When you've dropped your last pipe overboard, and there ain't no more spuds to be 'ad, or ain't got no terbacco, an' no matches if you 'ad, and there ain't a dry spot anywhere, and everything is just dolesome, along 'e comes as cheerful as a blooming cricket, and it do your 'eart good just for to see 'im.
We all says when they send Mr. Foote ("Toddles", the Orficers call 'im) to "No. 3": "Now, these two young gen'l'men will be 'appy", for, you see, they be great pals, and afore 'e came Mr. Glover 'ad no one to fight.
Well, I must 'urry on with this yarn. We gets to the pirate island about six bells (three o'clock) in the afternoon, 'aving had a stand easy after dinner and a lay off the land, or forty winks, as you calls it ashore.
We was a-punchin' along easy-like astern of the Laird, "No. 2" being just a'ead, and the Sylvia a-coming up from the southward, fifty miles astern by this time, an' I was standing outside o' the galley a-passing the time o' day with Cooky, who was a-drying my wet things and Mr. Glover's, the things what we had on when the dinghy capshuted, and grumbling like ole 'Arry that a shell had bust in his galley and made a 'ole in his best saucepan and smashed a lot of the Orficers' crockery. "'Ow can I do mysel' justice," he says, "with all 'em things a-busted up. I does my best, s'elp me, for them Orficers, but, there, they always be grumbling—the spuds ain't cooked, or the entray is cold, or the blooming aigs is 'ard boiled or ain't boiled enough. And the lower deck be just as bad. Bill Williams of No. 3 mess comes a-rushing along with a meat-pie as big as a 'ouse, covered with twisted bits o' pastry, and though there ain't room on top o' the galley for a aig-cup, I shoves it on top o' somethin' else; and Nobby Hewitt of No. 5—them stokers be always the most partickler—comes an' 'e wants 'is mess's bits o' meat roasted; and, lor' love me, what with one toff wantin' 'em stooed, and another roast, an' another sings out as cheerful as if the 'ole ship was a galley, 'Boiled for us, Cooky', 'Old Fatty', or 'Carrots', or some o' their 'air-raising impertinences, why, strike me pink! there be hardly room to cook a blooming sparrah, and they all egspecs me to go on a-basting with one 'and, a-turning a joint with another, an' stirring a stoo with another, and pokin' the fire, and pitchin' on coals, and fetching water all in the same breath; an' 'ere you comes and fills me doll's-'ouse with yer dripping clothes.
"Is it any wonder," Cooky continued, wiping 'is 'ands on 'is apron, "that my countenance ain't always a-smiling like a green bay-tree, or skipping like a young ram; now, is it, I awsks you?"
He was a very religious man was Cooky, secre-tary to the Naval Temperance Society aboard us, and he played the 'armonium at church on Sunday.
"So long as we don't go a-fightin' when the galley is chuck-full o' the men's grub a-cooking, I'll come out on top,", he says patient-like; "and when I plays the 'armonium they'll join in the hymns more 'earty, and maybe sign the pledge.
"I've a great scheme," he continued, "for makin' 'em sign the pledge. I knows exactly 'ow many men in each mess are temperance men, and the more as 'ave signed on in any one mess, the more I looks arter that there mess's food be cooked proper, an', so you see, they'll all sign on afore this commission's out, just to get their food to their likin'. I tried that plan in the ole Thunderer."
"But you got yourself into trouble," I said, larfing.
"Well, I did get my leave stopped for six weeks once, and lost a badge another time, but it was all took cheerful-like. We all 'ave our burdens to bear, Jones."