Enter Patsy suddenly from office.
Patsy. Whoopee! Feel good! Allee same day feel bully! (Jumps from floor and kicks his wooden-soled shoes like an athlete.)
Mike. (Starting back.) Faith I think he’s possissed! (Patsy still clutches wig in left hand, seizes cane from table and jumps up again. Comes down with a whoop and makes a lightning shillelah pass at Mike’s head.)
Mike. The divil’s in him. I’d betther call the docthor. (Starts L. slowly at first with Patsy advancing. They keep eyes on each other and Mike gradually gets in a panic. He suddenly darts for door just as Patsy throws an empty bottle from table at his head. Bottle breaks outside with a crash.)
Patsy. (Comes down C.) It’s a bad head I have! Where am I? What am I? (Thinks a moment.) Now I have it. I’m an Irishman again. Is this Hong Kong? No, this is America. (Looks round.) A doctor’s shop! I was this way once before in Hong Kong when I got drunk in the barracks. Whiskey brings out the Irish in me. But they put me back. What did they give me? I can’t remember. My head’s all confused. (Hands to head.) Well, I wont be a Chinaman. I wont take a blessed drop of anything but poteen. I’ll get rid of this Chinese dress. I hate it. (Notices wig.) Just the thing! (Coils pig-tail up carefully on top of his head and puts on B.’s wig. Looks in hand glass that is on shelf.) Not so bad! Old coat, I’m done with you, too. (Throws of Chinese tunic. Gets doctor’s coat from nail inside office and puts it on. Looks in glass.) Not so bad a fit, though a bit too long in the tails. (Walks across stage.) Well now, aint I good enough Irish for New York or Chicago or Cork ayther? (Sees shoes.) Look at the bloody shoes. (Kicks them high in the air.) Off with ye. Cow leather’s good enough for me. (Goes in office and comes out with doctor’s shoes. Puts them on.) Now me toilet is more to me likin’. (Struts admiringly.) Let that ould bear come back an’ the doctor and his man. I’ll thrash the whole crowd if they lay hands on me.
Enter Mrs. Fluke, L.
Mrs. F. A patient? The doctor will soon be here. Have a seat, sir. (Notices oddity of Patsy’s appearance. Starts.) Oh! Who are you?
Patsy. Don’t be alarmed, madam. I’m Patsy O’Wang. I’m the new—No, indeed, I’m not that.
Mrs. F. The new cook, and crazy! Oh dear, I knew there’d be trouble. Oh, why doesn’t Dr. Fluke come!
Patsy. I beg, madam, that you do not give yourself any uneasiness about the doctor. He’ll soon be here, I assure you.