Joachim Hazard, of Cripplegate parish in White-cross-street, almost at the farther end near Old-street, turning in at the sign of the White Crow in Goat-alley, strait forward, down three-steps at the sign of the Globe, was so be-devil’d with the spirit of lying, that he out-did two hard mouth’d evidences in their own profession, and could not open his mouth without romancing; I made him snuff up some half a score drops of my Elixir Alethinum, and now he has left off fortune-telling and astrology, and is return’d to his primitive trade of weaving.

Farmer Frizzle-pate, of Bullington, near Andover, had been blind thirty five years and upwards; my Ophthalmick drops restor’d him to his sight in a minute, and now he can read a Geneva bible without spectacles. A certificate of this miraculous cure, I have under the hand of the parson of the parish, and his amen-curler.

I cured a Kentish parson of an Infirmitas Memoriæ, which he got by a jumble of his Glandula Pinealis, after a bowl of punch and a boxing-bout. He was reduc’d to that deplorable condition, as to turn over play-books instead of his concordance, quote Quæ Genus instead of St. Austin; nay, he forgot tythe-eggs, demanded Easter dues at Martinmas, bid Bartholomew-Fair instead of Ash-Wednesday; and frequently mistook the service of matrimony, for that of the dead: what is yet more surprising, he forgot even to drink over his left thumb; but now he has as staunch a memory, as a pawn-broker for the day of the month; a country attorney for mischief; or a popish clergyman for revenge.

I cured serjeant Dolthead, of a prodigious itch in the palms of his hands: A most wonderful cure! for now he refuses fees, as heartily as a young wench does an ugly fellow, when she has a handsome one in view; his attorney is run mad, his wife is turn’d bawd to take double fees; and his daughters mantua-makers and whores, to get by two trades.

An eminent coach-keeping physician was troubled with a Farrago Medicinarum, or a Tumor Prescriptionalis to that monstrous degree, that he writ bills by the ell, and prescribed medicines by the hogshead and wheelbarrow-full. To the amazement of all that knew him: I have effectually cured him on’t; for he now writes but three words, prescribes but two scruples, leaves people to a wholesome kitchen-diet, and nature has undone the sexton and funeral undertaker; and the overstock’d parish has petitioned the privy-council to send out a new coloney to the West-Indies.

I cured a certain head of a college, of a Hebetude Cerebri; so that he now jokes with the bachelors and junior fry, goes to the dancing-school with the fellow-commoners; and next act will be able to make a whole terræ filius’s speech himself.

An apothecary in Cheapside, was so strangely over-run with an Inundatio Veneni, that the grass grew in the parish round him; but now, thanks to the cure I wrought upon him, he has reduc’d his shop to the compass of a raree-show, gets but ten pence in the shilling, let the neighbouring infants grow up to men; and is going to build an hospital for decay’d prize-fighters and dragoons.

I cured a vintner behind the Exchange, of a Mixtura Diabolica, so that now he hates apples as much as our forefather after his kick on the arse out of paradice; shuns a drugster’s shop, as much as a broken cit does a serjeant; swears he’ll clear but ten thousand pounds in five years, and then set up for psalm-singing, and sleeping under the pulpit.

I cured a Norfolk attorney of the Scabies Causidico Rabularies, another prodigious cure never perform’d before; so that now he’s as quiet as a cramb’d capon among barn door hens, he won’t so much as scratch for his food; his uncle the counseller has disinherited him; and since he has listed himself for a foot soldier.

I cured an Amsterdam burgomaster’s wife of barrenness, so that now she has two children at a birth; besides a brace of sooterkins every year, and even now in these low-countries (so effectual are my remedies) I am teaz’d with daily messages, for astringents and flood gates, to help the poor pains-taking mortal in his aquatic situation.