ON the 25th passato, there happen’d a very considerable dispute in the Delphick vale; the literati had hard words, and it was fear’d by Pluto himself, that the angry shades would come to somewhat worse. It may be you in those grosser regions, do not believe that we here below lose nothing of ourselves by death, but the terrene part: nay, the very soul itself retains some of those unhappy impressions it receiv’d from flesh and blood. Here Cæsar bites his thumbs when Alexander walks by; frowns upon Brutus, and blushes when he talks of king William: The great Gustavus Adolphus only wishes himself upon earth again, to serve a captain under him: Turenne wants to be in Italy, and Wallesteen assures him that prince Eugene of Savoy would have had the same glorious success against him, as Catinat and Villeroy. Hannibal own’d that his march over, or rather thro’ the Alpes, was not so honourable an action as the prince’s; and tho’ arts and experience may make a general, yet nature can only inform an Eugene. Surly Charon had been so plagu’d with the French from those parts, that he has been forc’d to leave whole shoals of them behind. Once they crowded in so fast, as they almost overset the boat, and still as they press’d forward, cry’d Vauban, Vauban: But the old gentleman, unwilling to hazzard himself, push’d a multitude of them back with his sculls, and so put off—— However, this is not the business I design’d to mention; something more particular, and of more weighty consequence is the occasion of this letter. The real wits refus’d to take notice of prince Arthur, and king Arthur, who were walking hand in hand; some shallow-pated versificators would resent the indignity put upon ’em. This was very disgusting to the literati, and it is inconceivable what a horrid stench they made with uttering those verses. The more robust spirits were almost choak’d; you may then judge what condition the delicate and nice stomachs of the men of wit were in; but while every one was wishing for their cloaths of humanity again to be less sensible of this execrable smell, a worthy literati came in from London, who being informed of the occasion of that terrible inconveniency, repeated a few commendatory verses, and immediately the air grew tolerable, and the brimstone burnt serene. Job himself did confess, that had he been in the flesh again, he was terribly afraid he should have murder’d the doctor: When a merry spirit standing at his elbow, said, it was no such wonderful thing to have a sirreverence of a man be mine arse of a poet. But Charon waits, I must conclude; and as conveniency serves, shall inform you of what passes in those gloomy regions.
A Letter from Mr. Abraham Cowley, to the Covent-Garden Society. By Capt. Ayloff.
THE shatter’d lawrels of the Acherontic-walks, owe not so much of their misfortune to the shallowness of Aganippe, as to the ungenerous procedure of the sons of Helicon. Either the hill of Parnassus is fortify’d, and what with antient and modern wit, even you, gentlemen of real parts, have none of you that applause, which in a thousand occasions you have so justly merited. These melancholy reflections, gentlemen, add a new thickness to the gloomy sulphur; and we cannot enjoy a perfect quiet here, seeing there is so great and so dangerous a misunderstanding between you on the other side of Phlegethon. Why should there be so many pointed satires against one another? Why mould you shew the very blockheads themselves where you men of sense are not quite such as you would pass upon the world for? Your invidious criticisms only shew others where you are vulnerable, and give an argument under your own hand against your own selves. There is a charity in concealing faults; but to make them more obvious, has a double ill-nature in it. Can’t Arthur be a worthless poem, but a squadron of poets must tell all the world so? Is there honour in rummaging a dunghil, or telling the neighbours where there is one? The bee gathers honey from every flower, ’tis the beetles that delight in horse-dung. Is it not much more preferable to make something ones self useful to mankind, than only to shew wherein another is a coxcomb? Partisans in wit never do well; they only lay the country waste; they gratify their own private spleen, it may be, but they do not help the publick. Unite your forces, gentlemen, against ignorance, that growing and powerful enemy to you and us. Erect triumphal arches, to one another, and do not enviously pull down what others are endeavouring to set up. Your mutual quarrels have shaken the very foundation of wit and good humour. ’Tis the faction a man is of, determines what he is, not his learning and parts; we cannot hear, gentlemen, of those intestine dissensions, without a great concern and displeasure; and must take the liberty to tell you, we apprehend the muses may shortly be reduced to the necessity of shutting up the Delphic library, and write upon the doors, Ruit ipsa suis Roma viribus.
