This good creature’s unalterable friendship for me affected me with the most grateful sentiments, and acted as a spur to my resolution of acquiring a fortune, that I might have it in my power to manifest my generosity in my turn. For this purpose, I determined to bring matters to a speedy conclusion with Melinda; well knowing that a few such nights as the last would effectually incapacitate me from prosecuting that or any other advantageous amour.
While my meditation was busied in planning out my future conduct, Mr. Banter favoured me with a visit, and after breakfast asked how I had passed the preceding evening. I answered I was very agreeably entertained at a private house. “Yes,” said he, with a sarcastic smile, “you deserve something extraordinary for the price you paid.” I was surprised at this remark, and pretended ignorance of his meaning. “Come, come, Mr. Random,” continued he, “you need not make a mystery of it to me; the whole town has it. I wish that foolish affair between you and Bragwell at Hampstead had been less public. It has set all the busybodies at work to find out your real character and situation; and you cannot imagine what conjectures have already circulated at your expense. One suspects you to be a Jesuit in disguise; another thinks you are an agent from the Pretender; a third believes you to be an upstart gamester, because nobody knows anything of your family or fortune; a fourth is of opinion that you are an Irish fortune-hunter.” This last hypothesis touched me so nearly that, to conceal my confusion, I was fain to interrupt his detail, and damn the world for an envious meddling community, that would not suffer a gentleman to live without molestation. He took no notice of this apostrophe, but went on. “For my own part, I neither know nor desire to know who or what you are. This I am certain of, that few people make a mystery of their origin or situation, who can boast of anything advantageous in either; and my own opinion of the matter is that you have raised yourself, by your industry, from nothing to the appearance you now maintain, and which you endeavour to support by some matrimonial scheme.” Here he fixed his eyes steadfastly upon me and perceiving my face covered with blushes, told me, how he was confirmed in his opinion. “Look ye, Random,” said he, “I have divined your plan, and am confident it will never succeed. You are too honest and too ignorant of the town to practise the necessary cheats of your profession, and detect the conspiracies that will be formed against you. Besides, you are downright bashful. What the devil! set up for a fortune hunter before you have conquered the sense of shame! Perhaps you are entitled by your merit, and I believe you are, to a richer and a better wife than Melinda; but take my word for it, she is not to be won at that rate;—or, if you are so lucky as to carry her, between you and me, you may say, as Teague said, By my soul, I have gained a loss! She would take care to spend her fortune in a twinkling, and soon make you sick of her extravagance.”
I was alarmed by his discourse, while I resented the freedom of it, and expressed my disgust by telling him, he was mistaken in my intentions, and desiring he would give me leave to regulate my conduct according to the dictates of my own reason. He made no apology for the liberty he had taken, and ascribed it to the warmth of his friendship for me; as an uncommon instance of which he borrowed five guineas, assuring me there were very few people in the world whom he would so far favour with his confidence. I gave him the money, and professed myself so well convinced of his sincerity, that he had no occasion to put it to such extraordinary proofs for the future. “I thought,” said he, “to have asked five pieces more, but hearing you were bubbled of eighteen last night, I presumed you might be out of cash, and resolved to model my demand accordingly.” I could not help admiring the cavalier behaviour of this spark, of whom I desired to know his reason for saying I was bubbled. He then gave me to understand, that before he came to my lodgings, he had beat up Tom Tossle, who, being present, informed him of the particulars, rehearsed all the fine things I said to Melinda, with which he proposed to entertain the town, and among other circumstances, assured him my mistress cheated with so little art, that nobody but a mere novice could be imposed upon.
The thoughts of becoming a subject of raillery for coxcombs, and losing my money to boot, stung me to the quick; but I made a virtue of my indignation, and swore that no man should with impunity either asperse the character of Melinda, or turn my behaviour into ridicule. He replied in a dry manner, that I would find it a Herculean task to chastise everybody who should laugh at my expense; and, as for the character of Melinda, he did not see how it could suffer by what was laid to her charge; for that cheating at cards, far from being reckoned a blemish among people of fashion, was looked upon as an honourable indication of superior genius and address. “But let us waive this subject,” said he, “and go to the coffee-house, in order to make a party for dinner.”
CHAPTER XLVIII
We repair to the coffee-house, where we overhear a curious dispute between Wagtail and Medlar, which is referred to our decision—the Doctor gives an account of his experiment—Medlar is roasted by Banter at the ordinary—the old gentleman’s advice to me
Being as willing to drop the theme as he was to propose it, I accompanied him thither, where we found Mr. Medlar and Dr. Wagtail disputing upon the word Custard, which the physician affirmed should be spelt with a G, observing that it was derived from the Latin verb gustare, “to taste;” but Medlar pleaded custom in behalf of C, observing, that, by the Doctor’s rule, we ought to change pudding into budding, because it is derived from the French word boudin; and in that case why not retain the original orthography and pronunciation of all the foreign words we have adopted, by which means our language would become a dissonant jargon without standard or propriety? The controversy was referred to us; and Banter, notwithstanding his real opinion to the contrary, decided it in favour of Wagtail; upon which the peevish annuitant arose, and uttering the monosyllable pish! with great emphasis, removed to another table.
