It was idle to excuse herself when God was omniscient.
"I didn't realize what I was doing." (God must know that she was speaking the truth now.) "He never missed an opportunity of hurting me—quite unfairly; I've nothing to be ashamed of before I met him. I made up my mind to shew him I wasn't quite as bad as he thought. He . . . fell in love with me and wanted to marry me.… I was taken by surprise … mad.… I didn't know what I was saying, I told him I couldn't marry any one who wasn't a Catholic.…"
Catholic …
Barbara stopped short to wonder what God must think of all the jarring sects which laid claim to His exclusive revelation. The Ancient of Days, God the Father, Jehovah, Allah.… She had always wondered what He would make of His fratricidal followers. Catholic, Protestant, Orthodox.… What must Christ make of the bitter fanatics who swam through blood to a world of universal love?
She had lost her way in the confession; and God brooded in silence over Space and Time, ignoring her, forgetting her. She sank to the ground, hiding her face in her hands and wondering when she had died. Perhaps God had waited until Jack Waring was killed, so that he might testify against her.…
"I know it was a lie," she broke out suddenly, "but I didn't realize what I was doing. The next thing … Is this Hell? I always felt I was going through Hell on earth. That night … I didn't see or hear from Jack for three months; I thought he'd given me up. I was happy for the first time since I'd met him. Then he followed me into the country and asked me again if I'd marry him. He said he was a Catholic now. He'd believed me, he'd done this for me, perjured himself.… I remember saying to myself "If there is a God …" I didn't know.… "If he has a soul to lose.…" I couldn't undo it. I did what I could for him, I wrote and said I'd marry him, I swore it by the sign of the Cross.… He went out to the war, he never answered; he's killed now.… I don't know what you're going to do with me. I've been punished. It can't be any satisfaction to you to send me out of my mind. For a year I've been tortured. Now I was just beginning to forget and to be happy. I suppose you want to take that away.… I didn't realize.… Why shouldn't I be happy?"
The dim figure on the throne made no answer, and Barbara began to crawl forward. Perhaps God had not heard.… But she would spend years crawling through Space.…
"I want to get it over. No punishment's as bad as this suspense. You know that.… Won't you tell me what I'm to do …?"
She crawled forward again, though her knees were aching. Above her loomed God's foot-stool; and she touched it reverently, then beat upon it furiously in the hope that God might rise and kill her again … for ever.… The sheet of flame marched nearer until it scorched her eyes. Space and Time shrank and were consumed until she found herself kneeling upright, staring wildly at the fire and beating with open palms on the wooden end of the bed.
Barbara fell backwards, pulling the clothes up to her chin.