again there are individuals who are very timid in their general disposition, and are consequently undemonstrative and inhibitive at all times.
We have emphasized the fact that children that have sex-love in this second stage of its development, as a rule, avoid all direct expressions of their feelings and that lovers are awkward, embarrassed, self-conscious and ill-at-ease in each other's presence. This is true when the conditions are such that their personalities meet in mutual recognition without a third thing as a shield. They are not yet in that stage of development wherein they, themselves, become the chief objects of conversation and wherein endearments and compliments become the chief stock-in-trade. However, the emotion has its expression indirectly through games, plays and other incidents that can be used as masks. Instead of direct contact of personalities through the love confession as such, it is long-circuited through some conventionality. In this regard the games of children are used very effectively. The following games are the ones which I have personally seen used oftenest: Post-office, Clap-in-clap-out, Snap-and-catch-it, Skip-to-my-Lou, Way-down-in-the-Paw-Paw-Patch, King-William, London-Bridge, Thread-the-Needle, Picking Grapes, Digging-a-Well, Black-Man, Prison-Base, Tag, All-I-Want-is-a-Handsome-Man, Green Gravel, Down-in-the-Meadow, All-Around-this-Pretty-Little-Maid. These are merely the ones that have seemed favorites and by no means exhaust the list of love games that I have seen used. Out of eighty-three games of Washington (D. C.) children reported in the American Anthropologist, by W. H. Babcock,[9] as many as thirty are love games. In this, as in the previous stage, the embrace is the most important love expression and stimulus. But in this stage it takes on disguised forms or is excused by the ceremony of the games. Some are kissing games, e. g., Post-Office, Paw-Paw-Patch, King William, Picking Grapes, Digging-a-Well, etc.; some are hugging games, e. g., London Bridge, Thread-the-Needle, etc., and some involve both hugging and kissing, e. g., Green Grows the Willow Tree. The kiss is not the frank love kiss given and received as such, but one called for by the rules of the game. This makes the kissing relatively impersonal and enables the young lovers thoroughly to enjoy the love communication without the awkward embarrassment that would come to them if the expression were not thus long-circuited through the game. The charm of the whole thing is in the fact that under the guise of a ceremony love has its way.