Your most humble servant, Q. Z.
ANSWER III.
I Fully demonstrated to you in my last, that there was no such thing as a Widow; or suppose there was, that it was morally impossible for a man to know it. After this, I proceeded to show, that your Griffin was romantick, your Red Lyon fabulous; and that Shoe-lane by being every lane, was consequently no lane at all. Now, Sir, I come to consider the following part of your letter, where with your usual ingenuity and good manners, you tell me I am indebted the sum of five pounds to the widow abovemention’d; and I doubt not to lay open the vanity of this allegation, as well as of those that preceded it. Sir, give me leave to tell you, that ’tis impossible that—should owe any such sum as five pounds. Is it to be imagin’d that a—should trespass against a plain positive express text of scripture? This is what the worst of our adversaries, either papists or other sectaries, of what title or denomination soever, would not have the impudence to charge us with. Does not St. Paul positively say, Owe no man any thing but love? How then can I owe this chimerical widow of your own making that heathenish sum called five pounds? Indeed if there is any such person, I owe her a great deal of love, as the text commands me; but as for five pounds, I owe it her not: and for this, as I have already observ’d to you, I can produce a plain positive text of scripture, which I hope you will not be so wicked as to deny.
In short, Sir, I am afraid that the law has discompos’d your brain, and this I conclude from your incoherent citations of Latin, your raving of Griffins and Red Lions, of Widows and five pounds. Therefore, tho’ I am wholly a stranger to you, yet, as you are a native of this kingdom, I heartily wish your cure, and shall do whatever lies in my power to effect it, for which reason I desire you to take notice of the following advice. It being now spring time, at which season according to the observation of the learned Zarabella and Ciacconius, the humours begin to ferment and float in all human bodies, I would advise you to correct the saline particles, with which I perceive your blood is overcharg’d, with good wholsome nettle-broth and watergruel every morning alternately; but take care to put no currants or sugar into your watergruel, because, as the judicious Frenelius, in has Diatriba de usu, affirms, currants excite choler, and sugar has an ill effect upon the diaphragm, glandula pinealis. Then, Sir, thrice a week at least, refrigerate your intestines with good salutary clysters, and take some eighteen ounces of blood away about two hours before the clyster is administred to you. Above all let me conjure you to forbear stuff’d beef, salt fish, pepper and hot spices, and what is full as pernicious as pepper and hot spices, the reading of any Latin authors, for fear they should raise a new rebellion in the humours: sage and butter, with a glass or two of clarify’d whey moderately taken in a morning, may be of singular use. Go to bed early, and rise betimes. If you live up to these directions, I do not doubt but you’ll be your own man again in a little time. Having no farther interest in all this than only effecting your cure, I persuade my self you will be so much your own friend as to follow the advice of
Your humble Servant,
Q. Z.
LETTER III.
SIR,
SINCE you were so wonderfully kind in your last letter, as out of your great liberality to honour me with some of your own directions, I am resolv’d not to be behind-hand with you in point of courtesy, and therefore recommend the following rules to your consideration.
In the first place, I crave leave to inform you, that syllogisms and sophistry pay no debts; That as old birds are not to be caught with chaff, so a lawyer is not to be imposed upon by thin frothy arguments; and that Aristotle, let him make never so great a figure in the schools, has no manner of authority in Westminster-hall, where I can assure you they won’t take his ipse dixit for a groat.
Secondly, I would advise you not to have so great an opinion of your own parts, as to despise the rest of the world, and think to palm any of your little banters upon them. ’Tis enough in all conscience, I think, that you take the liberty to dumfound us with your Fathers and Councils in the pulpit, which we of the laity are forced to take upon content; and therefore you may spare them elsewhere.