To the Editers of The Cawcashin:
Surs:—We are all on the qui vivers here for war noose. Linkin gets up sometimes in the middul of the nite to hear a dispach received by Sekratary Stantin, and as much of it as is thought good for the health of the peepil is sent to the papers. The other nite Linkin called me. This was very unushul for him, for he ginrally tells me in the mornin, at the breckfast tabel, and axes my opinion, but he sent for me that nite and sed that I must git up and read the noose. So I went down and he showed me the dispach that Gennerral Mitchell got of Bowregards. "Now," ses the Kernel, "you see, Majer, we've got the raskils in a korner. They've got to fite or run, and if they fite they're licked, and if they run they're licked. We shall now soon have Memfus, and that jest pens up Jeff Davis in Virginny. You see, Majer, Bowregard ses he ain't got but 35,000 troops." Ses I, "Kernel, let me take a look at that dispach." I put on my specs and read it over twice or three times very kerfully, and then ses I, "Kernel, I don't think you orter put grate faith in that. As Elder Doolittle used to say, 'it may be a bee, and then agin it may be a wasp.' That Bowregard is a grate feller at stratagy, and it might be another dodge of his. And then agin, Kernel, that was afore you signed the bill abolishin slavery in the District of Columby. As sure as your born that will be worth a hundred thousan sojers to Jeff Davis." "Wal," ses Linkin, "let it, who cares? The truth is, Majer, we Republicans have been talkin about the great principle of the equality of all men, includin Injins, niggers, Chinees and so on, and now they want me to apply the principle, and I'm goin to do it. I think there is sum humbug in it sumwhere, but I don't exactly see where, and as they will give me no peace, and will never be satisfied ennyhow until it is dun, I'm goin to put it thru." "Wal," ses I, "Kernel, go ahed, but look out for squalls. Perhaps," ses I, "you never heerd the story about Zenas Humspum 'applyin the principle. I hope you won't hev as bad luck as he did." "No," ses Linkin, "I never heerd that story. What was it?" "Wal," ses I, "Zenas was a good-natered feller, who lived in Downingville, and a wonderful inquirin sort of a chap, allers and forever prying into things. If he bought a clock he'd take it all apart with his jack-nife, jest to see how it went together. So about the time that the telegraph was started and an offis was set up in our town, Zenas was eenamost puzzled to deth to get the hang of the critter, as he called it. One day he went to the offis and axed the feller to show him all about it. The chap was very perlite, and explained to him the grate principle on which it worked, but Zenas didn't exactly see through it, and kept axing questions and botherin the feller till he got clean out of pashins. Finally, ses he to Zenas, 'Perhaps you would like to see me apply the principle.' Zenas said he would, of course. 'Wal,' ses he, 'then you jest take hold of them brass nobs and stick to 'em tight.' So Zenas grabbed hold of 'em like all possessed, but he hadn't more than fairly got hold before he lay sprawlin on the floor. The 'principle' had knocked him clean over. Now, Zenas was a terribul feller to smoke, and allers carried his pockets full of lusifer matches to lite his pipe with. It so happened that he had a hull box-full in his coat-tail pocket as he keeled over on the floor, and as he fell they scratched agin one another so strong that they all got afire. It warn't but a little while afore Zenas' coat-tail was all in a blaze, and before it could be put out it had burnt an awful big hole in the seat of his trowsers, and schorched him thereabouts amazinly. Zenas yelled and hollered awful, and sed he didn't want to know enthing more about 'applyin the principle.' Now," ses I, "Kernel, I hope you won't hev as bad luck as Zenas did, but depend on't, this applyin principles you don't exactly understand is dangerous business. If you don't get burnt somewhere it will be a wonder."
"Wal," ses Linkin, "Majer, you are a cute chap in tellin a story, but now, tell me, do you think the nigger an the white man didn't cum from the same parrient?" "Now," ses I, "Kernel, that's axin a deep question. You see its onpossibul to tell what the Creatur may have done. He might have made only one kind of man at fust, an then altered their constitushins, an complexions, an brains afterwards. You see everything is possibul to the Creatur. Or the nigger may have cum from Ham, who was cussed for his sins, but then I don't see that it is enything agin the scriptoors to believe that all the kinds of men were made at the beginnin jest as they are now. But it don't make eny difference how they cum so, so long as they are different. You can't eny more make a white man out of a nigger now than you can breed a lion out of a polecat. You see, it's clar agin natur to expect to make the nigger enything but a nigger. You can't get a peach out of a crab-apple, nor a pumpkin out of a watermelon, nor eagles out of ducks' eggs. You can't raise chickens from egg-plants, or produce goslins from gooseberries. You see, Kernel, everything in natur must go accordin to natur. If the nigger had been intended to be equil to the white man, hed been made jest like a white man, and the very fact that he ain't made so, is proof positive that he warn't intended to be put in a white man's place. Trying to make a nigger act like a white man is jest like old Sol Hopkins, one year harnessing his off ox an his hoss together to plow corn. The ox was lazy as he could be, an the hoss was a young, high-strung animil, an such a pullin an haulin team you never did see. It almost killed both. You see, it was workin agin natur. It was tryin to make a hoss an ox, and an ox a hoss, neither of which things can be did. You see, Kernel, everything in natur must go according to natur."
"Wal," ses Linkin, "there is a good deal in what you say, but then the peepil don't believe it. They think the nigger is only accidentally black, and if he lacks in mind and capacity, it is all owin to slavery, an they won't believe eny other way until they see for themselves. I tell you, Majer, the principle has got to be applied, no matter how meny coat-tails or how meny trowsers are burnt."
"But," ses I, "Kernel, can't they see how the thing has worked in places whar nigger equality has been tried?" "That don't settle the question, Majer. Peepil are jest like hogs in that respect. Did you ever see a lot of hot swill put in a trough, an every single hog in the pen would go an stick in his snoot an get it burned? Not one would larn from the others. After we've tried nigger equality, we'll know what it is, an how we like it. We must apply the principle, an in some way, you may depend upon it Majer, all the niggers down South will be sot free."
"Wal," ses I, "Kernel, I guess that there are other folks who think jest as you do, for somebody has sent me some varses in relashin to the nex great emancipashin which is to cum off, cut from some noospaper. I will read 'em to you:
THE EMANCIPATION BALL,
GIVEN TO FOUR MILLIONS OF NEGROES, BY THE GREAT REPUBLICAN P-A-I-R-T-Y.
Anodder Great Ball is soon to be,
De like of which you nebber did see,