We then inquired of the doctor, what progress he had made in the experiment of distilling tinder-water; and he told us he had been at all the glass-houses about town, but could find nobody who would undertake to blow a retort large enough to hold the third part of the quantity prescribed; but he intended to try the process on as much as would produce five drops, which would be sufficient to prove the specific, and then he would make it a parliamentary affair; that he had already purchased a considerable weight of rags, in reducing which to tinder, he had met with a misfortune, which had obliged him to change his lodgings; for he had gathered them in a heap on the floor, and set fire to them with a candle, on the supposition that the boards would sustain no damage, because it is the nature of flame to ascend; but, by some very extraordinary accident, the wood was invaded, and began to blaze with great violence, which disordered him so much, that he had not the presence of mind enough to call for assistance, and the whole house must have been consumed with him in the midst of it, had not the smoke that rolled out of the windows in clouds alarmed the neighbourhood, and brought people to his succour: that he had lost a pair of black velvet breeches and a tie-wig in the hurry, besides the expense of the rags, which were rendered useless by the water used to quench the flame, and the damage of the floor, which he was compelled to repair; that his landlord, believing him distracted, had insisted on his quitting his apartment at a minute’s warning, and he was put to incredible inconvenience; but now he was settled in a very comfortable house, and had the use of a large paved yard for preparing his tinder; so that he hoped in a very short time to reap the fruits of his labour.
After having congratulated the doctor on his prospect, and read the papers, we repaired to an auction of pictures, where we entertained ourselves an hour or two; from thence we adjourned to the Mall, and, after two or three turns, went back to dinner, Banter assuring us, that he intended to roast Medlar at the ordinary; and, indeed, we were no sooner set than this cynic began to execute his purpose, by telling the old gentleman that he looked extremely well, considering the little sleep he had enjoyed last night. To this compliment Medlar made no reply, but by a stare, accompanied with a significant grin; and Banter went on thus; “I don’t know whether most to admire the charity of your mind, or the vigour of your body. Upon my soul, Mr. Medlar, you do generous things with the best taste of any man I know! You extend your compassion to real objects, and exact only such returns as they are capable of making. You must know, gentlemen,” said he, turning to the company, “I had been up most part of the night with a friend who is ill of a fever, and, on my return home this morning, chanced to pass by a gin shop still open, whence issued a confused sound of mirth and jollity: upon which, I popped in my head, and perceived Mr. Medlar dancing bareheaded in the midst of ten or twenty ragged bunters, who rejoiced at his expense. But indeed, Mr. Medlar, you should not sacrifice your constitution to your benevolence. Consider, you grow old apace; and, therefore, have a reverend care of your health, which must certainly be very much impaired by these nocturnal expeditions.” The testy senior could no longer contain himself, but cried hastily, “’Tis well known that your tongue is no slanderer.” “I think,” said the other, “you might spare that observation, as you are very sensible, that my tongue has done you signal service on many occasions. You may remember, that, when you made your addresses to the fat widow who kept a public-house at Islington, there was a report spread very much to the prejudice of your manhood, which coming to the ears of your mistress, you were discarded immediately: and I brought matters to a reconciliation, by assuring her you had three bastards at nurse in the country. How you ruined your own affair afterwards, it is neither my business nor inclination to relate.”
This anecdote, which had no other foundation than in Banter’s own invention, afforded a good deal of mirth to everybody present, and provoked Mr. Medlar beyond all sufferance; so that he started up in a mighty passion, and, forgetting that his mouth was full, bespattered those who sat next to him, while he discharged his indignation in a volley of oaths, and called Banter insignificant puppy, impertinent jackanapes, and a hundred such appellations; telling the company he had invented these false and malicious aspersions, because he would not lend him money to squander away upon rooks and whores. “A very likely story,” said Banter, “that I should attempt to borrow money of a man who is obliged to practise a thousand shifts to make his weekly allowance hold out till Saturday night. Sometimes he sleeps four-and-twenty hours at a stretch, by which means he saves three meals, besides coffee-house expense. Sometimes he is fain to put up with bread and cheese and small beer for dinner; and sometimes he regales on twopennyworth of ox cheek in a cellar.” “You are a lying miscreant!” cried Medlar, in an ecstacy of rage; “I can always command money enough to pay your tailor’s bill, which I am sure is no trifle; and I have a good mind to give you a convincing proof of my circumstances, by prosecuting you for defamation, sirrah.” By this time the violence of his wrath had deprived him of his appetite, and he sat silent, unable to swallow one mouthful, while his tormentor enjoyed his mortification, and increased his chagrin, by advising him to lay in plentifully for his next day’s fast.