Mary the Buxom, he says now swears faster 'tis false, and I deny it, she is so far from swearing fast, that she does not (rude as her character is) swear at all, unless the poor interjection I'cod—by his Authority can be made an Oath; and then if you'll peruse him on, here is a whole page and half upon this hint, Collier, p. 204. That the Ladies must have left their Wits and Modesties behind them that came, and lik'd her Words or Actions; and that her Nastiness, and dirty Conversation, is a Midnight Cart, or a Dunghil, instead of an Ornamental Scene. Now you don't find out our Gentlemans malicious meaning by this, but I shall inform ye. He says, I'm sorry the Ladies brought their Wits and Modesties with them, that came to see this Character; and yet all the whole Town can witness, that as many of the Ladies as could get into the Play-House came thither, to wait upon Her late Majesty of Sacred Memory, who did me that honour only for my benefit; and who was of so nice a Temper, relating to Modesty, that if so much as a hint had been given her by those had seen it before, of such a thing as Immodesty, she had never came, much less had been diverted, as she was, when she did come; but this I take as striking at her through my sides; and I think, to use his own words, Collier, p. 206. is above the Correction of the Pen. The next is such senseless malice, or ignorance, that it deserves a hoot; he finds Manuel in Don Quixot (playing in his Farce for the Dukes diversion) addressing to the Dutchess in this manner, in a Jargon of Phrase made ridiculous on purpose: Vid. Shelton's Translation of Don Quixot, p. 205. Illustrious beauty, I must desire to know whether the most purifidiferous Don Quixot of the Manchissima, and the Squireiferous Pancha, be in this Company or no. To whom Sancho replies, imitating, as he thinks this fine stile, Why lookee, forsooth, without any more flourishes, the Governor Pancha is here, and Don Quixotissimo too, therefore, most Afflictedissimous Matronissima, speak what you Willissimus, for we are all ready to be your Servitorissimus. And this now he inserts as my own Invention and manner of Stile, which is taken verbatim from the History of Don Quixot, and is by all those that can judge of humour, very pleasant and fit for that purpose. Now if he has never read that History, his ignorance has abus'd me; and if he has, his impudence has, of which us perceiv'd he has Stock enough, for presently he worries me for saying, in my Epistle Dedicatory to the Duchess of Ormond, That Collier, p. 207. I date my good fortune from her prosperous influence, and says 'tis Astrological. I don't know whether it has that sort of Learning in't or no, but 'tis as good sense as when he says, like a Wag as he is, that the Ladies fancy is just Collier, p. 92. slip-stocking high, and she seems to want sense more than her Break-fast. Fancy slip-stocking high? no, no, the merry Grig must mean her pretty Leg was seen so high, for the Master of Art, I beg pardon of the rest that their Title is scandaliz'd, could never mean such Nonsence as t'other sure.
And now drawing near to an end, his malice grows more plainly to a head, by endeavouring to lessen my Credit with my Patron Mr. Montague, whose generous Candor and good Nature to me, and indeed to us all, he perhaps has heard of, for here our modest and moral Critick, has either mistaken the words, or found out a slip of the Press, which because it happens to be Nonsence, he has very gladly exposed for mine; 'tis in my Epistle to my aforesaid Patron, thus: Collier, p. 207. Had your Eyes shot the haughty Austerity upon me of a right Courtier, your valued minutes had never been disturbed with dilatory Trifles of this nature; but my heart, on dull Consideration of your Merit, had supinely wish'd you Prosperity at a distance. Mine in my Copy was written [due Consideration] but Doctor Crambo will have you believe, I consider'd so little to write the t'other; but now I will hold twenty Stubble Geese to the same number of Tithe Pigs, whenever he is preferr'd to be a Curate again, that I make my Patron smile more at my Entertainment of him at his own Cost, than ever he did at his quoting my dull Consideration, which no body but the dull Absolver could imagine a Man with any Brains could write. And to prove I have yet a few, I will try to Paraphrase upon his Farewel to me, the Translation in Verse, but the Reader shall have his first.
Collier, I like an Author that Reforms the Age,
And keeps the right Decorum of the Stage;
That always pleases by Just Reason's Rule;
But for a tedious Droll, a quibbling Fool,
Who with low nauseous Bawdry fills his Plays,
Let him be gone, and on two Tressels raise
Some Smithfield Stage, where he may act his Pranks,
And make Jack Puddings speak to Mountebanks.
Your humble Servant good Doctor—Well, now for me.
I like a Parson, that no Souls does Lurch,
And keeps the true Decorum of the Church;
That always preaches by Just Reason's Rule;
But for a Hypocrite, a Canting Fool,
Who, cramm'd with Malice, takes the Rebels side,
And would, for Conscience, palm on us his Pride,
* A Savage kind of People in the West of England. Let him, for Stipend, to the *Gubbins sail,
And there Hold-forth for Crusts and Juggs of Ale.
And so much by way of Prose, I shall only now give the Reformer a little further Advice, in return of his, in my Lyrical way, which is in a Fable of A Dog and an Otter; and to turn his own words upon him, the Citation may possibly be of some service to him, for if not concern'd in the Application, he may at least be precaution'd by the Moral. I find he knows I can sing to other Peoples sense, I'll try now if I can make him sing to mine: And when he Diverts, or is Diverted with Vox, then, Preterea nihil.
[* ]Transcriber's Footnote: "Chaucer"
Neither of the quoted passages is by Chaucer. The first is from The Plowman's Tale, written about 1380 and traditionally attributed to Chaucer:
Of freres I have tolde before,
In a makynge of a Crede.
And yet I coulde tell worse and more,
But men wolde weryen it to rede.