When You Don't Know Where to Turn / A Self-Diagnosing Guide to Counseling and Therapy

by Steven J. Bartlett

Self-Esteem

People with high self-esteem can allow themselves to feel modest and to behave with modesty. High self-esteem does not imply pride or arrogance. Self-esteem and self-acceptance (and hence congruence) are interrelated. Individuals with strong self-esteem no longer need to prove themselves. They value the kind of people they are and are not inclined to be self-undermining through perfectionistic self-criticism.

Openness and Love

Ideally, if you undergo therapy, you become less defensive and less uptight about yourself; you will therefore have less need for self-absorption, so you will be able to develop an increased capacity to feel warmth for others. You may become more giving, and less hooked on the need to recover for what you do give, tit for tat. There are fewer "shoulds" to stand in your way, to use to blame yourself, or to use to criticize others. You can let go of these requirements and accept others for what they are, for what they can do, and for what they may feel. You feel less disappointment and resentment about your relationships and more of a sense of ease and peace.

Freedom

Since you are less hooked by the expectations and values of others, and you have reduced the list of requirements that others must fulfill in order to be acceptable, you gain a great measure of personal freedom. The habitual process of sizing others up and comparing them with yourself, which many of us expend so much time and energy doing, is no longer needed. You can more freely set your life goals. You will probably feel more real, meaningful satisfaction with your life, since you are no longer imprisoned by uptight standards of judgment. You are able to be much more relaxed because you are able to feel more accepting toward others and toward yourself.

Displacing the Negative with the Positive

These are among the major potential positive benefits of therapy. They make up one way of describing the ideal outcomes of therapy. They are one side of the coin; the other side consists of the many negative feelings and ways of behaving that are eliminated when they are displaced by these positive personality qualities. The negatives that make up such a familiar part of "normal" life include these:

* fears that stand in the way of desired goals