LETTER XIV.
The President Has an Attack of Fever and Ague—The Major Prescribes Elder Bark Tea—A Fearful Mistake—The Bark Scraped the Wrong Way—Mr. Lincoln has to be Rolled—Stanton, Seward and the Major—A Ludicrous Scene—The "Kernel" comes to and Begins to Joke—The Moral of Taking the Wrong Medicine—"The Irrepressible Conflict."
Washington, August 1, 1862.
To the Editers of The Cawcashin:
Surs:—I tell you I've had my hands full since I writ you last. Linkin has been nigh about down sick with the fever an ager. Of course it wouldn't do to let the tel-lie-graf git hold of it, for it would scare Wall street in spasms, and knock stocks down wus than the retreat of Ginneral McClellan. So Stantin put his sensership on the news, an that was the end of it, while I went to work as I could to cure the Kernel up. You see, the Kernel, for the last month or so, has been very much broke of his sleep. Sumtimes he's up nigh about the hull nite consulten with Stantin, an Hallick, an Seward, an the nite air has been too much for him. The banks of the Potomick in July an August are mity hard on the constitushin, an ef there is any bilyusness in a man, its purty sure to bring it out. Linkin says his constitushin is just like the war, so far, nigh about all billyus. One day I went into the Kernel's room, an seein he looked kinder blue about the gills, ses I, "Kernel, what's the matter?" Ses he, "Majer, I feel as cold as a frozen turnip." Ses I, "Kernel, ain't you gettin the ager?" Ses he, "No, Majer, I don't think I'm gettin it, for I've got it already." "Wal," ses I, "Kernel, ef there is eny feller on arth who can cure the fever an ager, it's me." "Wal," says he, "Majer, I wish you would go ahead, for I can't afford to be sick now. The truth is, ef I had a good ax an some chestnut timber I could soon work off the shakes myself. I used to have them when I was a boy, powerful bad, but I could jest go out eny mornin and break an ager by splitting up a hundred rails as a breakfast spell; but now I s'pose I must dose myself with some sort of pizen doctor stuff, just because it wouldn't look well for a President to split rails." "No," ses I, "Kernel, you needn't take eny pizen stuff. I'll fix you sum medecin which was a grate favorite with Ginneral Jackson, an it will cure you up as sure as my name's Downing." Ses he, "What is it?" Ses I, "It's elder bark tea." So I jest went to work and got the feller in bad close, who does chores around the White House, to go out into the sububs an scrape me sum bark. I told him very particaler how to do it, an to be very kerful an not to scrape it roundabout-ways of the wood. You see, elder bark is the queerest stuff in the world. If you scrape it down it acts as a fisic, an if you scrape it upwards it becomes an emetick, while by scrapin it around-ways, it ain't nuther one thing nor tother, but just raises a young arthquake gripin an panein a feller as ef the cholery, an yaller fever, an kronick rumatiz had all got hold of him at once. Purty soon the feller cum back, and I went to work makin the tea. After I got it fixed, I went in an give it to Linkin, who was shakin away as ef he would fall apart. "Now," says I, "Kernel, ef you feel bad in the nite jest call me, and I will see what's the matter." Nigh about mornin sum one was rappin at my door like all possessed. I bounded out as spry as I could, an down stairs I went. There was Linkin agroanin an writhin, an lookin as pale as a ghost, an as lean and lank as a rail. They had sent for Seward an Stantin, an all hands were in a terribul excitement. Seward seemed to be awfully worried. Ses he, "Major, what would we do if Linkin dies, for he's the only one of us left that the peeple's got eny faith in at all?" Stantin didn't say nothin, but he was lookin round, I thought, to see where the Kernel's trowsers was. As soon as I got a fair look at the Kernel, an felt his pulze, I began to suspect what was the matter. The fust thing I did was to call the feller in bad close who got the elder bark, an ask him particular how he scraped it. Cum to find out, the numskull had cut the bushes down, an then scraped them around, jest what I had telled him not to do. I comprehended the situashin in a jiffy. Ses I, "Mr. Seward, I understand all about this case, an ef you'll stand back about four inches, an do jest as I tell you, we'll have the Kernel all rite in no time." Then, turnin round, ses I, "Stantin, I want you to lend a hand, too, and make yourself ginnerally useful, an don't run off an issoo a proclamashin afore you know what is what." "Now," ses I, "the feller that got the elder bark for the Kernel scraped it the rong way, an the medicine won't work. The only way to get it rite is to roll the Kernel over fourteen times clean across the floor. It is a tough remedy, but desput diseases require desput remedies." So I telled Seward an Stantin to take hold, and the way we rolled the Kernel over an over was a caushin. It seemed as ef it might break every bone in his body, for his frame is so sharp an so full of angles that it jarred an jolted like rollin over a wagin wheel wen there's no fellers on the spokes. Finally he cum to, an we lifted him on the bed, an in a little while he felt like another person. Seward an Stantin looked skeert yet, but I telled them they needn't have no fears—that the Kernel was as sound as a dollar. Stantin said he'd hurt his spine in rollin Linkin; at eny rate, he puffed an blowed like a porpose. I telled him to go home an take some of Chase's "greenbacks" for a poultice, an ef that didn't cure him, then there warn't no virtue in "legal tenders." Seward sed, as I was sich a good doctor he'd like to know what was good for pizen. Wen he was a boy he sed he pizened one of his feet, an that it had allers trubbled him, more or less, ever sence. I telled him to get one of Sumner's speeches, an bind on the place, for there warn't enything like pizen to draw out pizen, and I thought Sumner's speeches would draw pizen out of ded men, and that I wondered the doctors hadn't got to usin them for bringin to life people who had killed themselves with laudalum, prussick acid, an sich things.
"So I telled Seward an' Stanten to take hold, and the way we rolled the Kernel over was a caushin."—Page 128.
As soon as the Kernel cum to, he begun to joke. Ses he, "Majer, do you know why you and Seward and Stantin rollin me on the floor were like men spredin hay in a meadow?" Ses I, "No, Kernel, I don't, unless the pitchen and rollin are a good deal alike." "No, no," ses he, "Majer, the reason is because it was done to cure me!" "Now," ses I, "Kernel, that is purty sharp, but do you know why your sickness is like the Union?" "No," ses he, "I don't see into that, unless it's because we're both haven a tough time of it." "No," ses I, "that ain't it." "Wal," ses he, "what is it?" "Wal," ses I, "because it has been takin the rong medicen!" Ses he, "How is that, Major? I don't understand you." "Wal," ses I, "it's jest here. You know that feller who does chores for you scraped the elder bark the wrong way, and wen you took it, it come nigh on to killin you. But I didn't know but what it was all rite, and so I give it to you. Now, jest so it's been ever sence you've been President. Seward's been the feller who has been scrapin the medicen for the Union, an he has scraped it all the rong way, an you've been giving it all the time without knowing it. You see, the hull country has got the gripes and the shakes, jest as you had a little while ago, and it all cum from Seward's rong kind of medicen. You see, Seward is tryin to make the people swallow the 'irrepressible conflict,' which is fixed about as follows:
| Higher Law | 2 oz. |
| Confiscation | 2 oz. |
| Taxation | 2 oz. |
| Justice | 0 oz. |
| Abolition | 8 oz. |
| (well mixed.)" | |
"Now, Kernel, such a dose as that would give any country a worse set of spasms and agers then were ever heard of before. Old John Dumbutter, the laziest man I ever knew in Maine, sed he once had the fever an ager in Mishegan so that it shook the buttons off his coat; but such medicen as Seward is givin the country now will shake even the tail fethers out of the grate American Eagle."