“Now,” said Micus, “if Cormac McShane was a wise man, Garret Doran was another.”
“How so?” said Padna. “Was it the way he always kept his mouth shut until he had something to say?”
“Not exactly,” said Micus. “But he could do that too, when it pleased him. Garret was a miller, who kept a mill near the courthouse, so one day when the famous judge, Patcheen the Piper, as he was called, was sitting on the Bench, passing sentence on a batch of patriots who were to be hanged, drawn, and quartered, for no other offence than loving a country that never did anything for them better than they loved themselves, a great noise was heard, and the Judge was so annoyed at being disturbed that he stopped short in the middle of the death sentence and ses, at the top of his voice:
“‘What hullaballoo is that I hear? And who dares make any noise at all, and interfere with my amusement?’ ses he. ‘If I will hear another sound, I’ll order every one within a radius of five miles to be boiled in turpentine, and sealed up in tin cans, and have them shipped to the King of the Cannibal Islands, as a Christmas box from the people of generous Ireland,’ ses he.
“‘Oh,’ ses the Crown Solicitor, ‘that’s only Garret Doran’s mill grinding corn for the poor people.’
“‘The poor people!’ ses the Judge in a rage. ‘Who the devil cares a traneen about the poor but the politicians when they want to get their votes, the kings and emperors when they want them to go to the wars, or the clergy when they are preaching charity sermons for the benefit of the inhabitants of Central Africa? And who will deny that those cannibals wouldn’t be better off if they were left alone? Nevertheless, ’tis only fair to state that they have just as much appreciation of decency and kindness as the best of ourselves. But be all that as it may, go and tell Garret Doran to stop his mill at once, and if he don’t obey your orders, bring him here before me, and I’ll order him to be hanged with these poor fools of patriots who have done less to annoy me than he has. And hanging patriots, if you haven’t a conscience, is as good a way of making a living, as starving your employees to death, like some of the pious-faced rascals who have the impudence to invite myself to dine with them. Not indeed, that the likes of me wants a dinner or a meal of food from any one. The poor, who can’t afford a square meal more than once in the year, are never invited to partake of the hospitality of those who give dinners to those who don’t need them. But why should I bother about anything in a world like this, where everything is in such a hopeless state of confusion? Howsomever, a judge, like a lawyer, has to live down to the dignity of his profession, and unless he hangs a man now and again, the Government might think he had no interest in his job at all.
“‘Of course,’ ses he, ‘when we think of the number of useless and troublesome people in the world and the few who find their way to the gallows, we should not worry about them, unless they might happen to be some relation of our own. The only time we really take an interest in other people’s troubles is when such troubles affect ourselves. Nevertheless,’ ses he, ‘this is a rather lengthy digression, so be off with yourself at once to Garret Doran, and tell him his mill must be stopped this very instant.’
“Well, the Crown Solicitor went to Garret and told him what the Judge had said, and Garret ordered the mill to be stopped, and the Judge received no further trouble from Garret or his mill while the trial lasted. And when the Assizes were over, the Judge went away, and he didn’t return again for five years. But when he was sitting on the Bench again for himself, passing sentence of death on more patriots, who should walk up to him but Garret himself, and he dressed in his Sunday clothes? And without as much as saying: ‘Good-morrow, how are you,’ or ‘Go to the devil inself,’ he up and hands him a large sealed envelope. And when Patcheen the Piper opened and read the note it contained, his face turned scarlet, and he jumped up from his throne of plush and gold trimmings, and ses: ‘What the blue blazes is the meaning of all this?’ ses he.
“‘Don’t get excited, whatever you’ll do,’ ses Garret. ‘’Tis nothing more nor less than a bill for the expenses incurred by closing down my mill at your instigation some five years ago.’
“For a while the Judge said nothing at all, but kept looking hard at Garret, and then all of a sudden ses he: ‘Why, in the name of all the descendants of Julius Cæsar and Brian Boru in America, didn’t you start the mill going after I left the city?’