One day a water party was talked of, and no sooner proposed than put into execution. A boat was procured and rowers selected—the rest of the party being armed with fowling pieces for the destruction of gulls and carrion crows, or such other birds as might chance to cross us during our acquatic excursion on the river Colne. The boat being put in motion, after an hour's hard pull, the river became considerably wider, the tide was on the ebb, the weather propitious, and so much way made, that we resolved to obtain a glimpse of the sea, which soon being accomplished, we pulled in shore, made good our landing, and selected the most rural spot to partake of those viands prepared for the occasion, which, being spread out on nature's green carpet, were speedily devoured by eight hungry young officers, and every bottle of wine and brown stout emptied to the very dregs. The party, full of hilarity, then returned to their slender bark; but great was our surprise to find it high and dry, the tide nearly out, and only a narrow stream remaining of the spacious Colne water we had quitted a few hours before. A launch being necessary, our jackets and caps were hurled into the boat, and, by the most strenuous exertions, it was shoved through the mud, and again afloat; then rapidly plying our oars, we made some progress, notwithstanding that the tide was still running out; when at length the water entirely failed, leaving us aground, amid channel, with extensive banks of mud rising to a considerable height on each side of us,—the sight of which afforded much mirth at the idea of our having rowed during high tide over hill and dale; so much for our geographical knowledge and nautical skill! While in this plight, one of the party was in the act of divesting himself of superfluous dress, and tying the articles into a bundle, pleading in excuse that an appointment with a fair damsel obliged him to land. A noisy debate ensued amongst us: by way of intimidating him at the same time, a threat was added, that should he attempt to desert, some small shot should be discharged at him. While we were loading the guns, he sprang from the bark and scrambled some yards, assailed by the vociferations of the party; but, before he had reached the prescribed distance, twenty yards, his situation became most alarming: every succeeding step, he sank deeper into the mire; and he was now up to his middle, calling out for help, forty yards from us, and one hundred from the shore. To return was impossible,—the fowling pieces dropped from our hands, as we watched his motions in fearful anxiety, every instant expecting to see him disappear. Despair gave him strength and perseverance: but he became a mass of mud, and his features were no longer distinguishable. I can truly assert, that at no period of my life did I ever feel stronger feelings of commiseration; a hundred weight seemed at my chest. In this way he continued his exertions, and, from time to time, while resting, it could scarcely be ascertained whether he was not gone altogether, so identified was he with the mud. Again he moved, and at the expiration of half an hour's toil, he emerged from his miry bed, presenting the appearance of an alligator, after a wallowing immersion, more than any thing else! As he reached the shore, the most unbounded expressions of joy on our part hailed his deliverance from his perilous situation. Then, spreading out his bundle of garments in a very dirty state, he put them on, waved his hand, and speedily vanished from our view—whilst we, less adventurous, or not being so particularly engaged on that evening, were left shivering and lightly clothed, until some time after dark, when we had sufficient depth of water to enable us to steer our course. When at length in motion, the wind being astern, the only cloak amongst us was hoisted by way of a sail, but it was long after midnight before we reached the place from whence we had started.
About this time (June 1, 1811), three hundred and twenty men of the second battalion, with a proportionate number of officers, were ordered to proceed to Portsmouth for embarkation to join the first battalion in Portugal. On the morning of their departure the bugles sounded the march. My mortification was extreme, for positively the last officer was selected to accompany them, and two of my seniors stood by my side, who of course had a prior claim to mine, and who could not succeed in obtaining permission to go; so that all hope for me seemed now entirely to vanish, and we were obliged to content ourselves by accompanying them a short way on the road, until their first halt,—the merry notes of the horns striking up "over the hills and far away," the signal for wives to be torn from their husbands, children from their fathers, friends from their companions,—many bidding a long and last farewell. The detachment followed the broad path of their profession, while we, through dire necessity, took that which led to peace and pasturage amongst the Essex graziers; but no sooner had we reached our quiet quarters, than another consultation took place, between Lieutenants the Honourable Charles Gore, Wilkinson, and myself, wherein we pledged ourselves, that the trio should not be separated for individual interest, (and, as I was the junior officer, that point was of consequence to me); then hastening to the house of the senior officer, we assailed him ensemble by entreaties and arguments, until, finding we were bent on carrying our point, he consented to forward a memorial to the Duke of York, penned by us, which he signed. That done, we ran down to the post office, popped it into the box, and by return of post a favourable answer was given. What a moment! Gore and myself rubbed our hands and the little corporal Wilky (for that rank he had borne at the Military College at Marlow, and still continued the title), fell on his knees and returned thanks to Heaven, for his good fortune. Our heavy baggage was crammed into the store, and ourselves, with light hearts, that evening proceeded to London.
