Of such a description was the family that paid us this unwelcome visit, demonstrating thereby the uncertainty of all sublunary expectations. The fact was, that the lady, with ten of her childer, had been wallowing in the quagmire by the side of our parlour-window, which we had opened to give a part of the captive smoke an opportunity of escaping—but which at the same time let out the savoury perfume of our repast; this entering piggy’s sensitive nostrils, she was roused to action, and, grunting to her family as a trumpeter sounds “to horse,” they made their way to the well-known door of the little paved parlour, which finding closed (a very unusual circumstance), madam’s temper was somewhat ruffled, and the catastrophe ensued. Ceremony from a sow, under such circumstances, could not be reasonably looked for, and any delay in disposing of our luxuries was still less to be expected. In her haste to accomplish that achievement, she had on gaining admittance run between the legs of Counsellor Thomas Moore, and, as on an inclined plane, she first raised, then deposited him upon the pavement; and leaving him to the discretion of her piggin riggins, changed her own course to our breakfast-table, which having duly overset, the whole was at her mercy—of which, however, she showed none;—the toast, the bread, the eggs—in short, every thing, disappearing in marvellous quick time.
The two counsellors, from their elevated position, beheld the destruction of all these comforts, and congratulated themselves on the good luck of being personally out of danger: but here also we “reckoned without our host:” we entertained no doubt of madam sow’s peaceable departure, and did not wish to expose ourselves to the ridicule of being discovered perched upon a chest of drawers. One of the piggins, however, not content with the prey he had already got, in roaming about for more, and unaccustomed to boiling water, happened to overset the large saucepan which was steaming upon the hob, and which descended full on his unseasoned hide. Hereupon, feeling his tender bristles getting loose, and at the first scratch coming away with a due quantity of scarf-skin to keep them together, he set up the most dreadful cries I ever heard, even from the most obstinate of his race when the butcher was taking the preliminary steps towards manufacturing corned pork—that comrade of pease-pudding, and glory of the British navy!
The mamma of course attributed the cries of her darling to some torture inflicted by the Christians upon the drawers; to the foot of which she therefore trotted, and with deep and loud grunts looked up at us, opening her wide jaws, and seeming to say, “I wish I had you both down here, and my dear little piggin riggins should soon be revenged for your cruelty!” I thought that, once or twice, she appeared disposed to try if she could balance her body on her hind-legs and rear up against the chest of drawers; in which case, even if her jaws did not clearly take hold of us, the strong iron hook in her nose would be sure to catch and hawl down one or other by the leg—as, if once hooked, it would only be a trial of strength between the sow’s snout and the tendon Achilles of either counsellor. We could not kick at her for fear of the same hook; so we kept dancing and stamping, to try if that would deter her. But she was too much bent on mischief to care for our defensive operations; and we were ultimately obliged to resort to that step generally taken by people when they find themselves failing in point of fortitude, and manfully cried out—“Murder! murder!” But as no one came, Moore said they were so used to that cry in Ballinrobe (and particularly in the “little paved parlour”), that the people never minded it; so we changed our tone, and roared “Fire! fire!”
In a second the entire population of the house was in the room, when an éclaircissement took place. Still, however, the lady would not beat a retreat:—sticks, flails, handles of rakes, and pitchforks, belaboured her in vain; she minded them no more than straws. At length, they seized hold of her tail:—this action seemed to make her imagine that it was desired to detain her in the room; upon which, that spirit of contradiction inherent in more animals than one, determined her to go out. She accordingly rushed off, followed by the whole brood, and we saw no more of her or her hopeful family.
After they were gone, it took Mr. Martin above five minutes to lavish on the sow and piggin riggins every imprecation his vocabulary could furnish; and he concluded thus:—“Ough! May the curse of Crummell light on yee, for a greedy owld sow as you are! yee need not have taken such trouble to cater for your childer. If they had just peeped up the chimney, they’d have seen their father as well dried and smoked as any boar that ever was kilt in Ballinrobe these two years, any how; and by my sowl I expect to have six of the childer along with him by next Michaelmas, at latest.”
All being now arranged, we begged Mr. Martin to replenish our board as quickly as possible. Daniel, however, looked grave and chop-fallen, and in two monosyllables apprised us of the extent of our misfortunes. “I can’t,” said he.
“Why?” we both asked in a breath.
“Oh, holy poker!” exclaimed Mr. Dan Martin, “what shall I do to feed yee, counsellors dear! By my sowl, Sir Neil will skiver me! Devil a bit or sup more I have in this same house. Arrah! Mary! Mary!”
“What’s that, avourneen?” said Mary, entering.
“What have you in the house, Mary?” demanded the landlord.