LET all those that are ambitious of the title of favourite learn by the history of my life, how dangerous a folly it is to monopolize their prince’s smiles. A man climbs to the top of this slippery ascent thro’ a thousand difficulties; and if he is not moderate in his prosperity, (which few are) he often falls with a more precipitated shame into disgrace. I acquir’d, or rather usurp’d, the favour of Edward II. in whose breast the proud Gaveston had before me licentiously revell’d. To effect this, my father lent me his helping hand; but without growing wiser by the examples of others, the vanity of my ambition made me follow that wandring star, call’d fortune. I no sooner had possess’d myself of the king’s ear, but I crept into the secrets of his heart, and infected it with the blackest venom of mine; acting the part of a self-interested, not an honest minister. As I valued not the glory of his reign, or ease of his people, provided I governed him, and render’d myself master of his treasures; so did I never move him to relieve the miserable, or reward the faithful and deserving, but endeavour’d to blacken the merit of their greatest actions, and so settled the first motions of his liberality, with reasons of sordid interest. If any places of trust were to be fill’d, covering my treachery still with the veil of zeal and love for my country, I recommended only such as were devoted to my service; pretending ill management in every thing that went not thro’ my hands; and that the nation was betray’d, whilst I, like some of you now, was selling it, and was in reality the worst enemy it had. After I had sacrific’d the great duke of Lancaster to my revenue, and a hundred persons of quality besides, I sow’d discord in the royal family, The queen, with the prince of Wales her son, and the earl of Kent, the king’s brother, retir’d into France; during which time I govern’d at my ease, wallow’d in luxury and riches, and had interest enough to hinder Charles the Fair from protecting his sister. The Pope, who was of my religion, storm’d like a true father, son of the church, and so frighted the king of France, that in spite of their nearness of blood, he hunted the queen of England out of his dominions. But at last the king being reconciled, the queen returns; I was taken prisoner, and by the laws of the kingdom, sentenc’d to be drawn on a sledge, at sound of trumpet, thro’ the streets of Hereford. The circumstances of my death were infamous; my head was expos’d at London, my bowels, heart, and some others parts of body burn’d, my carcass abandon’d to the crows, in four parts of the kingdom; the justest reward a villain, who had almost destroy’d both king and country cou’d expect. This is, gentlemen, favourites and ministers, a picture you ought all to have in your closets, to keep you from resembling it. When in favour, banish not justice, clemency and generosity, from the thrones of your master; and to avoid a just hatred, and make men of virtue your friends, study the publick interest. Turn over old histories and you’ll find there is scarce one, or few of us, got peaceably to the grave, but either starv’d or rotted, or immortaliz’d a gibbet. Not one eye ever wept for our sufferings, pity itself rejoiced. Thus detested on earth, and curs’d by heaven, our last refuge is to become the prey of devils. Consider well, gentlemen, and arm yourselves against all those vicious passions, which will certainly undo you, if you listen to them as I did. Therefore in the slippery paths of a court, take prudence and justice for your supports.
The Answer of the Chief Ministers of the King of Iveter to Hugh Spencer.
THE picture you have drawn of your life and death, shews you were notoriously wicked, and rewarded according to your deserts. But let me tell you, Sir, that ’tis a great mistake to believe a minister cannot manage or steer his prince, without abusing him and the publick. Because you were the horror of your age, is it an inevitable destiny for other favourites to be so too? I will not here make my own panegyrick, but leave that care to posterity: However, I will boldly maintain, that to suffer a master to divide his benevolence, when one can secure it all to ones self, is folly and stupidity. A prudent man knows how to make a right use of his master’s weakness; and if he finds him inclin’d now and then to gratify eminent services, he will not seem much averse to it, provided still he loses nothing by the bargain: But if his prince is of a covetous temper, charity, which always begins at home, then bids him shut up his Exchequer, and reserve to himself the sole privilege of opening it at leisure. ’Tis likewise no ill step in our politicks to cry down those actions, which might otherwise by their weight out-value ours: Upon such occasions to testify the least zeal, fidelity and care, will be thought meritorious. Tho’ the escutcheons we leave our children, have some blots in them, what signifies that, provided we leave them rich and noble titles, which will procure them honour, and all sorts of pleasures in this world, and a saint’s place hereafter, in that uncertain volume of the Roman Almanack.
