By Mr. Tho. Brown.
Gentlemen,
I Was forc’d to break off my last abruptly, by reason of the vast crowds of people, which press’d upon me then for advice, so that I could not present you with a full catalogue of my cures, which you will find at the conclusion of this, or acquaint you with what transactions of moment have lately happen’d in our gloomy regions. But having by miracle a vacant hour or two at present upon my hands, which, by the by, is a blessing I am seldom troubled with, I was resolv’d not to neglect so fair a opportunity of paying my respects to you, and therefore without any more preface or formality, will continue the thread of my narration.
I had no sooner publish’d my bill and catalogue of cures, but my house has been crouded ever since with prodigious shoals of patients, that I can hardly afford myself an hour to pass with my friends: they flock from all corners of this gigantic city, so that sometimes not only my court-yard which is very large and spacious, but even my chamber, my anti-chamber, and if you’ll allow me, gentlemen, to coin a new word, my pro-anti-chamber, or my hall, is full of them: I will only tell you the names of a few customers of quality that resorted to me for advice yesterday morning: to give you an idea of my business, and how considerable ’tis like to prove.
About a month after my setting up, who should rap at my door, but the famous Semiramis? I remembered her royal phiz perfectly well, ever since my friend Nokes carried me to her coffee-house, and treated me there with a glass of Geneva; however, for certain reasons of state I did not think it proper to let her Babylonian majesty know, that I was acquainted either with her name or quality; come good woman, said I to her, what is your business? Oh! replies she, you see the most unfortunate, unhappy creature in the world. Why what calamity has befallen you? Only, says she, too big for words to express; with that she wrung her hands, stamp’d upon the floor, cursing the left-handed planet she was born under, and pouring down such a deluge of tears, that one would have thought it had been the second edition of the Ephesian matron, lamenting the loss of one spouse in order to wheedle on a second. When her grief had pretty well exhausted itself at the sluices of her eyes, she thus continu’d her tragical historietto. Were I minded, doctor, to trouble you with my genealogy, I could perhaps, make it easily appear, that few people are descended of better parents than myself, but let that pass; the scene is alter’d with me at present, and rather than take up with ill courses, or to be troublesom to my relations, I am content to keep a coffee-house. Now as I was sitting in my bar this morning, and footing a pair of stockings for Alexander the great, in came two rascally grenadiers, and ask’d for some juniper; but alas! while I was gone down into the cellar to fetch it, these lubberly rogues plunder’d me of a silver spoon and nutmeg-grater, and made their escape. Come mistress, says I, this loss is not so great but a little diligence may retrieve it. Oh never, says she again, unless you help me by your art, I am utterly undone to all intents and purposes. Finding her so much mortify’d for the loss of her two utensils, I resolv’d to exert the fortune-teller to her, and banter her in the laudable terms of astrology; so putting on a very compos’d countenance, I seem’d very seriously to consult a celestial globe that stood before me; then enquiring the precise time when this horrid theft was committed, I drew several odd figures and strokes upon a piece of paper, and at last the oracle thus open’d: Mistress, it appears I find by the Heliocentric position of the planets, that Jupiter, you understand me, is become stationary to retrogradation in Cancer, and consequently, you observe me, mistress, equivocal to him; but how and why in Trine to Mercury in Scorpio, both posited in watry signs, and at the same time Mars being ascendant of the second house, as you may perceive, ’tis as plain that the culminating aspect of Saturn’s Satellites, do ye mind me, centres full in the foresaid configuration. So then mistress, the hoary question thus resolves itself, viz. That your goods were carry’d away South-East by East of your house, under the sign of a four-footed creature, and if you’ll leave open your parlour windows a-nights, I dare pawn my life and honour, that both your silver spoon and nutmeg-grater will be flung into the house one of the nights. Semiramis was wonderfully pleas’d to hear such news, dropt me a fee, and went about her business.
She was hardly gone, but in came queen Dido, who the last time I saw her call’d Virgil so many rogues and rascals in my hearing, for raising such a malicious story of her and and the pious Æneas; it was a long time before I could get her to tell me what errand she came about: at last, after abundance of blushing, and covering half her face with her hood, Seignior Hanesio, says she, I doubt not but a person of your experience has observ’d in his time but too many instances of female infirmity. To be plain with you, I am one, and tho’ I made as great a splutter about my virtue as the soundest of my sex, yet I was a damn’d recreant all that while. In short, I find by several indications which I have not nam’d to you, doctor, that I am with child,—and being very tender of my reputation,—which, doctor, is all we poor women have to depend upon,—— and loth to have my good name expos’d in ballads and lampoons.—— I beg the favour of you, dear doctor,—— and you shall find I will gratify you nobly for your pains, to help me to something that shall make me,—— but you know my meaning, doctor.—— To miscarry is it not, Madam? You are in the right on’t, dear Sir, reply’d she. Why then, Madam, I must tell you, are come to the wrong house; for whether you know it or no, I carry a tender conscience about me, mind me what I say, I carry a tender conscience about me, and would not be guilty of such a wicked thing as you mention for the world. But there is an Italian son of a whore at the corner of the street, that will poison you and the child in your belly, and half the women in the city for half a crown. You may make your application to him, if you think fit, but for my part, Madam, I’ll be perjur’d for no body; for as I told you before, my conscience is tender: Upon this our famous coquette immediately withdrew in a great deal of confusion, and curs’d me plentifully in her gizzard, I don’t question.
