I felt as if I were on the brink of two madnesses—the madness of breaking my marriage vows and the madness of breaking the heart of the man who loved me.
"Oh, what can I do?" I asked myself again.
I wanted him to go; I wanted him to stay; I did not know what I wanted. At length I remembered that in ordinary course he would be going in two days more, and I said to myself:
"Surely I can hold out that long."
But when I put this thought to my breast, thinking it would comfort me, I found that it burnt like hot iron.
Only two days, and then he would be gone, lost to me perhaps for ever. Did my renunciation require that? It was terrible!
There was a piano in the room, and to strengthen and console myself in my trouble I sat down to it and played and sang. I sang "Ave Maria Stella."
I was singing to myself, so I know I began softly—so softly that my voice must have been a whisper scarcely audible outside the room—
"Hail thou star of ocean,
Portal of the sky."
But my heart was full and when I came to the verses which always moved me most—