Sylv. Pray instruct me then what the use of a husband is.
L. Dunce. Instead of a gentleman-usher for ceremony's sake, to be in waiting on set days and particular occasions; but the friend, cousin, is the jewel unvaluable.
Sylv. But Sir Davy, madam, will be difficult to be so governed; I am mistaken if his nature is not too jealous to be blinded.
L. Dunce. So much the better; of all, the jealous fool is easiest to be deceived: for observe, where there's jealousy there's always fondness; which if a woman, as she ought to do, will make the right use of, the husband's fears shall not so awake him on one side, as his dotage shall blind him on the other.
Sylv. Is your piece of mortality such a doting doodle? is he so very fond of you?
L. Dunce. No, but he has the vanity to think that I am very fond of him; and if he be jealous, 'tis not so much for fear I do abuse, as that in time I may, and therefore imposes this confinement on me; though he has other divertisements that take him off from my enjoyment, which make him so loathsome no woman but must hate him.
Sylv. His private divertisements I am a stranger to.
L. Dunce. Then for his person, 'tis incomparably odious; he has such a breath, one kiss of him were enough to cure the fits of the mother;[32] 'tis worse than assafœtida.
Sylv. Oh, hideous!
L. Dunce. Everything that's nasty he affects: clean linen he says is unwholesome; and to make him more charming, he's continually eating of garlic and chewing tobacco.