Notwithstanding the usual hurry and preparation when going on foreign service, I managed to find my way to Wimbledon Common, where, I heard, a grand review was to take place on the 10th of June of the household cavalry, a brigade of hussars, commanded by Lord Paget, (now Marquis of Anglesea), a brigade of the foot guards, a battalion of foot artillery, wearing cross belts and white pouches, armed with muskets, and a multitude of volunteers, besides a proportionable train of artillery. When the Prince Regent rode down the line, I was much struck at the Duke of York's preceding him, dismounting in front of the two regiments of foot guards, and standing with his sword across his body, while his royal brother passed. This was an excellent example of discipline, so like the prince, the soldier, and the gentleman.
The next day, leaving the metropolis, we arrived at the place of embarkation, and so managed as to meet the detachment about the same distance from Portsmouth, that we had left them on the road from Colchester; being not a little anxious to observe the astonishment that our unexpected reappearance would create amongst them.
My friend instantly ran towards me and expressed the happiness he felt at meeting me in such a way; and, almost in the same breath, said, "Oh! we have had such fun this morning!" On leaving Chichester at the break of day, the head of the column had been thrown into the greatest confusion by the assistant surgeon; "Halt! halt!" cried he, "stop, pray stop; you are trampling on my teeth," at the same moment throwing himself on the ground, and groping in the dust for four artificial teeth that had dropped from his mouth. The officers and soldiers were confounded at his exclamations, while the wondering circle encompassed him in mute expectation. At length, having put several questions, to which they only obtained confused and unintelligible answers, an officer ordered the men to proceed; and several voices, joining in chorus, exclaimed:—"Why, he's mad; the doctor's intellects are impaired;"—for they did not fully comprehend his real loss, owing to his wild incoherent and extraordinary gesticulations—nor did he overtake the party or make his reappearance until they had halted at the half-way house, where he found them seated round a smoking tea urn, hot muffins, toast, chickens, ham, and all those little delicacies so tempting after an early walk to those possessing youth, health, and good grinders. The woe-begone countenance of the doctor, on his entering the room, caused a momentary commiseration; but no sooner did he open his mouth, and display the vacant orifice, which no longer left any doubt of the nature of the loss he had sustained, than bursts of merriment, and noisy pity, were the only consolation the unlucky and crest-fallen medico received—who merely vented his wrath in broken monosyllables, no longer daring to trust his mouth with a laugh.
