A Hat's Autobiography.—"Fancy yourself an old hat," said the teacher. "Now write about yourself." Result: "I am an old hat telling you all about me. I am trimmed with velvet, and when any one take me out the people stand in the doorway laughing at me, and I am not pleased with them. I dont turn sulky like some boy's and girls do when any one call them. My hat is trimmed with green velvet, satan, flowers, cherries, and a large hostrige feather. When I go out the cherries in my hat tieses the birds. I was bought in a large hat shop in leeds. I was bought in a shop down briggate. It cost more than six shillings. I think I have told you all I know, and so I will say no more at present."
At the Menagerie.—"Describe," said the teacher, "in a letter to a friend, your visit yesterday to the menagerie." Here is one of the letters: "Dear Fred,—About a week ago I went to a manajery in our town. The price to pay was tuppence and it was well worth the money. Their were a great number of animals. The animals what made the biggest row was the Kings of the beasts and a wild cat they had got. Their were a cage full of monkeys which was doing funny tricks, some was catching fleas and eating them. Their was a Elephant and a Kamel that give rides for a penny. Stodgy Mathers tumbled of and made his nose bleed, he did howl. There was various kinds of birds, such as the vulture, the Golden eagle and kangaroo, besides macaws and other ferocious animals. There was an horse. It had a main 13 feet long worth £10000. The man what entered the Lions den was the tamer. He was dressed in tites. When he went in he closed the door quick for fear they should spring out and devour the people. He soon made the lions do whatever they like. Lions are ferocious animals. The colour of the lion is yellow, also brown, though some are also red. Tigers are no use only to eat up men and called the maneater, likewise women and little babys, besides others. If a man was to meet a tiger in a lonely forest he would never forget it. The elephant is remarkable for its prodijous strenth. Its trunk is useful to drink up and eating. Their was also a policeman at the door to keep disordered people and children out of mischief. Policemen are useful things when on duty. The colour of them is blue with a big helmet on. In a cage up a corner sat a grilla eating, and which its teeth is very sharp, and its claws. I saw some lepords and a zebra and a funny lobsided thing called a giraf. I saved my penny and bought some nuts which I gave the monkeys. One big faced fellow was so greedy he swallowed one of my nuts whole and it nearly choked him. He rubbed his stummick and choked and grasped for breath until the tears rolled down his cheeks. I thought I should die laughing. Greediness never prospers. I also witnessed a fight between an hyeena and a wolf. Wolfs is ferocious animals. It was amusing to watch two monkeys fighting over a ginger bread. The biggest caught the other by the tail and dropped him on the floor with a crash on his head. I left then and went home and had a good tea.—your respectably, ——."
On Government.—The exercise was an essay "On Government"—after, of course, a little disquisition by the teacher. The result:—"Our country has a King who can't do anything but what he ought to. There were Georges I., II., III., and IV., but there was eight Henrys. There is also houses called the Houses of Parliament. One of these is full of lords, called the House of Lords, but the other is only built for them gentlemen as perhaps you have seen some of them and it is called the House of Common. No gentlemen can get in there unless they know as he can make laws. But the King has to look them over and see as they are made right. These Commons are called Conservatives and Liberals, and they try and hinder one another as much as they can. They sometimes have sides, and then you see it on the plackards, and you can hear men and your fathers a talking quarrelling about it. Our country is governed a lot better than France, and Germany comes about next. Then there's a lot of others, and then comes Persia. Our country allways comes first, whoever you like to ask."
Babies.—"Write me a piece of composition on Babies," said the teacher. Here is a boy's effort on, to him, an obviously uncongenial topic:—"Babys are little red things without bones nor teeth. They have various sises, but just after they are borned, they are called bypeds; their bones are grisle. They are 2 sects, male and female; and are also very fat. When very young they do not have much hair; so you cannot tell wether they will turn into boys or girls until their hair grows. They are always asleep only when crying. They feed them on milk, or chue a injyrubber tit, also their thum. When they are very little, they ware pettycoats same as girls; but boys soon wear jacket and trowsers. Girls are softer than boys, so they have to keep on wearing pettycoats, frocks, and &c., all their lives. Some babys have to be borned, and the doctor brings some, when the people have got plenty of money. Women and girls go silly over babys, and kiss them all over, and say silly things. That's why girls have dolls when they haven't any little brothers. Everybody as to be a baby first. Once, before I can remember, I was a little baby. Mother says, when I had my furst trowser suit on, she put me on the table in frunt of the looking glass, and when I seen myself in the mirrow, I screamed out, 'Take them off!' 'Take them off!' 'It isnt me! It isnt me!' and they had to take them off. That's all I know about babys."
Rival Views.—One day, recently, a teacher gave for composition to the boys and girls in the upper standards an essay on "Boys" (for the girls) and "Girls" (for the boys). The following extracts represent fairly accurately the general tone of the opinions expressed by both sides respectively:—