Now I confess that my own plans were a little vague. So weary had I become of the Underworld that I did not particularly care if I should be "turned over" in the next engagement; however, I still had some principles and did not hesitate to antagonize the generals not only by rejecting the assault on the infants, but by vetoing other projects, such as the one calling for a Subterrain of unprecedented power, which would shatter the roof above the capital of Zu, burying the city and all its people amid the ruins.
Not quite realizing how the disgruntled generals were to conspire against me in secret, I set out on a "scootscoot" in the midst of an army of a hundred thousand picked soldiers, who, with their three-pointed helmets gleaming savagely while they marched with their peculiar prancing movement, made a resplendent and magnificent display. As we proceeded along the main avenues and galleries, the people came out to greet us with drums and banners, while they were shouting exultantly, "Have a successful turnover! A successful turnover! A successful turnover!" And the waving of banners, the stamping of feet, the discharging of toy explosives, and the glances of admiring eyes were such as to make the heart rejoice, in haughty contempt of any minor incident, such as a "turnover."
Owing to the torrential applause, my advance was greatly retarded and several "wakes" were consumed in the march to the "depths," as the natives termed the battle front. And, during the interval, tremendous changes were afoot. We caught intimations of these in the bulletins from Zu, which stated that the enemy, terrified at reports of my approach, were already thinking of retiring from the "top-line depths." Due to the happy intervention of our Bureau of Public Delirium (otherwise known as the "Propaganda Office") our spies in Zu had spread alarming reports as to the new Dictator of Wu; I was represented as a giant eight feet tall, who, thanks to his amber glasses, had a supernatural faculty of seeing close at hand, and was therefore irresistible in battle. The people of Zu—who, it appeared, had been as well-trained in thoughtlessness as their rivals in Wu—had been greatly impressed by such reports, which they never thought of questioning, particularly as the stories were circulated by those leading papers, the Fizz and the Pratler; and the consequence was that a wave of fear was shooting through the country.
To this day I am not certain just what changes occurred in that disturbed land. Our own papers, of course, were scrupulously unreliable, since a biased attitude was regarded as a patriotic duty; nevertheless, I knew that there must be some kernel of truth amid all the multitudes of rumors. Stories of riots and insurrections; stories of anti-war demonstrations; stories of the citizens' open refusal to go forth and be "turned over"; stories of a rebellion of the Third Class against the First and Second—all these came to us in such a continual stream that it was clear that something highly significant was developing.
Yet I was little prepared for the sequel when, on the fourth "wake" since my departure for the "depths," we reached the actual war area. I recognized the region easily enough, by the tremendous chasms, such as the one which Clay and I had observed on our arrival in Wu; besides, I could read everywhere the effects of warfare in the torn and broken galleries, the corridors with walls blown out and with ceilings sagging or fallen, the rutted and broken roads, threaded with deep gullies, and the general effect of blackness and devastation, which had blotted out every sign of human life.
Now it was that I began to look eagerly for the enemy, who were rumored to be in hiding hereabouts. My scouts pushed on ahead, being told to report any sign of hostile activity; while I, pitching camp in the wilderness at one corner of Nullnull, impatiently awaited that engagement which would either "turn me over" or make my reputation forever as the savior of Wu.
But once more I was to be disappointed. It has been regarded as one of the first principles of warfare, in all lands and ages, that, in order to fight, one must have an enemy—and, in this case, where was the enemy? Alas!—he could not be found! Had he undertaken a "strategical retreat"? This seemed quite possible, for nowhere amid all that ravaged land could we catch sight of a warrior of Zu. It now appeared that we could take all Nullnull without any loss of life; but this, being against all established precedents, which required a large "turnover," would have gained me no glory. Hence I could do nothing but wait, hoping that the men of Zu would be so obliging as to show themselves as targets; and, while I waited, several more "wakes" dragged past, and I was told that my own people were beginning to grumble at my want of action and were demanding more definite "results."
I was on the point of marching on, although much against my better judgment (for I feared a trap), when one "wake" a courier dashed into camp, breathless with haste, and demanded to see me at once. At first the man was so agitated that his face, instead of being chalky-pale, was flushed a deep scarlet; and, upon being ushered into my presence, he was unable to do more than gasp out a few meaningless monosyllables.
"Your Excellency—Excellency," he panted, when, having made deep obeisance, he stood before my chair, streaming with perspiration. "Your Excellency, I—I have just come from Zu!"