“‘Wisha, I don’t believe a word of it,’ ses I. ‘People who have pluck enough to commit suicide usually have too much pride to boast of it beforehand.’
“‘Well, you can’t boast or talk of it afterwards,’ ses he.
“‘That’s true, too,’ ses I. ‘But when is the event going to come off?’
“‘I can’t say for certain,’ ses he. ‘But ‘twill be as soon as ever I can make up my mind whether New York or Boston would be the best place for me to end my days, and maybe ’tis yourself that could give advice, and tell me what to do.’
“‘Bedad,’ ses I, ‘giving advice is oftentimes as foolish as taking it. However, that’s too weighty a problem for a poor man like myself. You must consult some one with more sense. But if I were you, I’d see the King of Spain himself about the matter. He is the one man who I think can help you.’
“‘That’s a great idea,’ ses he. And with that he bid me ‘Good day,’ and on the morrow he set sail in a full-rigged ship for the sunny land of Spain. And when he reached the Royal Palace, and rang the bell, the King himself opened the door, and he dressed in a smoking cap, and puffing away from a clay pipe that his mother brought from Bantry when she was there for the good of her manners. And before he asked Matty who he was, how he was, or what he wanted, he up and ses: ‘Have you a match?’ ses he.
“‘To be sure I have a match,’ ses Matty. And there and then, he struck a match on the heel of his shoe and lit the King’s pipe. And when the King thanked him for his kindness, and complimented him on his skill, then ses he: ‘Who the blazes are you anyway to disturb a decent man after a hard day’s work? I ate no less than five dinners this blessed day and as many more breakfasts, not to mention all the tobacco that I smoked besides, since I got out of bed this morning.’
“‘Oh,’ ses Matty, ‘I am one Matty the Goat. My father kept a tailor’s shop at the corner of a street in Ballydineen; I have two brothers policemen in the great United States of America; I have a first cousin married to a schoolmaster in the north of Antrim; five of my ancestors died from the whooping cough, and one of my grandaunts fell down-stairs and broke her neck; my—’
“‘Enough!’ ses the King. ‘Wait there till I get my autograph book.’ And with that he ran up-stairs, and when he came back he handed Matty a mighty book all bound in green plush and ses: ‘Matty of Ballydineen,’ ses he, ‘put your name down there beside the names of the Emperor of Japan and the King of the Killavullen Islands.’
“And when his name was written, the King rang for the Queen and all the children, and in a twinkling they appeared, and they dressed as well as any of the young ladies you’d see selling knick-knacks behind a counter in one of the shops of the big cities. And as they gathered around the King, he up and ses with a solemn voice: ‘Ladies and gentlemen,’ ses he, ‘allow me to have the pleasure of presenting to you a member of the Ballydineen aristocracy, one Matty the Goat.’ And when the ceremony of introduction was all over, he sent them up-stairs to get their autograph books, so that Matty could contribute his signature to the long list of celebrities and distinguished personages. The Queen herself was delighted with him entirely, and the King invited him to his private room. And when they were comfortably seated before a good warm fire, he up and ses: ‘What in the name of all the cockroaches in Carrigmacross brought you here, anyway?’