"'Dat him, mas'r,' says he in reply, accompanying it with a broad guffaw. 'When mas'r bin to de White House, and seem serious, as if he ain't got what he want, he put a cock-tail down to make de glorious come up; it be a great anecdote for what mas'r call de blues.' The interpretation of what the negro said was that it made a man feel as if he had the best office in Mr. Pierce's gift safe in his pocket. Having a reasonable appreciation of a negro's statement, I consented on the ground of its good qualities—thus represented—to take a little. The negro left, but soon returned with it in his hand—all bittered and iced. Down it went, plump!—it cut away the cobwebs, made my inards fizzle, and the whole frame feel as lively as a bee-hive. The negro said it was good—and I said I reckoned. And then I 'turned out,' as they call it, broadside on. 'Great kingdom,' exclaimed the negro, giving me a slanting look from head to foot; 'why, mas'r, dey must a growed ye in a guano country.'
"'Cuff! don't be sassy,' I replied. And then he very good-naturedly commenced arranging my homespun. He fussed over me as if I were a mere substance to be transformed into anything Mr. Pierce might require. Then, to my utter astonishment, he apprised me of the fact of General Cass having carried off my boots and breeches—adding that it was a sort of mania with him, and for which he was not morally accountable. Then the negro began quizzing my person. One of my legs, he said, was hard shell, the other a soft shell; however, to reconcile the matter, he further added that the embodiment was exactly suited to Mr. Pierce's principles, inasmuch as he could go between—which he always aimed to do. He then said I must have pantaloons of the right stripe; because in Washington a man must look genteel, and have his understandings straight. It was no excuse that the General himself was an undecided Democrat; if he was round in some things, he was square in others,—that is he was round in policy, and square in periods. The Negro said he did not look so much at the cut of the pantaloons as the quality of the cloth, and its tenacity for stretching—according to the expectations of the 'Young American' party.
"Upon this assurance, I ordered him to repair to the tailor's, which he did, and was not long in returning and bringing with him a pair of fashionables suited to the times. 'Great country,' said he, holding them before me and shaking his black sides with laughter. Into them I slid myself; the bottoms only reached a little below my knees. The negro, with eyes like astonished stars, set upon the straps, and such a tugging and pulling as there allowed! I began to think I was being pulled in two, (after the fashion of Mister Pierce's promises and performances), when Cato, (such was the negro's name), his face almost white with exertion, begged I would not be alarmed—that he would very soon get them all right! In another minute something went—pop! Simultaneously with the report was my head driven clean through the pine-board ceiling into a chamber unfortunately occupied by a lean old maid of some forty-seven summers. 'Good mornin, missus,' I said, trying to make a bow; 'hope I ain't intruding.' The old lady looked mighty streaked, and wouldn't be pacified, until I told her I was merely giving a few feats, just to illustrate the principles of the 'Young American' party. It's only Young America, ma'am, he's cutting the three figures of his sentiments, as made known by his particular stars,—Soule, Saunders, and Sickles. Didn't intend to disturb you, my good woman,' says I. I wanted to seem polite—to put the very best foot forward; but it was to no earthly use. The old critter screamed, jumped out of the bed, and like a ghost shaking his cotton to the storm, ran away in dismay.
"'Good Christopher Columbus!' exclaimed the negro, almost bursting with fright. With this he commenced pulling and jerking at my legs, until, finding his efforts useless, he hastened down stairs and spread the alarm. Major Smooth was in an alarming situation!—'most dying!—would breathe his last!—warn't no help fo'h him!—must die, sartin!! Such a ringing and dinging of bells, such a tampering up stairs, such a puffing and blowing of excited citizens as followed, never was heard or seen before. Although in a tight place, I was neither alarmed nor crest fallen. Indeed, I thought I'd enjoin the old lady on the other side to enter upon the discussion of a political question, just by way of keeping up the characteristic sociability of the nation. Presently about a dozen dangerously excited faces presented themselves in the room. 'He's gone, certain,' says one; 'Major Smooth's a cold chicken,' mutters another; 'Young America's cutting a figure,' rejoins a third; 'he's only at rest while performing some overt act,' interposes a fourth. 'Much you know about it!' says I, cool as Labrador: 'I merely put my head through this ere place for the purpose of being friendly with this lone female lodger—pull me out!' In right good earnest they seized me by the boots, saying:—'Let us bring Young America into a respectable position;' and with the most unmerciful jerks they laid me measuring the floor. In no wise disconcerted, I picked myself up, and inquired if they had another strap to loan me. With the exception of Cato, the negro, they all enjoyed a good laugh; he had no sooner relieved me, than he commenced raising a fuss about my damaging the ceiling—never for once taking Mr. Smooth's head into consideration. Young America, he said, was always too fast—always getting into trouble and calling upon others to help him out.
