I could not procure good bread; old bread, partly spoiled, was purchased for the prisoners, which cost 12 per cent. less than the ordinary bread. Though the government had confiscated 8,000 crowns belonging to me, it only allowed me half-a-crown a day for my subsistence.
A battalion of the Delmenhorst regiment was in garrison at Trondhjem; I had served in this regiment, and found at Munkholm soldiers of a company I had formerly commanded. They formed a plan for carrying me off and deserting, but not having been able to communicate their plan to me, they deserted without me, and tried to reach Sweden overland; a detachment, sent in pursuit, caught them and brought them back.
The solders, generally, were in a profound state of wretchedness and demoralisation; the spirits and herrings on which they lived diffused a frightful stench, and I had a difficulty in protecting myself against their uncleanliness.
Everything here depended on Lieut.-General von der Osten, grand bailiff and governor of Trondhjem: he was said to be fond of presents, and did not hesitate to ask them, and I had none to offer him. The commandant of Munkholm, on my arrival, had been a servant and woodcutter to a Copenhagen tradesman. He was first a gunner, then non-commissioned officer in the militia, afterwards a spy, captain of a company of guides, inspector of an hospital, and, lastly, commandant of Munkholm. This man, who was extremely brutal and coarse, was frequently intoxicated; he called himself an atheist, believed himself an engineer, astronomer, tactician, and decided on everything without allowing an answer; he declaimed a great deal, though I could not learn why, against Counts von Bernstorff and St. Germain.
A poor author, a very pious man, who was placed here because he had the simplicity to believe in the freedom of the press, had become, on account of his devotion, odious to the commandant, who used to beat him. He also treated very badly another person who had held a post at court, although the latter made him presents.
The other officers were given up to the most disgusting intoxication.
I took great care to avoid these gentlemen, and only spoke to them when I could not help it. I do not believe it would have been very difficult for me to escape from this fortress, and, perhaps, Guldberg offered me the means by proposing to me a retreat at Vardohuus,[33] under the polar circle. But, I said to myself, what should I go so far to seek? more injustice and persecution!
What had been done to me gave me a sort of disgust for human society. I had wished to render myself illustrious by arms—the perusal of the lives of celebrated warriors had inflamed my imagination at an early age. I aspired to become one day the rival of the Löwendahls and the Münnichs. My studies, my reflections, were all directed to this object. On emerging from childhood I took up arms and sought combats—I followed this career successfully. I was summoned to aid in the reformation of my country and the amelioration of its condition. I quit with regret the mode of life I had chosen and loved; I arrive, I consecrate my efforts, all my thoughts to this new task, and persecution, exile and contumely are my reward! No, I will not take a single step to return to society; I was never a man of pleasures, though not at all insensible to the enjoyments designated by that name; I shall, doubtless, learn to forget them. Society has rejected me; they refuse to allow me any part in its joys and honours, and I have been relegated to this rock. Well, then, let us perform our task apart, let us work to render this state supportable, and to depend on others as little as possible.
I daily confirmed myself in these thoughts—a favourite and habitual subject of my reveries—and this has decided the rest of my life.
I should be satisfied if I had a healthy lodging, good water, and if I were not obliged to speak to the people who surround me.