Therefore God says to the sinner, "Make your resolution in honesty of purpose; commit it to Me; do the best you can; above all things never violate your own conscience; and under no circumstances try to estimate your progress. If you should see that you had advanced, pride and presumption would arise to imperil you; if you could see no progress, the temptation to despair might unnerve you. Commit your ways unto Me; that will bring a man peace at the last."
V. The Gainsaying of Satan
We have said that the true test of penitence is amendment of life. We can hardly read this sentence without being conscious of temptation, for it is here that Satan brings in one of his most subtle suggestions. We can hear him taunting the soul: "Is this all you have to depend on for your hope of salvation? Have you ever really amended your life?"
And then with that mysterious power that God has given him for the trial of the Saints, and which he uses so pitilessly, he flashes upon the mirror of the mind old sins, sins of long ago, of which we repented in bitterness and tears, it may be; but which we took again to our hearts time after time. We made our Confession, we said to God in the presence of His priest (for he could not have absolved us without this), "I firmly purpose amendment." Then we went away and sinned again and yet again. After a time we came back to Confession. The same acknowledgment, the same promise,—and then the same old sin again.
Thus has life gone on, year after year, and yet we dare to look to God to take us back to our old allegiance. Satan tells us all this; and it loses nothing in the telling. It is very terrible, and the soul shrinks back appalled.
Then swift as thought the voice of the tempter comes again: "What is the use? You will sin again; why not give it all up?" Many a soul has followed his counsel to its eternal loss. It sounded plausible. It seemed to fit exactly into our own experience; and yet it was a lie.
It was a lie because in all that he said the tempter was deceiving us as to the true meaning of amendment. Satan's knowledge of what perfection is, is a very strange and wonderful thing. An angel from heaven could not set up a higher standard than he is able to do when he is seeking to discourage a struggling soul. Amendment does not mean perfection of life; it does not mean never committing some particular sin again. This was not what we resolved; it was not what we told God we purposed doing. What amendment does mean is, "to change for the better."[[14]] This is to be the spirit and resolution with which we return from the captivity of sin. It is all God asks.
But the tempter is not yet vanquished. Quick comes the whisper in the soul,—"Have you done even this? Has there been a change in your life for the better? Have you any assurance that your life is in the smallest degree better than it was a year ago?"
Staggering questions these, to the soul that is ignorant; but the soul that is wise, the soul that is really under the guidance of the Holy Spirit, has its answer ready.
"I do not know whether I have done this or not. I know not if my life is changed for the better, or if I am living more as Christ would have me live than I did a year ago. Moreover, I am not concerned to give you, God's enemy and mine, any answer to these questions. I have no account to render to you. But one thing I know; when I sin I can come back to Him. I kneel at His feet, I put my hands in His, I look up into those eyes brimming with love, and I say, 'Dear Lord, here is my poor heart all full of sin again; I lay it at Thy feet. Wash it in Thy Precious Blood, and make me strong to serve Thee better. I am sorry and I purpose to amend, but I am weak. Be Thou my strength; fight Thou against them that fight against me, and let me be the victor in the end.' I speak thus to Him, and leave it all with Him. I sin again, and again I come and kneel at His feet; and though I have to come daily to Him with the same burden, His embrace is never less tender, His words not less sweet, His eyes are ever full of the same old love.