The present peer was called to the Irish bar.—Most men are found to have some predominant quality when it is properly drawn forth; but, in sending Mr. Trench to the bar, his friends found (after a due noviciate) that they were endeavouring to extract the wrong commodity, and that his law would never furnish sufficient stuffing to keep emptiness out of his pocket. During the rebellion, however, I discovered that he was a most excellent serjeant of dragoons, in which capacity his lordship did me the honour of being my subaltern in the barristers’ cavalry; and I have the satisfaction of reflecting, that a considerable portion of our rank and file were, in a very short time after the Union, metamorphosed into ambassadors, secretaries, judges, noblemen, bishops, and ministers!—What a loss must the empire therefore have sustained, if we had been all piked by the rebels! a result not very improbable, as I am apprehensive we should have proved rather helpless fellows in a general engagement with 20 or 30,000 of those desperate gentry! in which case, the whole kingdom of Ireland would have been left with scarcely sufficient professors of the art of litigation to keep that science (as well as the church and state) in preservation till new lawyers could be broken into harness.
Curran took no part in those fierce military associations, and he was quite right. He was perfectly unadapted either to command or to obey; and as he must have done the one or the other, he managed much better by keeping out of the broil altogether;—as he himself said to me—“If I were mounted on ever so good a charger, it is probable I should not stick ten minutes on his back in any kind of battle: and if my sword was ever so sharp, I should not be able to cut a rebel’s head off, unless he promised to ‘stand easy’ and in a good position for me.”
Curran had ordered a new bar wig, and not liking the cut of it, he jestingly said to the peruke-maker, “Mr. Gahan, this wig will not answer me at all!”
“How so, sir?” said Gahan: “it seems to fit, and covers your ears extremely well.”
“Ay,” replied Curran, “but it is the very worst speaking wig I ever had. I can scarce utter one word of common law in it; and as for equity, it is totally out of the question.”
“Well, sir,” said Mr. Gahan, the wig-maker, with a serious face, “I hope it may be no loss to me. I dare say it will answer Counsellor Trench.”
But Counsellor Trench would not take the wig. He said, though it did not impede his speech, he could not hear a word in it. At length, it was sent by Gahan to Mr. Vesey Fitzgerald, who, having at that time no pressing occasion for either a speaking or hearing wig (in a professional way), and the wig fitting his head, he purchased it from Mr. Gahan, who sold it a bargain, on account of its bad character;—though Curran afterwards said, “he admitted that the wig had been grossly calumniated; for the very same head which Mr. Vesey Fitzgerald then put it on was afterward fixed up at the front of the Irish exchequer, where every one of the king’s debtors and farmers were obliged to pay the wig-wearer some very handsome and substantial compliment!—the said wearer not being necessitated either to hear or speak one word upon the occasion.”
Chief Justice Carleton was a very languishing personage. He never ceased complaining of his bad state of health, and frequently introduced Lady Carleton into his “Book of Lamentations:” thence it was remarked by Curran to be very extraordinary, that the chief justice should appear as plaintiff (plaintive) in every cause that happened to come before him!
One Nisi Prius day, Lord Carleton came into court, looking unusually gloomy. He apologised to the bar for being necessitated to adjourn the court and dismiss the jury for that day; “though,” proceeded his lordship, “I am aware that an important issue stands for trial: but, the fact is, I have met with a domestic misfortune, which has altogether deranged my nerves!—Poor Lady Carleton (in a low tone to the bar) has most unfortunately miscarried, and——”
“Oh, then, my Lord!” exclaimed Curran, “there was no necessity for your lordship to make any apology; it now appears that your lordship has no issue to try.”