THO’ the torments I now suffer for my former tyrannies, are as great as they are just; yet you cursed villains, deserve much greater, for being the promoters of them. You, with your infernal praises, blind the eyes of princes, and hurry them on headlong to their ruin: therefore I charge you with all the ill actions of my reign. I was no sooner seated on my throne, but you so swell’d me with pride, by applauding all my perjuries, oppressions and cruelties, that I believ’d it lawful for our race to be tyrants, from father to son, with impunity. Every one knows my father was equally wicked and covetous, neither sparing, or fearing men or Gods; and of this Jupiter and Æsculapius are examples. In a fit of impiety, till then unpractised by the most desperate villains, he stripp’d the first of his golden mantle, excusing it with this jest, That ’twas too hot for the summer, and too cold for the Winter. To the second he turn’d barber and cut off his golden beard, which with great devotion had been presented to him, alledging, It was improper for the son, since his father Apollo went without one. When his conduct had thus render’d him odious to the world he thought it necessary to make himself secure; for which end, he ordered a large deep ditch to be dug about his palace; but that was no fortification against fear, which could creep in at every key-hole; and his distrust increased to that degree, that he suspected his nearest relations. Not so much as a Maintenon came near him. At last his guards to oblige the world, cut his throat, and sent his soul as a harbinger to the Devil, to provide room for his body; and the people thinking me to be a much honester man, without difficulty plac’d me on his throne. But I soon took care to convince these credulous sots, that a worse was come in his room, far exceeding him in cruelty, I endeavoured to secure my throne by actions then unknown to the world. First, I caused my brothers to be put to death, and when I had glutted myself with the blood of these victims, I made no scruple to violate the laws, and trample upon all the just rights and liberties of my people. By those and a thousand other barbarities, tiring the patience of the Syracusans, they drove me into Italy, where the Locrians kindly received me: and I to requite them for their civility, ravish’d their women, murder’d numbers of their citizens, and pillag’d their country. At last, by a now contrived treachery, I re-entered Syracuse, with design to revenge myself by new desolations; but Dion and Timolion, much honester men than either myself or you, prevented me by putting me a second time to flight. ’Twas my destiny, and I wonder historians do not add the epithet of coward, to my just name of tyrant. I then retired to Corinth, where in a short time my misery became so pressing, that I was forc’d to turn bum-brusher in my own defence, a condition which best suited with a man that delighted in tyranny and blood; and as I had been one of Pluto’s disciples, I taught a sort of philosophy which I had learned, but never practised. Thus was my throne turn’d into a desk; and my scepter into a ferula. Heavens! what a shameful metamorphosis was this. But, gentlemen sycophants, with a murrian to you, I may thank you for it. You, like the Cameleon, can put on any colour, can turn vice into virtue, and virtue into vice, to deceive your masters; and under the specious pretence of religion can commit the greatest barbarities. But tho’ under the shelter of that reverend name, you think all your iniquities undiscovered, so you possess your prince with the abominable zeal of persecution; yet heaven sees and detests your hypocrisy, and even men at long-run, discover the cheat. Oh! ye unworthy enemies of virtue, whose only aim is to raise your own fortunes upon the ruin of others. How useful are you to the Devil? You matter it not, provided you compass your desired ends; if we lay waste the universe, and afterwards become the hate and scorn of all mankind: As for example, ’tis long of you that I have been a pedant in Greece, and that [41] one of my rank, had he not been taken to rest, would have been forced to cover his follies under a stinking cowl, in the lousy convent of la Trape. You will not fail, I know, to applaud all his actions, and say, if he lost all, ’twas only for obliging his subjects to take the true road to heaven, and give the title of resignation to meer necessity and compulsion. But is it a sacrifice to renounce thro’ despair, the grandeur we cannot maintain any longer? Is it not rather imitating the animal in the fable, that despises the grapes which are out of his reach? But I waste my lungs in vain, and talk to the deaf: however, if I have been humbled, believe that you will not always be exalted. ’Tis my comfort that you will one day be condemned to turn a wheel like Ixion, to roll stones like Sysiphus, to be devoured like Prometheus, continually thirsty like Tantalus, and to heighten your evils, that you will never lose the remembrance of those villanies you committed.
