Maple also, who personated Miss Olive Omlett, the meek, elderly lady, appeared to have come with a totally erroneous conception of the rôle of that inoffensive character. He delivered his speeches in a voice similar to that in which boys call the evening papers at a London railway station, and lost no opportunity of clutching at his heart—which, by the way, Maple wore on his right flank—and of rising up from, and sitting down on, his chair at regular intervals while anybody else was addressing him.
Then, greatly to the chagrin of the director, the jokes which seemed so good in print never came off right in the speaking. Those which were delivered right, nobody—least of all the actors—seemed to see, and the others came to grief by being mauled in the handling. When, for instance, on the meek gentleman observing, “Oh, my poor head!” Miss Acidrop ought to have made a very witty and brilliant point by retorting, “There’s nothing in that!” she entirely spoiled the fun by saying, “That’s nothing to do with it!” and when loud laughter should have been created by the irascible man walking off with the meek man’s hat on his head, they both quitted the scene with no hats on their heads at all.
This was dispiriting, and the absence of the low comedian and the maid-of-all-work tended still further to mar the success of the rehearsal. For Wake had to read these parts from the book, and at the same time coach the other actors. Thus, for instance, in the famous speech of Abednego Jinks the low comedian already cited, it rather broke up the humour of that masterpiece of declamation to hear it delivered thus:—
“When Abednego Jinks—(Oh, that won’t do, Ranger! Take your hand out of your waistcoat and look more like a fool. Yes, that’s better. Now, where’s the place? Oh yes)—when Abednego Jinks says a thing, Tommy, my boy (Oh, no, no, no! Didn’t I tell you you needn’t start up from your chair as if I was going to cut your throat? Sit steady, and gape at me like an idiot! That’s the style!)—Tommy, my boy, Tommy, my boy, To—(Where on earth’s the place? Oh yes)—when Abednego Jinks says a thing, Tommy, my boy—”
“Oughtn’t you to look funnier than that, yourself?” interposed Ranger, relaxing his own expression to ask the question.
“Oh, of course; only I’m reading just now. Oakshott will have to get that up, of course. Now begin again. Go on; look a fool.—That’ll do.—When Abednego Jinks says a thing, Tommy, my boy—(I say, screw your chair round a bit, and face the audience).”
“For mercy’s sake,” said Stafford, who was getting rather tired of the whole thing, “do tell us what happens when Abednego Jinks says a thing!”
“Tommy, my boy, you may take your Alfred David—(Do look rather more vacant, old man).”
“My dear fellow,” once more interposed the prefect, “Ranger could not possibly look a more utter idiot than he looks this minute. What is he to take his affidavit about? I do so want to know.”
“You may take your Alfred David, Tommy, my boy (Oh no, that’s wrong)—Tommy, my boy, you may take your Alfred David.”