This explanation is due to the Americans, who have been grossly misrepresented, and to the English, who have been egregiously deceived, by persons attempting to delineate character, who were utterly incapable of perceiving those minute lights and shades, without which, a portrait becomes a contemptible daub, or at most a mere caricature.
“A droll scene that at the house o’ representatives last night,” said Mr. Slick when we next met, “warn’t it? A sort o’ rookery, like that at the Shropshire Squire’s, where I spent the juicy day. What a darned cau-cau-cawin’ they keep, don’t they? These members are jist like the rooks, too, fond of old houses, old woods, old trees, and old harnts. And they are jist as proud, too, as they be. Cuss ‘em, they won’t visit a new man, or new plantation. They are too aristocratic for that. They have a circle of their own. Like the rooks, too, they are privileged to scour over the farmers’ fields all round home, and play the very devil.
“And then a fellow can’t hear himself speak for ‘em; divide, divide, divide, question, question, question; cau, cau, cau, cau, cau, cau. Oh! we must go there again. I want you to see Peel, Stanley, Graham, Shiel, Russell, Macauley, Old Joe, and so on. These men are all upper crust here. Fust of all, I want to hear your opinion of ‘em. I take you to be a considerable of a good judge in these matters.”
“No Bunkum, Mr. Slick.”
“D—— that word Bunkum! If you say that ‘ere agin, I won’t say another syllable, so come now. Don’t I know who you are? You know every mite, and morsel as well as I do, that you be a considerable of a judge of these critters, though you are nothin’ but an outlandish colonist; and are an everlastin’ sight better judge, too, if you come to that, than them that judge you. Cuss ‘em, the state would be a nation sight better sarved, if one o’ these old rooks was sent out to try trover for a goose, and larceny for an old hat, to Nova Scotia, and you was sent for to take the ribbons o’ the state coach here; hang me if it wouldn’t. You know that, and feel your oats, too, as well as any one. So don’t be so infarnal mealy-mouthed, with your mock modesty face, a turnin’ up of the whites of your eyes as if you was a chokin’, and savin’ ‘No Bun-kum, Mr. Slick.’ Cuss that word Bunkum! I am sorry I ever told you that are story, you will be for everlastinly a throwin’ up of that are, to me now.
“Do you think if I warnted to soft sawder you, I’d take the white-wash brush to you, and slobber it, on, as a nigger wench does to a board fence, or a kitchen wall to home, and put your eyes out with the lime? No, not I; but I could tickel you though, and have done it afore now, jist for practice, and you warn’t a bit the wiser. Lord, I’d take a camel’s-hair brush to you, knowin’ how skittish and ticklesome you are, and do it so it would feel good. I’d make you feel kinder pleasant, I know, and you’d jist bend your face over to it, and take it as kindly as a gall does a whisper, when your lips keep jist a brushin’ of the cheek while you are a talkin’. I wouldn’t go to shock you by a doin’ of it coarse; you are too quick, and too knowin’ for that. You should smell the otter o’ roses, and sniff, sniff it up your nostrils, and say to yourself, ‘How nice that is, ain’t it? Come, I like that, how sweet it stinks!’ I wouldn’t go for to dash scented water on your face, as a hired lady does on a winder to wash it, it would make you start back, take out your pocket-handkercher, and say, “Come, Mister Slick, no nonsense, if you please.” I’d do it delicate, I know my man: I’d use a light touch, a soft brush, and a smooth oily rouge.”
“Pardon me,” I said, “you overrate your own powers, and over-estimate my vanity. You are flattering yourself now, you can’t flatter me, for I detest it.”
“Creation, man,” said Mr. Slick, “I have done it now afore your face, these last five minutes, and you didn’t know it. Well, if that don’t bang the bush. It’s tarnation all over that. Tellin’ you, you was so knowin’, so shy if touched on the flanks; how difficult you was to take-in, bein’ a sensible, knowin’ man, what’s that but soft sawder? You swallowed it all. You took it off without winkin’, and opened your mouth as wide as a young blind robbin does for another worm, and then down went the Bunkum about making you a Secretary of State, which was rather a large bolus to swaller, without a draft; down, down it went, like a greased-wad through a smooth rifle bore; it did, upon my soul. Heavens! what a take in! what a splendid sleight-of-hand! I never did nothin’ better in all my born days. I hope I may be shot, if I did. Ha! ha! ha! ain’t it rich? Don’t it cut six inches on the rib of clear shear, that. Oh! it’s hansum, that’s a fact.”
“It’s no use to talk about it, Mr. Slick,” I replied; “I plead guilty. You took me in then. You touched a weak point. You insensibly flattered my vanity, by assenting to my self-sufficiency, in supposing I was exempt from that universal frailty of human nature; you “threw the Lavender” well.”
“I did put the leake into you, Squire, that’s a fact,” said he; “but let me alone, I know what I am about; let me talk on, my own way. Swaller what you like, spit out what is too strong for you; but don’t put a drag-chain on to me, when I am a doin’ tall talkin’, and set my wheels as fast as pine stumps. You know me, and I know you. You know my speed, and I know your bottom don’t throw back in the breetchin’ for nothin’ that way.”