Bypaths in Dixie: Folk Tales of the South

by Sarah Johnson Cocke

“Cap’n Hornit say, ‘Name er de Lawd, Mist’r Grab-All, is you bin sleep th’u all dis fracus dat’s ’bout ter bus’ loose?’

“Grab-All spit his quid out; an’ gap loud er time er two, an’ say, ‘Whut you torkin’ ’bout, Cap’n Hawnit?’

“Hawnit zoon erbout, an’ holl’r, ‘Wake up!’ sez he, ‘Wake up, I wants yer ter hope me wipe dem Yall’r Jackits off’n creation.’

“Grab-All set up an’ take notice, like he gwine jine de hawnit’s army dat minit, den he sorter crumble hisse’f down, an’ low, ‘Lawdy, Lawdy, ef I jes’ wus er solger like you is, Cap’n Hawnit, I’d be de bigges’ man in de woel.’ Whut’s de use er you axin’ enybody ter hope you fight?—Why you kin whup out dem Yall’r Jackits ’fo’ de time start ter commence!’ Den he laf’ an’ slap hisse’f on de knee, an’ say, ‘I wush ter de Lawd I wus er fightin’ man like you is, Cap’n!’

“Cap’n Hawnit swell his chist out tell he look like he gwine bus’ dem solger butt’ns off sho’, an’ Grab-All roll hisse’f up ergin like he done gone back ter sleep er nuth’r hund’rd ye’rs.

“Soon es Cap’n Hawnit g’long off, Grab-All onrap hisse’f ergin, an’ swing er long on de lim’ er de trees by his spid’r web.”

“Mammy, why didn’t he walk on the ground?”

“’Caze, son, he nuv’r want ter make no tracks, so fokes kin fine out his biznes’.—Nor, suh, he swing hisse’f by dat spid’r web er his’n tell he come ter Mist’r Inch Wurm’s house. Inch Wurm’s old lady say, ‘Yond’r come dat old Grab-All Spid’r, yer bett’r take keer how yer fools wid ’im.’

“Jes’ den Grab-All th’ow his hat on de flo’ an’ bow low down ter Miss Inch Wurm an’ sez he, ‘I jes’ come ter tell yo’ ole man whar dar’s er sight er money waitin’ fur somebody ter come ’long an’ pick up.’

“Ole lady Inch Wurm sort’r take notice, she do, an’ ax ’im ter pass de news erlong. Grab-All say: ‘Nor, you jes’ set right still tell me an’ yo’ ole man come back an’ fetch yer er hat full er money.’