When You Don't Know Where to Turn / A Self-Diagnosing Guide to Counseling and Therapy

by Steven J. Bartlett

"You should be anxious in relation to what is uncertain, unknown, or potentially dangerous."

"It is much easier to avoid problems than to face life's difficulties and responsibilities."

"It is necessary to have something greater or stronger than yourself to rely on."

"The present is largely determined by past events."

"Happiness comes when one has complete leisure."

"If you don't work hard to please others, they will abandon you."

"If people don't approve of you, you ought to question your self-worth."

By telling ourselves things like these, we create our own unhappiness, frustration, and anger; that is the point of view of cognitive therapy. During the 1950s, Albert Ellis (1913-2007) developed a theory of personality that claims that people are largely responsible for their emotional reactions. They tell themselves that things ought to be different, that people should do certain things, and that what they desire they must have. Life, for people whose thoughts are filled with shoulds, oughts, and musts, is full of disappointment, annoyance, and hurt.

Ellis observed that, as time goes by, we tend to reinforce an emotional pattern that amplifies our sensitivities more and more. The emotional reactions we create in ourselves become more exaggerated, distorted, and self-destructive.