“‘Bedad,’ ses the King, ‘that was well sung, and we’ll have “The Bard of Armagh,” now, if you please. ’Twas my poor mother’s favourite song.’
“And when Cormac finished, the King shook hands with him and thanked him for his singing and in the same breath said ‘good-by’ as he was in a hurry to have him cooked for supper. Well, there wasn’t much of the fool about Cormac, so he up and ses to the King: ‘If I am causing your Majesty any inconvenience, I am sorry, but as one good turn deserves another, I think it is only fair to tell you that whoever eats even the smallest piece of myself, either raw or cooked, will immediately be turned into a tombstone like you’d see at Monasterboice. And after four-and-twenty hours, shamrocks will sprout on them, and then a great wind will spring up and scatter the leaves of the shamrock all over your territory, and whenever a leaf will fall on any of your subjects, they will be instantly turned into Irishmen, and then may the Lord have mercy on the foreigners.’
“‘Is it the truth you are telling, you foxy rascal?’ ses the King, and he looks very uneasy too.
“‘If you don’t believe me, why don’t you kill me and find out?’ ses Cormac. ‘I’m nearly tired of living anyway.’
“The King got the fright of his life when he heard what Cormac said, and never another word did he utter about the killing or the cooking either, but ses he, when he recovered: ‘Give us another song,’ ses he, and then and there Cormac started ‘Then You’ll Remember Me,’ and the King was so much impressed that he told Hamando to fetch some tea, biscuits, and missionary sandwiches, for he thought Cormac was looking fatigued. And when Cormac ate the biscuits, drank the tea, but refused the sandwiches, because it was Friday, he thanked the King for his thoughtfulness, and said that he was glad to see His Majesty upholding the true Christian principles by treating his enemies with such consideration. ‘Anyway,’ ses he, ‘’tis always good policy to be on friendly terms with your enemies, or those who are likely to become your enemies. But always beware of diplomats,’ ses he, ‘because diplomacy is only a wolf in sheep’s clothing.’
“‘That’s so,’ ses the King, as he sharpened a pencil and drew a map of his dominions. ‘Now,’ ses he, ‘I’m going to make you a little present,’ and there and then he cut off three-fourths of his country and gave it to Cormac. ‘You can plant a hedge of skeeory bushes to divide our lands, and I will now make you King of Montobewlo, in presence of Hamando and myself. And I’ll appoint you General Inspector of Cruelty to Animals, Children, and Insects besides. But,’ ses he, ‘it is absolutely necessary that you should become a real black man first, so you might as well strip off now, and have yourself washed in Injun ink, and you can send your old clothes to the King of Portugal, because he is out of a job at present, and it may be a long time before he gets one.’
“‘I’ll be only too pleased to send him my old clothes,’ ses Cormac, ‘because ’tis only right that kings should help each other, and have benefit societies like the bricklayers, and the market gardeners.’
“Well, when Cormac was washed in a tub of Injun ink, he was the purtiest-looking black man that ever was seen. And when his innumerable subjects saw his bulging muscles and red head, they were so impressed that some of them died of shock, but Cormac, like the decent man he was, had them all buried with military honours. His coronation was the grandest affair that ever was, and when the ceremony was all over, the King up and ses to him: ‘Cormac, King of Montobewlo,’ ses he, ‘how many wives do you want? Three hundred or three thousand?’
“‘Ten thousand thanks for your kind offer,’ ses Cormac, ‘but for the good of my nerves, and my people in general, I think I’ll remain a bachelor. Of course,’ ses he, ‘wives are only women anyway, and where there are women there is jealousy, and where there’s jealousy there is trouble. Women,’ ses he, ‘are all right to look at, but they are best when left alone. It will give me all I can do to look after the affairs of state, without bothering or trying to find out which of my wives might be telling the truth. But nevertheless,’ ses he, as he took a scissors and clipped several slips of his red locks, ‘you can distribute these among the ladies as a token of my regards and friendship. And now,’ ses he, ‘to show I harbour no ill feelings, if you want any more, I will be only too delighted to give what I can spare for planting on any of my subjects with bald heads.’
“And so the days and the years slipped away, until he got as fat as a cow in clover from eating whales, elephants, and cockroaches. Then great wisdom came upon him, and he up and ses to the King one day, after they searched the whole country for a Jew, and couldn’t find one, for they all emigrated to the United States to look after the Irish: ‘Economy,’ ses he, ‘is one of the fundamental principles of good government, and that being so, let us put it into practice. We are getting old,’ ses he, ‘and the missionaries come here no longer. And we have eaten all the produce of the land in the way of live stock, but nevertheless our subjects must be provided for. Now,’ ses he, ‘I propose that all over fifty years of age should be killed, boiled or roasted, as the case may be, according to law, for the maintenance, sustenance, and nourishment of the others. Anybody over fifty years, unless he be a policeman or a king, isn’t much good constitutionally or otherwise; and as all our subjects are the property of the government, there is no reason why we shouldn’t do what we like with them.’