My next visitant was Lucretia, who brought some of her water in an urinal, and desir’d me to give her my judgment on’t. Finding her ladyship look a little blueish, and so forth, under the eyes; what was more, having been privately inform’d of the correspondence she kept with Æsop the fabulist; Madam, says I bluntly to her, the party to whom this urine belongs, is under none of the most healthful circumstances, but troubled with certain prickings and pains. I’ll swear, doctor, says she, you are a man of skill, for to my certain knowledge the party is troubled with those concerns you were talking of. You need not forestal me, Madam, says I to her, but especially when she makes water; I knew it as soon as ever I cast my eyes upon the urinal: and pray, Sir, what may be the occasion of it? for the party is at a horrid loss, what is the matter with her. Why, Madam, says I, the matter is plain enough, the party has been committing acts of privity with somebody, and has disoblig’d love’s mansion by it: or to express myself in the familiar language of a modern versificator and quack;
Has been dabbling in private, and had the mishap,
In seeking for pleasure to meet with a clap.
How doctor, says she, have you the impudence to say the party is clapt? verily, Madam, and yet I am no more impudent than some of my neighbours. Why you saucy fellow you, continues she, I’d have you to know that I am the party to whome the urine belongs, and my name is Lucretia, that celebrated matron in Roman history, who scorning to out-live her honour, perferr’d a voluntary death to an ignominious life. Yes, Madam, says I, I know your history well enough, and whatever opinion I may have of your chastity, I have yet a greater of your discretion; for, between friends be it said, Madam, before you left the insignificant world, you were resolv’d to taste the sweetness of young Tarquin’s person; and finding what a vast difference there was between vigorous love and phlegmatick duty, you thought it not worth your while to be troubled any longer with the dull embraces of an impotent husband. Oh most abominable scandal, cries our matron, but Heaven be prais’d Livy tells another story of my chastity; and to let thee see how scrupulous and careful I am to preserve my reputation spotless, know, I keep company with none but moralists and philosophers. Lord, Madam, says I, your intrigues are no mysteries to me: I am no stranger to that laudable commerce you keep with that crook-back’d moralist and fable-monger of Phrygia, they call him my lord; Æsop (at which unwelcome words she look’d paler than I have the charity to believe she did when the impetuous Tarquin leapt into bed to her) and as for those sage recommenders of virtue, the philosophers, take my word for it, a clap may be got as soon among them, as any other sort of men whatsoever. Since my coming into these parts, Madam, I am able to give you a true account of the present state of most of these Philosophers’ bodies. Thales, who held that Water was the beginning of all things, is now satisfy’d that Fire is the conclusion of love. Pythagoras that run thro’ so many changes in the other world, has undergone a greater transmutation here in a sweating tub. The divine Plato, and his disciple Aristotle, are at this present writing very lovingly salivating in my garret. Socrates had his shin-bones scrap’d t’other morning by my toad-eater Dr. Connor, by the same token the Hibernian thrash’d him for swearing so inordinately at his dæmon that led him into this mischance. Aristotle told me last night, that nothing in philosophy troubled him so much as pissing of needles. Diogenes has a phiz so merrily collyflower’d, that he protests against planting of men, since these are the effects of it; and the virtuous Seneca has lost all his Roman patience with his nose. But alas, these solemn splaymouth’d gentlemen, Madam, says I, only do it to improve in natural philosophy, with no wicked intentions, I can assure you, no carnal titillation to urge them on, or the like. Well, says she, since ’tis in vain to play the hypocrite any longer, I own myself a downright frail woman, therefore resolve me what is best to be done for my recovery? Look you, Madam, says I, you must take physick, and live sober for a fortnight or so, and I’ll engage to make you as primitively sound as when you first came squaling into the world. Here’s a dose of pills the devil of any Mercury’s in them; take four of them every morning, and to make them operate the better, drink me a quart of honest Phlegethon a little warm’d over the fire, and mix some grated nutmeg with it to correct the crudity. She promis’d to observe my directions, presented me with half a score broad pieces, and as she was going out of the room, Worthy doctor, says she, I conjure you to have a care of my dear dear reputation: And, Madam, answers I, pray have you likewise a care of your dear dear brandy bottle, and your beloved Dr. Steven’s water with the gold in it; and so we parted.
I was thinking with myself, surely it rains nothing but female visitants this morning, when a brace of two handed strapping jades bolted into my closet, and upon a due examination of their faces, I found one of them to be Thalestris the Amazonian, who, as I hinted to you in my last, is become an haberdasheress of small wares; and the other that termagant motly composition of half man half woman, Christiana the late queen of Sweden. So my two chopping Bona Roba’s, says I to ’em and what business has brought you hither? Why you must know, cries Thalestris, that both of us are furiously in love and want a little of your assistance.