Charon to the most Illustrious and High-born Jack Catch, Esq; by Capt. Ayloff.
Most worthy Kinsman and Benefactor,
I Cannot but with the last degree of sorrow and anguish, inform you of our present wretched condition; we have even tired our palms, and our ribs at slappaty-pouch; and if it had not been for some gentlemen that came from the coasts of Italy, I had almost forgot to handle my sculls. There came a sneaking ghost here, some a day or two or three ago, and he surpriz’d me with an account, (I may call it indeed a terrible one) that you have had a maiden-sessions in your metropolis. Was it then possible that Newgate should be without a rogue, or our patron, the most worshipful Sir Senseless Lovel without any execution in his mouth? You talk of having hang’d Tyburn in mourning: Why cousin Catch, upon my sincerity, and for fear you should question my veracity, by the thickest mud in Acheron, I swear, it is almost high time that my boat was in mourning. What, he upon the bench and no man hang’d! Well, as assuredly as the blood of the horses will rise up in judgment against our friend Whitney: this maiden-sessions shall rise up in judgment against him. Such shoals as I have had from time to time, meer sacrifices to his avarice or his malice, that unless his conscience begins to fly in his face, I cannot comprehend what should occasion this calm at the Old-Baily: For give me leave, dear cousin, to tell you, that formerly he never sav’d any man for his money, but hang’d another in his room; trading was then pretty good, cousin, and there was a penny to be got; but indeed, on your side it is very dull: nay, in Flanders too, that fertile soil of blood and wounds, there has not one leg nor one arm been brought us all this summer. Prithee be you Charon, and let me be recorder, I’ll warrant you somewhat more to do.
From Sir Bartholomew—— to the Worshipful Serjeant S——. By the same Hand.
THE friendship that was between us formerly, equally obliges me to give you a relation of my travels, and assures me of its welcome. Since my peregrination from your factious regions, I have palled over various and stupendious lakes; the roads are somewhat dark indeed, but the continued exhalations of those amazing streams, make the travellers able to pass, without running foul of one another. But ’tis equally remarkable, considering the length and darkness of the passage, that no person was ever cast away on this river Styx, as I am credibly inform’d by the ferryman, who has ply’d here time out of mind. The dogs are pretty rife in this country, and full as insufferable as ever they were among you: I unfortunately forgot my lozenge-box, and have much impair’d my lungs; but they assure me, that these defluxions of rheums never kill. ’Tis prodigious, I protest, brother, to see how soon we learn the language, or rather jargon of the place! how fast they come in from all parts of the habitable world! And yet there is but one boat neither, and that no bigger than above-bridge-wherry. At my coming ashoar, I was very familiarly entertain’d, and directed to an apartment in Cocytus: But there was not one corner in all my passage, but I met some or other of the wrangling fraternity of Westminster. I immediately suggested to myself, that there might be (peradventure) a call of serjeants by his majesty Pluto, who is sovereign of these gloomy regions; and who besides his general residence here, has a most magnificent palace about twenty miles off, at Erebus, on the side of the river Phlegethon. He is one of a somewhat stern aspect, not easy of access; haughty in his deportment, and barbarous to the last degree in his nature. There is no sort of people he sets so much by, as those of our profession, tho’ I have not heard of any lawyer that had the honour to be in his cellar as yet. Our old friend and fellow-toper judge D—— has very good business here, upon my word, as likely to be preferr’d, as vacancies happen; for ’tis always term-time in this kingdom throughout; and besides, when he had his quietus sent him by the hands of Sir Thin-chops Mors, you and I remember very well, that he had not the best reputation for a man of parts. In the crowd of our pains-taking brethren in the litigious school, I remark’d an innumerable quantity that I was not quite an utter stranger to their faces, more particularly, Mr. Fil——, who, you know, did not want for sense, wit, law, and good manners; and yet had so profound a genious, that he could dispatch more business, and more wine in one night’s time, than Bob. Weeden would have wish’d for a patrimony: He very humanly accosted me, and after a million of mutual civilities, he forced me to accept of my mornings draught with him. At night you know, I never refuse my bottle; but for morning tippling, it was always my aversion, my abomination, my hatred, my noli me tangere: Besides, the dismal prospect of the place, gave me many shrewd suspicions, that those taverns were not furnish’d with the best accommodations, neither for man’s meat, or horse meat either; not that I had the vanity to take my coach with me neither, but ’tis to use an old proverb, that as yet I have not blotted out of my memory. I had hardly disengag’d myself from his civilities, but Mr. Nicholas Hard— mighty gravely admonish’d me of his former familiarity, and with an air that was no ways contumelious, desir’d to know how F—— preach’d, and Burg—— pray’d; whether the grave Dr. W—— continued his pious endeavours to convert the martyr’d men of his parish from the crying and heinous sin of ebriety; and yet at the same instant almost, to contrive plausible ways and means of perverting the modest and chaste propensities of their respective wives; and while they would not quietly let their husbands be (by accident of good company, or good wine) beasts, for but a few transitory nocturnal hours, could yet drive to make them so beyond a possibility of redress; for amongst friend, (brother) what collateral security can an honest, prudent, wary, wise, good, upright, understanding, cautious, indulgent, loving husband take, when that same godly man in black twirls his primitive band-strings, and with his other hand has your dear spouse, your help-mate, the wife of your bosom, the partner of your bed, by the conscience, and somewhat else that begins with the same letter? ’Twas not want of leisure, (for alas! and alack) we have supernumerary hours here; but pretended curiosity, (the last thing that dies with us but hypocrisy) made me cut short the harangue, that this precise attorney seem’d by his demureness to expect from me: So, in short, I told him, that his fellow-companions at six o’ clock prayers had not forgot him; and by what I could understand from those that were last with me, the pew-keeper lamented his loss extreamly: nay, was inconsolable, for now he was forced to use a pailful of water extraordinary once a week more in the church than formerly; because he had gotten to such a perfection in hypocrisy, that what his knees did not rub clean, his eyes always wash’d clean: but for his father’s comfort, since he was got clear of his super-tartarian concern, money was fallen, and his dearest darling sin of all, extortion, was not a little under the hatches: but that he might not be quite cast down, there was some seeds of it left still, that would always keep old Charon well employ’d. I had hardly bless’d myself for having got rid of him, but a merry fellow (not to say impertinent and sawcy to one of my capacity, volubility, and eloquence; character, conduct, and reputation) pull’d me by the coif; but as in strange places ’tis prudence to pass by small affronts and indignities, because want of acquaintance is worse than want of knowledge; and the law, you know brother, is not so expensive, as it is captious in the main; not but that our industry does help it mightily to the one, if we find it to be the other. Now who should this Caitiff be, but Harry C——ff the attorney; and all his mighty business was to know how his laundress did; and if the maid got the better of her in the legacy he gave her for her last consolations. Before I could recollect the secret history of his amours, I was very courteously address’d by Mr. Common Serjeant C——p, who likewise in a florid stile, requested me to inform him, if any of his modern bawds, that so punctually attended him, had suffer’d any prejudice by his absence: He was mightily in doubt of their success, because experience had taught him, that paupers in matters of law proceed but heavily; however, he could but wish them well, because that tho’ they were bad clients, he had always found them good procurators—— My lady Tysiphone made a sumptuous entertainment, and the countess of Clotho danc’d smartly; the king of Spain resented mightily that so many English were there, and had almost bred a quarrel; but Don Sebastian king of Portugal, made up the matter, by declining the Spanish faction, and said, it was highly unjust that the English should be male-treated in their universal interest, because he was a fool, and the cardinal that made his will a knave, and the king of France a tyrant. But the catastrophe of this fit of the spleen of the supercilious Spaniard was comical enough; for in the crowd that was come together upon the notice of his heart-burning, who should stumble upon one another but Godfrey Wood—— the attorney, who you may remember (brother) was committed for saying to a certain lord chancellor, that he was his first maker; tho’ the truth of the matter was, their intimacy at play made him presume to beg the small favour of his lordship, to pass an unjust decree in favour of his client. Well, Sir, said the attorney to his lordship, now you are without your mace, I must tell you, that had not you invited me to supper the same day you sent me to the Fleet, I should have taken the freedom to have let you known, that in this king’s dominions we are all equal. I left ’em hard at all-fours for a quart of Acheron, where they bite their nails like mad, and divert others with their passion and concern—— But the postillion is mounting, and I must defer the rest of my adventurers to the next opportunity.
The End of the first Part.