[CHAPTER VI.]
MR. SMOOTH FINDS HIS PATH TO THE WHITE HOUSE A DIFFICULT ONE.
"'Good morning, Mr. Smooth!' saluted the fat man behind the mahogany, as I entered the office, having escaped from my perilous position in the seventh story. In addition, he took a lunar observation all along down my hull, which he said was a mighty tough sort of craft, and had received no damage for which the house could be held responsible.
"As if to make the picture more complete, a number of anxious-looking individuals (all firm friends of Uncle Sam) crowded about me, each putting some curious question in reference to my expectations and the Executive and his gifts. Many of these important gentry had proboscises largely developed and very red; indeed, the reddest nose was strongest evidence of the best office-seeker; albeit, some waggishly inclined gentleman had said that the most generously red-nosed man always esteemed his deserts to be no less than that of United States Minister at some very fashionable foreign Court, where the good red of a well-developed nose was significant of pure blood. 'Well now, gents,' I returned, 'you needn't be trying to poke your political fun at this citizen! Young America is all right yet. Put me on the track of Mr. Pierce's whereabouts.' Seeing they were facetiously inclined, I summoned that independence so necessary to a citizen of standing. At this moment, one more politely inclined than the rest, stepped forward, and commenced giving me the ins and outs of the way to see the Brigadier, who, lie said, was surrounded by many fairweather courtiers. Stepping politely to the door, he, with grace not unbecoming, raised a well-gloved hand, and half whispered:—Mr. Smooth will walk into the avenue—keep on the West side—join the throng (they are all officials in embryo)—be sure and look as serious as they do; and with them you will arrive at the 'White House' to take your place and chance.' Oh! chance! 'There is no missing the way, Mr. Smooth; get behind some well-dressed citizen—one who looks as if he were in pursuit of something the means of securing which he had made sure. Follow that man!' I thanked him for his civility,—he seemed one of Uncle Sam's bone-breakers, and sallied out under the happy contemplation that a gentleman from Cape Cod was on a par with the same species of mankind from South Carolina. It was true that with what little aristocracy we boasted—and in that little there was truly a great blessing, inasmuch as it illustrated the fact of there being one spot on this earth where common sense had got the better of refined sense—was founded in the possession of 'niggers,' the number giving rank in the scale. In the small but very aristocratic atmosphere of democratic South Carolina it had been proposed to establish an order of the American garter, the means entitling to membership being the possession of a very large number of fat negroes and negresses: and to ingratiate the august order it was proposed to make Colonel Wade Hampton first knight, and Lady Tyler first knightess. The reader, Mr. Smooth feels assured, will pardon this little digression, which he will set down to my love for that darling little State.
"I soon muddled my way along with the crowd, among which there were very long faces, very short faces, and faces from which nothing could be extracted—the comic faces always kept behind! As a matter of policy I got behind the man who had the longest and most quizzical face; for he gave out signs of seeing daylight through political darkness. I made his acquaintance, and found him of the free-and-easy school. 'On your way to see the General, stranger?' I inquired, edging up to him in a polite sort of way—at the same time keeping up the free-and-easy. 'No,' he answered with a laconic air, and a half significant shrug of the shoulder, 'I'm merely strolling this way, leisurely contemplating. I take it you have not been long in the Capital?' he added. 'You are right on that point, citizen,' said I in return.