The Answer of the News-Mongers to Young Dionysius.
THE flatterers have done you too much honour, Mr. Pedant, and shou’d they believe you, and turn honest, (of which I think there is no great danger) and perswade their masters to be just to their oaths and treaties, wou’d not they govern in peace and unity? And wou’d not that very thing cast the world into such a drowsy tranquility, that it wou’d be melancholy living in it, and starve millions of all degrees and professions, who now, lord it very handsomely? We, I’m sure, shou’d be first sensible of it, by having no variety of news to stuff our London Gazettes, Mercuries and Slips with; which wou’d make the booksellers withdraw our stipends, and by consequence oblige us to leave off tipping the generous juice of the grape, and content ourselves with Geneva, or some more phlegmatick manufacture. Therefore keep your harangues for your school-boys, and do not maliciously take our daily bread from us, and seek to ruin those complaisant persons, that can condescend to sooth the vanities and inclinations of their princes. But to dismiss this point, and return to yourself; ’tis plain you have not a jot of honour about you, since you pay no regard to your father’s reputation. We easily perceive you have been a pedagogue by your tattling; which indiscretion makes you unworthy the title of great Pluto’s disciple. But has your pedantick majesty no better rewards to bestow on gentlemen of courtly breeding than wheels, vultures, millstones, and an eternal thirst? Truly ’tis very liberal, and school-master like in every respect; but you are desired to keep those mighty blessings for yourself, who deserve them much better than any one else; and if you were cullied by those about you, talk no more on’t, but keep your weakness to yourself.
Christiana, Queen of Sweden, to the Ladies.
THAT I, who never testify’d much esteem for the fair sex, should at this time address myself to them, will without doubt be thought strange; but if necessity breaks laws, it ought also to cancel aversion, and excuse me for seeking protection amongst a sex I have so often despised, being compelled to it by a thousand injuries done to my memory. Therefore I now ask pardon of the ladies; and am perswaded I do them no little honour, (since there has seldom been a more extraordinary woman than I was) in owning myself one of the female kind. First, I may boast of all the advantage of a glorious birth, being daughter of the Great Gustavus Adolphus, who did not only fill the north, but all the universe with admiration; and of Mary Elianor of Brandenburgh, the worthy wife of such a husband. If I was not as handsome as Helen, and those other beauties, whom the poets have from age to age recorded in the book of fame, yet all the world own’d me a woman of incomparable parts. I was queen at five years of age, and even so early took upon me that important trust, which but few men are capable to discharge, and which fewer would covet, if they knew the troubles that attend it; yet I supported the weight of all affairs with such a grace and prudence, that my crown did not seem too heavy for me. As soon as reason had made me sensible of my power, my only thoughts were how to make myself worthy of it. To this end, I invited to my court those I thought the most capable of improving it; which was no sooner known by the beggary French, but Stockholm swarm’d with masters of all sciences. Among the rest I had a pack of hungry poets; but he that took the most pains, was not the best rewarded, because he did not resemble Boileau, who can in half an hour make a saint of a devil. In my green years, I seem’d only addicted to grandeur and virtue; for I studied like a doctor, argued like a philosopher, and gave lessons of morality to the most learned; so that every body imagin’d I should eclipse the most famous heroines. But I had not yet heard the voice of a certain deity, whose language I no sooner understood, but it poison’d all my former good dispositions; for whereas till then I had been charm’d with the conversation of the dead, I began now to have passionate inclinations for the living. But not to undeceive the world, which thought my conduct blameless, I was forc’d to put a curb to my desires, or at least to pursue them with more precaution, whether the trouble to find myself so inclin’d, or my grandeur, which wou’d not allow of those liberties I sigh’d for, oblig’d me to punish the flatterers of my passion, I know not; but I committed many barbarities. As my desires were insatiable, so ’twas not in my power to confine them; and this gave my subjects too many opportunities to discover several indecencies in my management; and because I wou’d not be tumbled headlong from my throne by them, I very prudently condescended, and put my cousin Charles Adolphus in my place. Then did I, under pretence of visiting the beauties of France, take large doses of those joys I durst no longer take at Stockholm. I was treated every where as a queen, had palaces at my command, and I made at Fountainbleau, which was before a bawdy-house, a slaughter-house also before I left it.
