Yours truly, etc....
P. S.—You would only have to pay for the fresh supplies of plants for your drawing-room.
This was the extent of the man’s coarseness. I asked one of my friends to go and give the low fellow his answer.
I was in despair, though, for I felt that I could not live without comfort and luxury.
I soon made up my mind as to what I must do, but not without great sorrow. I had been offered a magnificent engagement in Russia, and I should have to accept it. Mme. Guérard was my sole confidant, and I did not mention my plan to anyone else. The idea of Russia terrified her, for at that time my chest was very delicate and cold was my most cruel enemy. It was just as I had made up my mind to this that the lawyer arrived. His avaricious and crafty mind had schemed out the clever and, for him, profitable combination, which was to change my whole life once more.
I took a pretty flat on the first floor of a house in the Rue de Rome. It was very sunny, and that delighted me more than anything else. There were two drawing-rooms and a large dining-room. I arranged for my grandmother to live at a home kept by lay Sisters and nuns. She was a Jewess, and carried out very strictly all the laws laid down by her religion. The house was very comfortable, and my grandmother took with her her own maid, the young girl from Burgundy, to whom she was accustomed. When I went to see her she told me that she was much better off there than with me. “When I was with you,” she said, “I found your boy too noisy.” I very rarely went to visit her there, for after seeing my mother turn pale at her unkind words I never cared any more for her. She was happy, and that was the essential thing.
I now played in “Le Bâtard,” in which I had great success; in “L’Affranchi,” in “L’Autre,” by George Sand, and in “Jean-Marie,” a little masterpiece by André Theuriet, which had the most brilliant success. Porel played the part of Jean-Marie. He was at that time slender, and full of hope as regarded his future. Since then his slenderness has developed into plumpness and his hope into certitude.
Evil days then came upon us! Paris began to get feverish and excited. The streets were black with groups of people, discussing and gesticulating. And all this noise was only the echo of far-distant groups gathered together in German streets. These other groups were yelling, gesticulating, and discussing, but—they knew; while we—did not know!
I could not keep calm, but was extremely excited, until finally I was ill. War was declared, and I hate war! It exasperates me and makes me shudder from head to foot. At times I used to spring up terrified, upset by the distant cries of human voices.
Oh, war! What infamy, shame, and sorrow! War! What theft and crime, abetted, forgiven, and glorified!