When You Don't Know Where to Turn / A Self-Diagnosing Guide to Counseling and Therapy

by Steven J. Bartlett

What seems to help in marriage and family therapy is ingenuity on the part of the therapist that will give him or her power or control over a situation that is out of control. One way to do this is to force clients into a paradoxical situation. For example, the therapist may prescribe that a couple or members of a family continue their present unsatisfying behavior. As a result, they may (and very likely will) rebel so that desired change comes about.[[2]]

[[2]] As we have seen, logotherapy and Adlerian therapy both make use of this technique, as do family therapists, as we will see later on.

All family therapy is marriage therapy to a certain extent. And so, suppose we first look more closely at what marriage therapy is like.

MARRIAGE THERAPY

Marriage therapy is generally advisable[[3]] when the husband or wife has sought help in individual counseling but this has not been helpful. Sometimes the marital relationship itself inhibits, or even undermines, the improvement of the most troubled person. For example, individual therapy did nothing to help one woman who was suffering from severe chronic anxiety. When her husband was asked to participate in treatment, it was found that he abused his wife continuously but subtly. Whenever she spoke, he would criticize her views and indirectly slight her worth; when he lost something, he would often accuse her of misplacing it. The problem she had come for help with turned out to be marital rather than individual.

[[3]] See Jay Haley, "Marriage Therapy," pp. 180-210.

If you are unable or unwilling to communicate openly and adequately with a therapist, marriage therapy may encourage your spouse to become more involved in the process of therapy. Often, having the other marital partner present will stimulate an otherwise silent client to express himself or herself, especially to correct what the other partner has to say!

If you suddenly become severely troubled at the time of a marital conflict, marriage therapy may be useful. A spouse who falls into a deep depression immediately after a quarrel may be troubled in a way that marriage therapy can treat.

Finally, marriage therapy is of course essential if a husband and wife are in conflict and serious distress and cannot resolve their differences. Frequently, one spouse (usually the wife) will want marriage therapy; the other will come, but reluctantly. However, both often will come, because if one is in distress the other is affected.