Most of us, however, have unbalanced seesaws. We usually blame things outside ourselves for our disappointments. Doing so is a habit that allows us to avoid responsibility for ourselves and, in turn, limits our future development.
On the other hand, some of us blame ourselves much too readily: we carry an exaggerated burden of responsibility, which weighs us down and also limits our growth as individuals.
Ideally, psychotherapy would like us to let go of so-called "past negative conditioning"—blame as well as guilt—so that we are free to choose who we are and will become. Even though this is certainly a desirable attitude, most of us cannot really forget and let go. We are all inheritors of a tenacious past: the influences of past events have a certain power over us, and we must either resign ourselves to being controlled by the past or fight its influence. The attitude we take toward the past will usually affect how we meet the future, often diminishing our freedom to change old habits and undermining our hope and faith in ourselves.
For example, if Jeff blames his limitations today on his parents, on the ways they influenced him, he may set goals for himself that are far from being freely chosen. Jeff may choose them in reaction to domination by his parents years ago. His parents may have tried to influence him to be a gentle, courteous person with artistic interests. But as a result of other past influences—for example, because of frequent moves of the family and repeatedly being bullied as the "new kid" at different schools—Jeff may feel hostile toward others, so (in reaction to his parents' influence and because of pent-up hostility) he decides to go into science (rather than art, for which he perhaps has a talent) and rejects gentle, courteous qualities in himself.
It is difficult to choose freely. Some psychologists do not believe it actually is possible. And yet, whether we are ever truly free or not, we still try to plan our lives, and we believe our plans (and frequently the lack of them) have something to do with what we make of living.
Most people who enter counseling or psychotherapy want to improve some aspect of their living. Individuals whose seesaw is weighted on the side of blaming outside influences too often come to feel it is too much work and quit therapy because they cannot accept the need to make choices and decisions in spite of past influences. On the other hand, people who blame themselves may be so guilt-ridden that they are impaired in their openness to the future and feel unable to initiate fundamental changes in their lives.
When you ask yourself, "What kind of person do I want to become?," try to be aware of the extent that your answer may be weighed down by feelings of blame and guilt. All too often we continue to perpetuate, unknowingly, the same old unsatisfying patterns because we are trapped by our habits of blaming others or ourselves.
If you feel bogged down by feelings of guilt or burdened by the limitations of an unfair past, it may be difficult for you to develop a freely chosen sense of direction. But perhaps you will be able to acknowledge that the guilt or blame you feel is an obstacle to be overcome. If so, you have defined an objective that you may use to decide what type of counseling or therapy may be a most promising first step.
What I am suggesting is that an obstacle that makes it hard for you to gain a sense of direction can itself point you in a direction. If there are blocks, it can be helpful to meet them head-on. In therapy, the phrase working through a problem often means exactly this.
Choosing what kind of person you wish to be is a process, not an event. It is not something that happens and then is over. Choice is something implicit in each day of your life; sometimes it is quite conscious, but it is often dulled by the unconsciousness of habit. Your personal goals may undergo gradual or abrupt change. Psychological growth is your response to these changes in outlook.