“‘Your long acquaintance with the provinces, and familiar intercourse with the people,’ sais he, ‘must have made you quite at home on all colonial topics.’
“‘I thought so once,’ sais I; ‘but I don’t think so now no more, Sir.’
“‘Why how is that?’ sais he.
“‘Why, Sir,’ sais I, ‘you can hold a book so near your eyes as not to be able to read a word of it; hold it off further, and get the right focus, and you can read beautiful. Now the right distance to see a colony, and know all about it, is England. Three thousand miles is the right focus for a political spy-glass. A man livin’ here, and who never was out of England, knows twice as much about the provinces as I do.’
“‘Oh, you are joking,’ sais he.
“Not a bit,’ sais I. ‘I find folks here that not only know every thing about them countries, but have no doubts upon any matter, and ask no questions; in fact, they not only know more than me, but more than the people themselves do, what they want. It’s curious, but it’s a fact. A colonist is the most beautiful crittur in natur to try experiments on, you ever see; for he is so simple and good-natured he don’t know no better; and so weak, he couldn’t help himself if he did. There’s great fun in making these experiments, too. It puts me in mind of “Gander Pulling;” you know what this is, don’t you?’
“‘No,’ he said. ‘I never heard of it. Is it an American sport?’
“‘Yes,’ sais I, ‘it is; and the most excitin’ thing, too, you ever see.’
“‘You are a very droll man. Mr Slick,’ said he, ‘a very droll man indeed. In all your books there is a great deal of fun; but in all your fun, there is a meanin’. Your jokes hit, and hit pretty hard, too, sometimes. They make a man think as well as laugh. But, describe this Gander Pulling.’
“‘Well, I’ll tell you how it is,’ sais I. ‘First and foremost, a ring-road is formed, like a small race-course; then, two great long posts is fixed into the ground, one on each side of the road, and a rope made fast by the eends to each post, leavin’ the middle of the rope to hang loose in a curve. Well, then they take a gander and pick his neck as clean as a babby’s, and then grease it most beautiful all the way from the breast to the head, till it becomes as slippery as a soaped eel. Then they tie both his legs together with a strong piece of cord, of the size of a halyard, and hang him by the feet to the middle of the swingin’ rope, with his head downward. All the youngsters, all round the county, come to see the sport, mounted a horseback.