Frank is a large man, a former college football player, powerfully built. He has always prided himself on his strength and determination. He used to be friendly and outgoing. He had a pleasant smile, complemented by his clear blue eyes.
Frank had worked for eleven years for a manufacturer of tools. Not long ago, he was promoted to the position of managing the company's sales division in a large midwestern city. Soon after Frank and his wife moved, his wife became pregnant with their third child. Frank had a well-paying job, excellent benefits, a pleasant home they had just bought, and a contented relationship with his wife. But in spite of these things, he became severely depressed. And he began to feel terribly frightened: he had to leave his desk several times each morning and again in the afternoon. He would go to the men's room, lock the door, turn on the water faucets, and cry.
Frank lost fifteen pounds in three months. He had a poor appetite, slept badly, and was very anxious around his co-workers. He couldn't understand what had happened to him, and he was unwilling to let others know how unhappy he felt. He was ashamed of what he took to be a weakness in himself: like many men, he was raised to believe that men shouldn't cry, and his crying bouts shook his sense of identity and stability. His marriage began to suffer. Frank and his wife seldom made love. Frank was irritable and impatient with his wife and his children. Frank's wife knew he was very troubled, but he refused to talk to her about it.
For several months, Frank fought against his depression. (If only he had been aware of the strength that he mustered to do this!) Then he reached a crisis and could not force himself to go to work. He stayed home with a bad cold, slept as much as he could, and was very short-tempered. He was crying a good deal. Frank's wife persuaded him to see a doctor. The doctor referred him to a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist saw Frank twice a week for two-and-a-half months, but Frank was troubled by side effects from the antidepressant medication he took under the psychiatrist's supervision. He resisted the idea of "taking drugs," so he decided to see a psychotherapist who, in cooperation with the psychiatrist, monitored Frank's condition as he gradually went off the antidepressants.
However, after five months, Frank did not feel he was making any real progress. He changed to another therapist who, his wife had heard, specialized in the treatment of depression.
Together, Frank and his new therapist came, over a period of months, to recognize that Frank's depression had resulted from two conflicts: Frank had hated his job but had refused to admit this to himself, and now his wife was pregnant again, and because of this added financial responsibility he felt forced to stay with his present job, where he had seniority, good salary, and benefits.
Once the basis for his depression was made clear, it was possible to begin to treat Frank's problem. His wife was very willing to encourage him to plan for a change of jobs, even though this would mean a temporary reduction in his income. Frank saw a vocational therapist and received guidance that led him to take some evening classes and then to become a computer programmer for a rapidly growing local company. His depression faded away, and he now seems genuinely to be content.
WHAT YOU CAN EXPECT FROM THIS BOOK
I knew Frank personally, as his therapist in a group. (His name, like all others in this book, has been changed, along with certain details about his situation.) With professional help, Frank was able to improve his life—his sense of self-esteem, his marriage, and his family life. It was a long and painful process, as much self-change can be. But perhaps Frank's experience might have been less painful, perhaps Frank might have felt less devastating isolation, and perhaps his path to a resolution of his difficulties could have been shortened if a practical guide to counseling and therapy had been available to him when he first decided to find help.
MAKING INTELLIGENT CHOICES