The Monarch transport of three masts, and of considerable tonnage, was lying at anchor at Spithead for our reception. Nearly the whole of us being embarked, and the Blue Peter flying at the mast head on the 18th, there was a sufficient warning to the few left on shore to hasten on board. The sails being hoisted, and spreading their white bosoms to the gale, we cut through the water, with a spanking breeze, cleared the Needles, and, steering a prosperous course, in three days were brought into the Bay of Biscay. The wind howled, the vessel heaved and cracked, one instant on high, and the next moment hurried downwards as if about to be ingulphed and buried in the mighty waters; the huge waves lashed and beat against her sides with foaming violence, whilst every loose article rattled about the cabin; the strife of pots and kettles being only interrupted by the smashing of cups and saucers, and other brittle utensils. During this combination of sounds I lay in my berth, with a wash-hand basin betwixt my legs, ready at a moment's warning, and with my eyes, half-closed, fixed on a solitary candle, sliding to and fro on the table, and threatening to extinguish itself into one of the lower berths. Thus stretched out, and sinking into a disturbed and feverish slumber, I soon again awoke with my tongue parched, a horrible taste in my mouth, and my lips glewed together, counting the tedious hours of the coming morn, till I should be enabled to procure a refreshing glass of water. At last the happy moment arrived, my trembling hand was put forth to grasp the liquid stream—my mouth opened—but my nose gave warning of that which smelt and tasted like the Harrowgate Spa, and was any thing but aqua pura. The next evening I made an effort to gain my sea legs, crept out of the cabin, mounted on the deck, and slipped and staggered towards a poultry-coop, on which I sank in a reclining position, to inhale the freshness of the air. The dark and broad clouds flitted past, and at intervals veiled the moon, which seemed flying away in the opposite direction, and smiling in derision at our clumsy progress, (with double reefed topsails,) over the troubled waves. Perpetual motion seemed at last accomplished, as the bows and stern of the vessels rose alternately, and in rapid succession. In the morning a thick haze hung over the atmosphere, through which we could discern the outlines of the ponderous mountains of Spain, rising one above the other, until their gloomy shadows were lost to view in the interior.
On the tenth morning, with a gentle breeze, and spotless sky, we glided along the rugged coast of Portugal, and observed a number of barks making towards us, decorated with white flapping sails, and filled with swarthy raggamuffin pilots, who were hallooing, pulling, and hauling at each other in a confused way, which gave the frail bark the appearance of being about to overturn keel uppermost, and leave its brown visaged cocked-hatted navigators floundering and splashing for their existence in the briny waves of the dark blue ocean. Shortly afterwards we entered the sparkling waters of the Tagus, skirted by purple-capt mountains, curling vines, fragrant orange groves, and a white city, reflected in its glassy waters, canopied by an azure sky, a golden sun, and a genial atmosphere. We dropped our anchor within a short distance of Lisbon.
The following day, the 28th, we landed, and the soldiers took up their quarters at the Convento di Carmo. The interior of the city by no means corresponds with the exterior, as viewed at a distance, owing to the general narrowness of the streets that are choked up in some places with heaps of filth, continually stirred up, and eagerly devoured by packs of prowling and half-famished dogs.
Towards evening a small piece of paper was handed to myself and friend, with the name of a Portuguese inserted, at whose house we were to be quartered. Having made the necessary inquiries of a bragging native, he pointed out to us the direction we ought to take, and also made motions, by way of intimating to us our good fortune in having so spacious an abode for our accommodation. Having traversed over a great portion of the town, in search of our billet, we at length came to a large gloomy-looking mansion, the door of which we found open, and ascended a dirty stone stair case, where at each landing-place we found ponderous doors: but it was in vain we kicked, thumped, and called; the echo of our own voices was the only answer returned.
Night coming on, we again sallied forth into the streets, and, while passing near a church, we met a procession following a deceased nobleman for interment. Large wax tapers being offered to us, about four feet long, and thick in proportion, we each grasped one, and entered the church with others. The lid of the coffin being removed, we beheld the pale corpse attired in a magnificent satin dress, and mantle superbly embroidered with gold: the pantaloons were of white silk, and full satin rosettes were attached to the velvet shoes. A full-dress court sword lay by his side, and a black hat of velvet, with a nodding plume of ostrich feathers, looped up with a brilliant stone, rested at the head of the coffin. His costume, in short, was similar to that worn by Don Juan on our own stage. The ceremony being concluded, a man stepped forward with a basket filled with quick lime, which he threw on the dead body in the presence of the spectators: that done, all the by-standers instantly retired, and gave up their tapers to persons waiting to receive them at the church door.