Julia to the Princess of Conti.
AS you may wonder, madam, that I who lived so many ages ago, and at present am so many thousand leagues from you, should esteem and love you; might I wonder too, in my turn, if you should have a good opinion of me, after so many historians have conspired to blacken my reputation. But there are, dear sister, such circumstances in our fortunes, as ought to make us love one another, and hold a friendly correspondence; since you are like me, the daughter of a beautiful, treacherous prince, who drags good fortune at his heels; and of a mother who renounced the world before it did her the injury of renouncing her. I was once the ornament of the court of Augustus, and you now shine like a star, in that of Lewis XIV. I was marry’d very young to Marcellus, the hopes of the Romans; and almost in your infancy, you were given to the most amiable man that ever was of the Bourbons: I lost the son of Octavia some months after our marriage, and your forehead was bound with the fatal sable, before Hymen’s garlands were in the least withered; you are handsome, I was not ugly; you occasion jealousy, and I suffer’d the sharpest darts of destruction: I had lovers beyond number; and who is able to reckon your’s? They have not perhaps been so favourably received; and I believe the air, and want of opportunity, not our inclinations, to be the cause, for you never yet despis’d those pleasures I daily enjoy’d and sigh’d after; and tho’ by the death of Agrippa, I came under the tyranny of Tiberius, I pursu’d my inclinations to the last. Widows of your age generally enter the list again: But, princess, the counsel I have to give you, is, to reserve to yourself the liberty of your choice. There are so many Tiberius’s where you are, that one may easily fall to your share, and after that nothing but banishment will be wanting to finish the comparison. A very malignant [39] planet at present commands your destiny; and ’tis in vain to expect justice from that jealous, ill-natur’d fury. Now I have given you advice, which, if I could return into the world, I would follow myself, permit me to justify my actions.
Historians tell you, I endeavoured to reign in every heart, whatever it cost me, without any regard to the owner’s birth and condition: But do you think that so very criminal? Does a little kindness deserve so severe a censure? Must persons of quality be always oblig’d to have an eye on their dignity? and did not he that made the prince, make the coachman? But what I cannot with patience suffer, is the impudent lie some have made concerning Ovid; that versifyer had a nicer fancy in poetry than beauty; like your father, My dear sister, he imagin’d wonderful charms in grey hairs; for Marcellus was but newly dead when he fell in love with Livia. ’Twas her he celebrated under the feigned name of Corinna; and when he pleas’d, disciplin’d, she, like a child not daring to resist. Thus people being ignorant of closer privacies, invent malicious lies; for do you suppose I would have suffer’d such insolent usage? And that if I had not been strong enough to have cuff’d that rhiming puppy, I would not have found out some other way to have been even with him? You very well see my reasons have some appearance of truth, and I am confident, that when we meet we shall agree very well. The emperor who had his private amours, never troubled those of his wife; and Merena’s spouse, proud of possessing the affections of so great a monarch, returned in soft embraces the favours bestowed on her husband. I have insensibly made you an ingenuous consession; do you the same, madam, for hell is so damnable tiresome, that I gape and stretch a thousand times an hour. When your hand is in, pray send me word what they are doing in your part of the world; but above all, give me a true account of your amours and conquests; for those relations tickle us, even when we have lost the power of acting. Therefore to invite you to be very plain with me, as likewise to divert myself in my present melancholy moments, I will give you some of my thoughts in metre, such as it is.
A mighty monarch you begot,
Who’s pious as the devil;
Your mother too, by all is thought,
To be extreamly civil.
Descending from so bright a pair,
You both their gifts inherit;
All your great father’s virtue share,
And all your mother’s merit.
When I was young and gay like you,
I lov’d my recreation;
Mamma’s dear steps I did pursue,
And balk’d no inclination.
And, madam, when your charms are gone,
Your lovers will forsake you;
They’ll cry your sporting days are done,
And bid old Pluto take you.