Fate justly reached the prattling fool,
For telling stories out of school.
Was’t not enough I stoop’d so low,
On him m’affection to bestow?
To clasp him in my circling arms,
And feast him with love’s choicest charms;
But must the babbling fool proclaim,
His queen’s infirmity and shame?
Of all the sins on this side hell,
The blackest sure’s to kiss and tell.
’Tis silence best becomes delight,
And hides the revels of the night.
If then my spark has met his due,
For bringing sacred mysteries to view.
E’en let him take it for his pains,
And curse his want of gratitude and brains.
But I know not whether the monarch of France had long ears like his brother Midas, or some little familiar whisper’d it in his ear; but what I thought could never be detected, was publickly discoursed at court. Perceiving this, I resolved on a voyage to Rome, and the rather, because I thought the Romish religion most commodious for a woman of inclinations, and that it would illustrate my history, to abjure the opinion of Luther at the feet of the pope; tho’ I had as little believed and followed the doctrine of the Reformed, as I have since the absurdities of the Roman church. Italy seem’d to me a paradice, and I thought my past troubles fully recompensed, when I found myself in that famous city, which has been the mistress of this world, without subjects to controul me; saucy chattering Frenchmen to revile me, and amongst a mixture of strangers, which made all my actions pass unregarded. ’Twas enough for me to be esteemed a saint, that I was turn’d Papist in a place where debauchery is tolerated; and you’ll find me, perhaps, one day canonized by the Roman clergy. ’Tis true, I was not so rigorous to them as others for the pope, cardinals, legates, bishops, abbots, priests, and monks, composed my court, where licentiousness reign’d most agreeably. Not that I had renounced the company of young virgins; for I was intimate enough with some of them, to have it said, I was of the humour of Sappho; and as I liv’d at Rome, so I thought myself obliged to practise their manners. But the chief reason of my writing, is to desire you to protect me against those ignorant coxcombs, who endeavour to put me among the number of the foolish virgins; for I began and finished my course, as I have told you, and will now leave you, to judge if there can be any probability in such a scandalous story. My good friend the pope, to whom I had been wonderfully civil, solemnly swore, that whenever I left this world, I mould not languish in Purgatory, tho’ he knew very well I should go to another place. But as it was the promise of a tricking Jesuit, so I did not much credit it, nor was much surpriz’d to see myself turn’d into a sty, among a company of boars and old lascivious goats, a sort of animals I had formerly been well acquainted with at my palace in Rome, and who came then grunting and leaping to embrace me. I cannot in this place hear of the poor gentleman whom I murthered; I asked one of my he-companions concerning him, who knows no more of him than I do; therefore I verily believe he is among the martyrs.
The Answer of a young Vestal to the Queen.
GOOD Heavens! Madam, how piously did your majesty begin your letter! and what pleasure did I take to see such hopeful dispositions to virtue! But what was that enchanting vice that put you out of the good road? Was it the Devil? If so, why did you not make use of holy-water? For we, poor creatures, oppose no other buckler against the darts of Satan, when he conjures up the frailty of the flesh to disturb us: but I beg your pardon, you were then a Lutheran, and holy-water has no efficacy, but only for true Catholicks. My confessor has so often preached charity to me, that I cannot but bewail the fate of the poor gentleman you lov’d so dearly, and treated so barbarously. Oh, my dear St. Francis! What sort of love was that! And how unfortunate are those precious souls that have parts of pleasing you! One may very well perceive, by that piece of barbarity, you neither believed Purgatory, or fear’d Hell; and I would not have been guilty of such an action for all your excellent qualities and grandeur. I hear you talk’d of sometimes, and in such a manner, that it makes me often sigh, pant, and pull down my veil; and I feel a terrible fit coming upon me by reading your confession.